probably end up getting hungry just before bedtime then , ” I said as I stepped passed him into our home. Zach laughed. My heart broke. I sat at the dining table and ate the pasta from our favorite Italian restaurant, barely tasting a thing. Every night, every moment of the day I contemplate telling Zachary about my affair. I hated lying to him. Every night, I chickened out. “ What are you doing ? ” I asked him, seeing him frown at the computer screen. He sat with me at the dining table with his laptop. “ I heard there was a wine festival happening in Solvang this weekend and I was thinking we could go . ” “ What about Lilian ? ” I asked. “ She is having a sleepover at the Parke r’ s this weekend . ” “ So why are you frowning ? ” “ Well, almost everything is sold out. The only place left has rooms for three-hundred-fifty dollars a night . ” I waited. If I told him it was fine to spend the money and to be romantic he would do it. I did n’ t want to have to tell him that it was okay and decided to leave it up to him. Money was n’ t an issue for us. It had n’ t been for a long time. I rolled the pasta around my fork and continued to eat. I wondered what Warren would be eating, if he would just make a sandwich or order pizza. I listened to Zach click around on the computer with the mouse buttons and wondered if he was booking the room. I realized I silently hoped he would. Give me a reason to fight for us, I thought. Give me a reason to be with you instead. Tears prickled the corner of my eyes as I thought my cruel thoughts. It was n’ t his fault, I chided myself. It was n’ t his fault I was having an affair. Minutes ticked by.
I thought of a weekend away with him in the small picturesque town. I would buy new lingerie and make a weekend of it. It could be our new honeymoon. “ Not hungry ? ” He snapped me out of my daydream that I did n’ t even realize I was having. I saw the computer shut in front of him and he looked at me. “ Just tired , ” I responded .“ What happened with Solvang ? ” I asked reluctantly. “ I could n’ t find anything else , ” he said. My throat tightened up and I fought back the tears. I just nodded and got up from the table. He did n’ t say anything else and went to the sofa where Lilian sat and watched tv with her. “ If yo u’ re tired, why do n’ t you take a bath and I’ ll put Lilian to bed tonight ? ” Zach spoke without looking up. I picked up his socks and shoes from behind the sofa with a sigh and took them to our room, thinking about a bath .“ No, tha t’ s okay , ” I said as I came back down the hallway and back into the kitchen. As I washed the dishes that were stacked in the sink I thought about the diner and Warren. It was never just an affair. Each time I thought about his text my heart races in anticipation. It meant more to him and that should scare me, make me run. Instead, I felt my lips curve in a smile. A part of me wondered what he was doing right now. “ I’ m going to go to bed , ” Zach called out from the sofa. “ Right now? I t’ s only 8:30 . ” I frowned. We used to stay up late together but it had been years since then. Yet, on nights where he went to bed especially early I felt especially lonely. I dried my hand on the dishtowel and wiped down our charcoal gray granite counter-top as I listened to the soft footfalls of my husband. I felt myself pause mid-wipe in anticipation. Then, I heard the soft click as our bedroom door closed and I wiped the tear that had escaped. “ Alright munchkin. I t’ s past your bedtime . ” I looked down at my daughter who laid on our couch half-asleep. “ W e’ ll skip your bath tonight , ” I said, half-laughing.
I carried my six year old to her overly pink bedroom and sat with her until she fell asleep. As I watched her lips turn into a pout in her sleep I smiled and brushed her soft curls back from her round face. I sat there