“It’s Not About the Sex” My Ass by Joanne Hanks, Steve Cuno Page B
Authors: Joanne Hanks, Steve Cuno
Ads: Link
the next holy
meeting confirmed our sense of diminished importance. Since Jeff was the head
apostle, we had always sat in the first row at holy meetings. Now, for the
first time, we were directed to the second row. The first row was suddenly
reserved for Harmston, his wives, and some less senior apostles. Judith, now
outranking me as a Harmston wife and thus no longer just literally big for her
britches, shot me a smug smile from what had been my perch. Harmston shot a
smug smile at Jeff.
Jeff and I were not, of course, the kind of people to notice
that sort of thing, much less take it personally.
OK, yes we were.
We felt humiliated.
This is bullshit, came that voice from deep inside. Get
thee… oh never mind.
We did our best to humble ourselves. Humility, after all, is
a trait worth cultivating and wearing with pride.
Besides, there was work to do.
Jesus was coming to dinner.
A step-by-step guide to the Second Coming
Young Earth Creationists the world over speculated that 2000
AD (or, for those who are more with it, 2000 Common Era, aka CE) would mark the
year Jesus showed up to destroy the wicked and rule personally on earth for a
thousand years. They believe the world is 6,000 years old: 4,000 from the
Creation to the birth of Jesus, followed by 2,000 from then until now. As for
various scientific methods of measuring the earth’s age that converge on four
and half or so billion years, well, science is a tool of the devil.
Reporters visiting Manti asked Harmston if the Second Coming
was going to take place on January 1, 2000. Now, that was just plain silly. It
would have been pretty lame for Jesus to come on a day as easy to guess as New
Year’s Day, 2000. Besides, as the Parable of the Ten Virgins makes clear, part
of the reason God doesn’t tell the world when Jesus is coming is to encourage
everyone to be good all of the time, just in case.
Which only proves that Harmston was a true prophet. No
charlatan would have come up with a date as unlikely as March 25, 2000.
If you’re wondering how come it was OK for us to know what
day Jesus was coming when no one else was allowed to know, well, don’t forget
that we’d all had our calling and election sealed upon us. We were already
guaranteed our place on the right hand of God. There was no longer any point in
having the Second Coming take us by surprise.
Here is the order in which we were told events would unfold
on March 25:
STEP ONE: Everyone in The True and Living Church of Jesus
Christ of Saints of the Last Days would meet together and pray until the
heavenly trump sounded.
STEP TWO: The heavens would open, and Jesus would descend into
the Mormon Temple in Manti, accompanied by oodles of heavenly beings, including
all of the righteous dead from the other side of the veil. How they were all
going to fit inside that tiny temple would not be a problem, but a miracle.
If you wonder why Jesus would come to a Mormon temple when
according to our beliefs the Mormon Church was an apostate organization, see
Step Three.
STEP THREE: Manti would instantly transform into the
promised Shekinah. At that instant, all the wicked within its borders would
drop dead. This included all the Mormons,
including those who happened to be in the Manti Temple at the time. Jesus
would then hand the temple over to us, its rightful owners. Harmston repeatedly
emphasized that TLC members were not to do any of the wicked-slaying
themselves. Bodies dropping right and left were to be the natural, wondrous
by-product of having Jesus descend in his glory. Good thing. Most of us weren’t
nutty enough to go around slaying in the name of the Lord, but there were a few
who might have tried, had Harmston not been clear on that point. I shudder to
think.
We couldn’t have putrefying bodies spoiling our appetites at
the feast that was to follow. Something would have to be done with all those
bodies. Surely you will agree that it was no coincidence that a
meeting confirmed our sense of diminished importance. Since Jeff was the head
apostle, we had always sat in the first row at holy meetings. Now, for the
first time, we were directed to the second row. The first row was suddenly
reserved for Harmston, his wives, and some less senior apostles. Judith, now
outranking me as a Harmston wife and thus no longer just literally big for her
britches, shot me a smug smile from what had been my perch. Harmston shot a
smug smile at Jeff.
Jeff and I were not, of course, the kind of people to notice
that sort of thing, much less take it personally.
OK, yes we were.
We felt humiliated.
This is bullshit, came that voice from deep inside. Get
thee… oh never mind.
We did our best to humble ourselves. Humility, after all, is
a trait worth cultivating and wearing with pride.
Besides, there was work to do.
Jesus was coming to dinner.
A step-by-step guide to the Second Coming
Young Earth Creationists the world over speculated that 2000
AD (or, for those who are more with it, 2000 Common Era, aka CE) would mark the
year Jesus showed up to destroy the wicked and rule personally on earth for a
thousand years. They believe the world is 6,000 years old: 4,000 from the
Creation to the birth of Jesus, followed by 2,000 from then until now. As for
various scientific methods of measuring the earth’s age that converge on four
and half or so billion years, well, science is a tool of the devil.
Reporters visiting Manti asked Harmston if the Second Coming
was going to take place on January 1, 2000. Now, that was just plain silly. It
would have been pretty lame for Jesus to come on a day as easy to guess as New
Year’s Day, 2000. Besides, as the Parable of the Ten Virgins makes clear, part
of the reason God doesn’t tell the world when Jesus is coming is to encourage
everyone to be good all of the time, just in case.
Which only proves that Harmston was a true prophet. No
charlatan would have come up with a date as unlikely as March 25, 2000.
If you’re wondering how come it was OK for us to know what
day Jesus was coming when no one else was allowed to know, well, don’t forget
that we’d all had our calling and election sealed upon us. We were already
guaranteed our place on the right hand of God. There was no longer any point in
having the Second Coming take us by surprise.
Here is the order in which we were told events would unfold
on March 25:
STEP ONE: Everyone in The True and Living Church of Jesus
Christ of Saints of the Last Days would meet together and pray until the
heavenly trump sounded.
STEP TWO: The heavens would open, and Jesus would descend into
the Mormon Temple in Manti, accompanied by oodles of heavenly beings, including
all of the righteous dead from the other side of the veil. How they were all
going to fit inside that tiny temple would not be a problem, but a miracle.
If you wonder why Jesus would come to a Mormon temple when
according to our beliefs the Mormon Church was an apostate organization, see
Step Three.
STEP THREE: Manti would instantly transform into the
promised Shekinah. At that instant, all the wicked within its borders would
drop dead. This included all the Mormons,
including those who happened to be in the Manti Temple at the time. Jesus
would then hand the temple over to us, its rightful owners. Harmston repeatedly
emphasized that TLC members were not to do any of the wicked-slaying
themselves. Bodies dropping right and left were to be the natural, wondrous
by-product of having Jesus descend in his glory. Good thing. Most of us weren’t
nutty enough to go around slaying in the name of the Lord, but there were a few
who might have tried, had Harmston not been clear on that point. I shudder to
think.
We couldn’t have putrefying bodies spoiling our appetites at
the feast that was to follow. Something would have to be done with all those
bodies. Surely you will agree that it was no coincidence that a
Similar Books
