Babyhood (9780062098788) by Paul Reiser Page B

turns out we were just out of steam, too weak to speak audibly.
    â€œI spoke to fhmwlmmn . . .”
    â€œWhat?”
    â€œYesterday. I spoke to fhmlawhlawhmn . . .”
    â€œOkay, stop right there, look me in the face and say that again slowly.”
    â€œI SPOKE TO THE PHARMACIST. THE PHARMACIST. What’s the MATTER with you?”
    Which brings us to the next unfortunate deterioration. You’re reduced to mankind’s most elemental mode of survival— crankiness. Just when you need each other most, you’re snapping at each other like sarcastic little turtles.
    â€œIs this your underwear?”
    â€œNo, it’s Margaret Thatcher’s. And I can’t tell you why I have it.”
    Ugly rivalries break out like wildfire. When the baby wakes up in the middle of the night, for example, one of you has to get up and deal with it. And each of you will do anything not to be that one.
    The game goes like this:
    The baby starts crying. You both pretend you’re asleep and don’t hear a thing. But the baby is crying; he needs to see somebody. So, while still pretending to be asleep, you “accidentally” poke your elbow into your loved one’s ribs. If that fails to prod them awake, you nonchalantly roll over and slam into them, making a few fake snoring noises to show how asleep you are.
    Not to be outdone, your partner then rolls into you , throwing a hand in your face while “stretching.” The person who knocks the other person out of bed first wins. However, never under any circumstances ask, “You awake?” Because then all your partner has to do is lie there, and they win.
    As the volume of your child’s cries intensifies, you both feel progressively more guilty lying in bed—even though only seconds have actually elapsed. So Round Two begins, in which you both give up the charade of being asleep and instead compete over who’s got the best excuse not to get up.
    â€œWould you get up and see why he’s crying? I’ve got a big meeting tomorrow morning.”
    â€œSo do I.”
    â€œYes, but is your meeting at the Kremlin ? . . . I didn’t think so.”
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    J ust because a baby cries, I discovered, doesn’t mean there’s always something wrong. Sometimes babies wake up for no real reason. They just want to check if they’re doing it right.
    â€œThis is Sleeping, right?”
    â€œExactly.”
    â€œI just lie here?”
    â€œThat’s right.”
    â€œOkay.”
    Then back to sleep they go.
    And then there’s the very specific condition that only babies get called “overtired,” where they’re too tired—and frankly, too stupid—to just sleep.
    â€œWhy’s he crying?”
    â€œHe’s tired.”
    â€œWhy doesn’t he go to sleep?”
    â€œHe’s too tired. He’s over -tired.”
    â€œToo tired to sleep?”
    â€œYes.”
    â€œSo why don’t I go to sleep, and he can watch me for a while?”
    See, grown-ups don’t have this problem. If I’m tired, just give me a chair and a room where people aren’t specifically shouting, and I will fall asleep. It doesn’t take a lot of experience or dexterity to do this. It’s not like “hungry,” where babies sadly lack the means to feed themselves. Sleeping is simple. Just shut your eyes and see what happens. But babies have not yet figured out that Sleep is the antidote to Tired.
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    For many new parents, a Sleeping Baby becomes all they ask out of life.
    â€œPlease go to sleep . . . I beg you to go to sleep . . . everybody shut up, so he can go to sleep . . . Okay, he just fell asleep . . . hurry up and pat him so he stays asleep . . . Now if anyone wakes my baby up, I will shoot them.”
    You get nuts. I started barking at people in public places. Restaurants, malls, stadiums—places