Dear Girls Above Me: Inspired by a True Story by Charles Mcdowell Page A

no hard evidence of this but strongly suspect it to be true. Is this the kind of customer service you’re comfortable providing? Enclosed, please find my address, where you can send my full refund and a photo of Sunshine being fired.
    As I came nearer to the chattering couple, I bookmarked my mental letter. Luke stared me down with widened eyes, as if he were trying to tell me something. I paused, not understanding our form of communication. I mouthed a what , hoping for a clearer signal, but all I got were larger eyes and a raised upper lip. Did he want me to save him from this conversation with Bridget or was he telling me to leave him alone? I tried using a few on-the-cuff hand signals, hoping that might clarify things a bit. It didn’t. Bridget, of course, had no idea any of this was going on as she rambled on.… Wait, did I just hear her say beluga?
    Luke mouthed back at me, “Ticktock,” I believed.
    Ticktock? Well, that could have meant any number of things. Maybe he was making a reference to the amount of time he was wasting talking to Bridget and wanted me to get him the hell out ofthere? Or maybe he was signaling me to tell the DJ to play the Ke$ha song “Tik Tok”? Or maybe he was sweetly informing me of a bomb he had planted and was allowing me the opportunity to get out of Dodge? So many possibilities, each of them equally likely. But after he aggressively mouthed ticktock a few more times and pointed to Bridget with his eyes, I decoded that he needed me for my saving skills.
    “Hey, guys,” I said to the floundering couple. At least Bridget seemed to know me as someone other than Stephanie’s boyfriend.
    “What are you doing here?” Luke replied in what sounded like a combative tone. I guess he was playing along as if he didn’t need my services, so that Bridget wouldn’t suspect anything. This made me out to be the bad guy, but sometimes those are the sacrifices that need to be made for a friend in need.
    “Luke, I’m gonna need you to come with me to the foyer,” I said with the utmost confidence.
    “Wait, why?” Bridget asked me. I don’t blame her. The poor girl must have really felt as if they were making a connection.
    “Sorry, Bridget. Just need to chat with my compadre here. I got an emergency call from one of his family members.” And with that I whisked him away, leaving Bridget alone with no one to talk to for a few seconds until the next guy approached her.
    Meanwhile, Luke was giving an impressively concerned performance.
    “What the fuck happened? Is everyone okay?”
    “Luke, you can stop now. She’s not even looking over here.”
    “What the hell are you talking about!?”
    Hmm … Could there be a slight smidgen of a possibility that Luke and I had gotten lost in translation somewhere? Would that mean that I not only yanked him away from a girl guaranteed to givehim a great blow job, but that I also guided him to believe a family tragedy had occurred? Don’t feel too bad; this is Luke we’re talking about. He’d have been more distressed over the missed blow-job opportunity than the dead relative.
    “Charlie, tell me what’s going on.”
    “Ticktock? Now, what exactly did you mean by that?” I was still having a hard time figuring out if Luke was really committed to making our interaction believable or if he was just upset.
    “ Ticktock? Cock block , you idiot! I saw you coming over and was calling you a cock block.” Daniel Day-Lewis Luke is not.
    “Oh, cock block. They’re very similar when being mouthed, you know.” Speaking of cock blocks, I decided to protect mine with my hands in case he was considering seeking some below-the-belt revenge.
    “Sorry about that. Look, it’s not too late.…” I began to say, but then realized it was. Bridget had already found herself a new suitor. The douchiest one of them all—the Con-Man. Without even glancing over at Luke, I could tell he was furious with me.
    “Will you let me go talk to sluts without getting