back. I loved gardens. I loved stumbling across plants that made it despite the absence of care from the gardener that put them there. If it was useful to me or particularly interesting, I’d uproot a couple and see if I could help them flourish in my own garden.
I thought of Alex’s roof garden as I worked the gate. It was stuck. I finally got the rusty latch open and stepped through.
And stopped.
And stared in horror.
No, it was not a garden. Or it was on the perimeter but in the middle was a large gnarled tree and hanging from that tree were the skeletons of people. Not just any people. These were tiny skeletons. Children and babies. And underneath these horrific hanging figures was a mass pile of bones. Bones upon bones. These children were killed. And tossed in this mass grave. My scream was loud at first but it competed with a sob and the sound finished strangled in my throat.
The air was deathly still around me. I didn’t sense Alex. The familiar weight of being alone settled on me and my pulse picked up speed. I blindly backed up but in doing so, I bumped the gate and it fell closed again. I yanked but the latch gave me more trouble and my panic wasn’t helping.
Alone.
My breathing got heavier.
Where was he? I needed him. Where was he?
I turned and stared down at the bones again. “Alex!” My voice finally burst out of me. “ Alex !”
I whipped around and smacked into Alex who gathered me tightly into his arms and pressed my face into his neck as if I could un-see what I just saw.
“Oh shit,” he murmured in a shocked voice. He squeezed tighter.
“We need to leave,” I demanded, pushing away from him and stomping back out to the street.
I walked briskly away from the church, not paying attention to which direction I was headed. I didn’t care. I needed distance from that .
Alex jogged behind me to catch up. “Are you ok?” he asked.
I stopped walking and put my hands on my hips. “You needed olive oil,” I said, drawing my eyebrows together and squinting at the buildings as if I could detect which one had our needed supplies.
“Hey, Tasha. Forget the oil. Are you ok?”
“Oh, I’m fine. Perfectly okay. A hundred percent. Shit like that pops up. It’s unavoidable. You think you’ve scratched out some kind of normal existence. You go about your day, making of it what you can. And then you’re reminded of everything this world has been reduced to. Of everything you witnessed as the world went to shit.”
My eyes watered and then overflowed and then the struggle to breathe set it. Alex watched me helplessly.
I let out a sob. “People turned vicious. Everyone you knew died around you. And sometimes I wanted to die too. My friends and family had it easy. Had it so easy ! Me? I stumble onto baby graves and I keep getting reminders of things no one should ever experience.”
I pressed a shaky hand to the back of my mouth to try to keep it in. Alex cautiously approached me and pulled my hand away. I looked up at him through blurry eyes. I was so good at compartmentalizing. I didn’t like him to see me crumble this way.
He brushed away some of the tears. His face was solemn. “It’s okay not to be sad, Tasha. But it’s also okay to be sad. And to cry. It’s okay to feel or not feel. It’s okay to deal with all of this however you need to.”
He broke the dam with those words and my method of coping with this moment included streaking his shirt in a mess of snot, tears, and saliva.
He hugged me to him for the better part of five minutes while I came undone. When my blubbering was reduced to an occasional hiccup, I felt him pull away slightly and press his lips to my forehead.
The feel of his lips both calmed me and electrified me. My sadness was spent and his kiss soothed the parts that lingered but somewhere else in my heart, my adrenaline picked up speed and I became hyperaware of everywhere his body was touching mine. It caused my muscles to go rigid.
I know he felt the
I thought of Alex’s roof garden as I worked the gate. It was stuck. I finally got the rusty latch open and stepped through.
And stopped.
And stared in horror.
No, it was not a garden. Or it was on the perimeter but in the middle was a large gnarled tree and hanging from that tree were the skeletons of people. Not just any people. These were tiny skeletons. Children and babies. And underneath these horrific hanging figures was a mass pile of bones. Bones upon bones. These children were killed. And tossed in this mass grave. My scream was loud at first but it competed with a sob and the sound finished strangled in my throat.
The air was deathly still around me. I didn’t sense Alex. The familiar weight of being alone settled on me and my pulse picked up speed. I blindly backed up but in doing so, I bumped the gate and it fell closed again. I yanked but the latch gave me more trouble and my panic wasn’t helping.
Alone.
My breathing got heavier.
Where was he? I needed him. Where was he?
I turned and stared down at the bones again. “Alex!” My voice finally burst out of me. “ Alex !”
I whipped around and smacked into Alex who gathered me tightly into his arms and pressed my face into his neck as if I could un-see what I just saw.
“Oh shit,” he murmured in a shocked voice. He squeezed tighter.
“We need to leave,” I demanded, pushing away from him and stomping back out to the street.
I walked briskly away from the church, not paying attention to which direction I was headed. I didn’t care. I needed distance from that .
Alex jogged behind me to catch up. “Are you ok?” he asked.
I stopped walking and put my hands on my hips. “You needed olive oil,” I said, drawing my eyebrows together and squinting at the buildings as if I could detect which one had our needed supplies.
“Hey, Tasha. Forget the oil. Are you ok?”
“Oh, I’m fine. Perfectly okay. A hundred percent. Shit like that pops up. It’s unavoidable. You think you’ve scratched out some kind of normal existence. You go about your day, making of it what you can. And then you’re reminded of everything this world has been reduced to. Of everything you witnessed as the world went to shit.”
My eyes watered and then overflowed and then the struggle to breathe set it. Alex watched me helplessly.
I let out a sob. “People turned vicious. Everyone you knew died around you. And sometimes I wanted to die too. My friends and family had it easy. Had it so easy ! Me? I stumble onto baby graves and I keep getting reminders of things no one should ever experience.”
I pressed a shaky hand to the back of my mouth to try to keep it in. Alex cautiously approached me and pulled my hand away. I looked up at him through blurry eyes. I was so good at compartmentalizing. I didn’t like him to see me crumble this way.
He brushed away some of the tears. His face was solemn. “It’s okay not to be sad, Tasha. But it’s also okay to be sad. And to cry. It’s okay to feel or not feel. It’s okay to deal with all of this however you need to.”
He broke the dam with those words and my method of coping with this moment included streaking his shirt in a mess of snot, tears, and saliva.
He hugged me to him for the better part of five minutes while I came undone. When my blubbering was reduced to an occasional hiccup, I felt him pull away slightly and press his lips to my forehead.
The feel of his lips both calmed me and electrified me. My sadness was spent and his kiss soothed the parts that lingered but somewhere else in my heart, my adrenaline picked up speed and I became hyperaware of everywhere his body was touching mine. It caused my muscles to go rigid.
I know he felt the
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