Evil and the Mask by Fuminori Nakamura Page A

happened to everything else. I opened my mouth.
    “It’s just before exams, so there are no classes.”
    I had no idea what I was saying.
    “Everyone at your school must be really brainy,” she said.
    “No, there are some weirdos too.”
    “Really?”
    “Yeah. It’s fun. How about yours?”
    “I like it.”
    As I walked, I said the first things that came into my head.
    “So you don’t need to worry about me, or the old place, or anything.”
    She was silent.
    “It can’t be helped. Just forget all about my father. You’ll befine. You can make a fresh start. First love often doesn’t work out. We’re like brother and sister.”
    She started to speak. I didn’t think I wanted to hear it. I also suspected that my previous speech had been a waste of breath.
    “Can I ask you something?” she asked nervously.
    “What?”
    “Your father, has he come back?”
    “No.”
    “I thought maybe you …”
    It’s odd, but it was the first time in months that I’d remembered that I’d killed him. I imagined telling her.
I killed him to protect you, so there’s no reason for us to be apart. Even if you don’t like me, even if I disgust you, you should be always by my side, because Father’s death means we’ll always be joined. Because you’re everything to me. Because if you’re not going to be mine, I could drag you down here with me. Into my world, where we’re both stained by that dark secret
.
    “I’m not brave enough for that,” I said, laughing.
    I still hardly knew what I was saying.
    “This is hard to talk about, but I can tell you because you won’t tell anyone else.”
    I lowered my voice.
    “My father’s mixed up with a whole bunch of people, yakuza and some really scary foreigners. So they’re saying he might have been murdered by them.”
    The sunlight was dazzling.
    “That’s why they can’t go public with it. You’d better forget about it. It sounds like my brothers are handling it on the quiet.”
    This was just like my clowning around to hide my depression before I met her. I thought she looked slightly relieved. Still acting casually, I told her I had to catch a train and made my farewells. My malice hadn’t grown so bad that I could hurt Kaori. The sun was slowly sinking, shooting powerful beams between the apartment buildings. I could hear the sounds of insects, and a faint breeze brushed indifferently against my cheek. I thought that something important in my life had ended. People would probably tell me that I still had a lot to look forward to. Maybe some would even say that killing my father had been a form of self-defense, that I had no choice. But my youthful heart, which had experienced great joy and the torments of hell, couldn’t untangle those events and order them neatly. They had settled inside me, and as I grew old they would warp me even more. As long as I lived, I would continue to harm everyone who was important to me. I felt, however, that I was unnaturally calm. My mind was completely detached from my body. I was aware of the movement of my feet as I walked, and I spoke out loud on purpose. I just said something, I thought to myself. I wondered how people around me would react if I raised my voice and shouted.

ON THE SCREEN Kaori was moving. The projector, the latest model, was showing images of the recording the detective had handed me. It had been taken at night, but was very clear. She was beautiful. She was looking down as she opened the door of a convenience store, holding her plastic bag of purchases and her purse in her left hand and putting the receipt away with her right. I smiled, thinking how like her it was to keep her receipts tidy.
    I rewound I don’t know how many times to see what she’d bought, freezing the frame and zooming in. In the white bag I could see a pack of Morinaga 100% apple juice. A small brown box might have been chocolate. A packet that lookedlike supplements, I couldn’t tell what kind. Her black hair grew to her shoulders,