against him, to touch him.
“I need you so bad…but I can’t…we can’t do this…” My voice trailed off and became so small I could no longer use it. I needed to tell him why, how the orgasm he’d just given me had brought up feelings I’d though long dead. The feelings that Rolland had beaten to nothingness…that I needed for us to go slow because I was so damned scared of him that I was shaking because of it.
How could I articulate all of this to him when my voice became stuck inside my throat and my tongue could no longer form the words I needed?
“I understand,” he growled in a deep, low voice, pulled his hands back from my body and let me fall forward away from his embrace.
He didn’t understand though, how could he when he didn’t know even twenty percent of my story. He held me again though and fell asleep again behind me, but I was restless and nervous that I had just broken something between the two of us because of my inability to let him in, to open myself up to him.
I fell asleep after him, tears threatening to fall from my eyes but I stubbornly kept them inside. I wasn’t going to show that pathetic weeping side of myself to Caleb. I didn’t want to drive him away with my weakness.
If only it had been that simple.
----
H e was gone when I woke with the bright sunlight streaming in. At first I thought maybe he was in the bathroom or kitchen but the silence in my apartment was like somebody had wrapped my head in cotton batting. The world felt muffled and distant.
I rolled onto my back into the spot Caleb had laid and I let the tears come then.
My stupid frightened little mouse side had scared him off. I should never have let him see that part of me, that was the part that had driven Rolland into rages that got worse and worse as time went on.
Any time I shut down and pulled away, Rolland would hammer at me with physical violence or the cruelest of words. I hadn’t realized how deeply they’d wormed their way inside of me until last night when Caleb had opened me up like that.
How could I expect to be an equal to a man like Caleb Harder though? I was nothing next to him, a scared little rabbit with nothing to offer but a tormented past and a dull life.
I wept into my pillow and prayed I could at least salvage our friendship out of this entire mess. He was so kind to Lucy and we needed friends in this town.
I finished my crying jag and let my tears dry. I hated that I was such an emotional person, but I’d always been a little more passionate than most. My mom had always called me high strung and my dad had called me his little princess…but not always in a nice way.
Rolland’s abuse had shrunk that side of me but it was apparently coming back. I didn’t know how I felt about that, loving and living bigger than before…feeling things deeper, laughing louder, having sex harder…it was as though I was waking up and it unsettled me.
I grabbed my phone and checked the time. I had an hour until I had to pick up Lucy so I decided to have a hot shower and forget about the strange night before.
But how could I forget about Caleb’s story…or his hands on my body and thumbs…inside of me.
How could I forget the most insanely intense orgasm of my life?
I decided to face it all with my usual fierce determination and ignore the hell out of it. It was all I could do.
----
“ A nd she loved my present the most mom, the most !” Lucy told me after she’d gone through the comprehensive list of everything Sarah had received for her birthday.
“Awe that’s sweet,” I told her and navigated the van through the streets of town. I hadn’t texted Caleb since I’d woken up, I was trying to be strong and let him text me. It hadn’t stopped me from checking my phone every five seconds though, I swear I was developing a neck cramp from craning my head to see the phone on my dashboard holder.
“She said it’s because it meant the most. Because we don’t have much to give,” Lucy
“I need you so bad…but I can’t…we can’t do this…” My voice trailed off and became so small I could no longer use it. I needed to tell him why, how the orgasm he’d just given me had brought up feelings I’d though long dead. The feelings that Rolland had beaten to nothingness…that I needed for us to go slow because I was so damned scared of him that I was shaking because of it.
How could I articulate all of this to him when my voice became stuck inside my throat and my tongue could no longer form the words I needed?
“I understand,” he growled in a deep, low voice, pulled his hands back from my body and let me fall forward away from his embrace.
He didn’t understand though, how could he when he didn’t know even twenty percent of my story. He held me again though and fell asleep again behind me, but I was restless and nervous that I had just broken something between the two of us because of my inability to let him in, to open myself up to him.
I fell asleep after him, tears threatening to fall from my eyes but I stubbornly kept them inside. I wasn’t going to show that pathetic weeping side of myself to Caleb. I didn’t want to drive him away with my weakness.
If only it had been that simple.
----
H e was gone when I woke with the bright sunlight streaming in. At first I thought maybe he was in the bathroom or kitchen but the silence in my apartment was like somebody had wrapped my head in cotton batting. The world felt muffled and distant.
I rolled onto my back into the spot Caleb had laid and I let the tears come then.
My stupid frightened little mouse side had scared him off. I should never have let him see that part of me, that was the part that had driven Rolland into rages that got worse and worse as time went on.
Any time I shut down and pulled away, Rolland would hammer at me with physical violence or the cruelest of words. I hadn’t realized how deeply they’d wormed their way inside of me until last night when Caleb had opened me up like that.
How could I expect to be an equal to a man like Caleb Harder though? I was nothing next to him, a scared little rabbit with nothing to offer but a tormented past and a dull life.
I wept into my pillow and prayed I could at least salvage our friendship out of this entire mess. He was so kind to Lucy and we needed friends in this town.
I finished my crying jag and let my tears dry. I hated that I was such an emotional person, but I’d always been a little more passionate than most. My mom had always called me high strung and my dad had called me his little princess…but not always in a nice way.
Rolland’s abuse had shrunk that side of me but it was apparently coming back. I didn’t know how I felt about that, loving and living bigger than before…feeling things deeper, laughing louder, having sex harder…it was as though I was waking up and it unsettled me.
I grabbed my phone and checked the time. I had an hour until I had to pick up Lucy so I decided to have a hot shower and forget about the strange night before.
But how could I forget about Caleb’s story…or his hands on my body and thumbs…inside of me.
How could I forget the most insanely intense orgasm of my life?
I decided to face it all with my usual fierce determination and ignore the hell out of it. It was all I could do.
----
“ A nd she loved my present the most mom, the most !” Lucy told me after she’d gone through the comprehensive list of everything Sarah had received for her birthday.
“Awe that’s sweet,” I told her and navigated the van through the streets of town. I hadn’t texted Caleb since I’d woken up, I was trying to be strong and let him text me. It hadn’t stopped me from checking my phone every five seconds though, I swear I was developing a neck cramp from craning my head to see the phone on my dashboard holder.
“She said it’s because it meant the most. Because we don’t have much to give,” Lucy
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