didn’t know. Then, with a subtle shake of my head, my questions to Jenna turned to a wordless warning, or maybe a plea to not say anything to them.
I read the confusion and concern on her face when I kept myself back from her. I didn’t smile, didn’t touch her, and sure as hell didn’t greet her with a kiss, even though hours agoI’d had my tongue down her throat and we’d both been naked.
It took everything I had to act normal, to smile and laugh at Connor’s and Daniel’s jokes. To pretend nothing had happened. To hide the guilt I felt. Jenna was quiet, and the rock in my stomach got bigger, lodging beneath my diaphragm, to the point that I could barely swallow the pizza.
When Connor and Daniel finally left, I assuredthem I’d get Jenna back to her dorm safely, more guilt making the pizza I’d just choked down churn in my gut. We did backslapping guy hugs and they patted Jenna on the head, and then Jenna and I sat in silence as I drove back to campus. In my peripheral vision I saw her sitting with her arms wrapped around herself as if she were freezing.
I parked and walked inside with her, trying to figureout what the hell I was going to say and how to handle this. I’d already messed up so bad and I didn’t want to make things worse. I’d already lost one family. When my brother had died, our family was already falling apart. Everything had been about him. I didn’t resent that. Or maybe I did…who could blame a fourteen-year-old boy for resenting something like that? I’d been angry when he died, at himfor leaving me, at my parents for not saving him, at the world for letting something shitty like that happen to such a good guy.
After that, I’d lost my dad and then my mom. I’d been alone in the world and Gary and Brenda had taken me into their home and made me feel welcome and wanted there. How could I betray that? I’d been determined that I would never let them down. I wasn’t going to renegeon that now.
Even if Jenna and I did try to have a relationship, it wouldn’t last. Nothing did for me, and I’d be moving to L.A. at some point, since I’d been drafted by the Kings. She had her life and her family here. If we broke up and she got hurt, her parents wouldn’t be mad at her—they’d be mad at me. So would Connor and Daniel.
I followed Jenna up to her room but hovered barely insidethe door, leaving it open. She turned to face me.
The look on her face nearly sent me to my knees. She knew what was coming. “Jenna…”
She held up a hand and, in a thick voice, said, “Don’t. It’s okay.”
I frowned.
“I know.” She sighed. “I know. It was a mistake. It was chemistry. I get it.”
She understood. My shoulders hunched as I watched her.
“It can’t be any more than that between us,”she added. “I know.”
I swallowed. “Jenna. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize!” She waved her hand. “It’s not something you have to apologize for. We were both here, we both consented, we both enjoyed it. Now it’s done.”
I nodded slowly. “I care about you. If you ever need anything, I’m there. Anything, Jenna.”
She gave a tight smile, also nodding. “Thank you. Same goes.” She paused. “Good night,Andrew. And…good game.”
I stood there a few more seconds. The air around us felt bruised and throbbing. Tension radiated off Jenna despite her words, and my stomach burned. It felt like I should do or say something more. I wanted to hold her, but I couldn’t do that. And there was nothing I could say to make this better. “Thanks.” I closed my eyes briefly and gritted my teeth. “Night, Jenna.”
I walked out, quietly closing the door behind me. I leaned against the wall in the hall for a moment, my throat aching, my gut feeling like a giant fist was squeezing it.
For the rest of that school year I saw Jenna here and there. She didn’t come to my games. We saw each other back in Greenfield at Christmas. She got a job near Hanover and stayed there all
I read the confusion and concern on her face when I kept myself back from her. I didn’t smile, didn’t touch her, and sure as hell didn’t greet her with a kiss, even though hours agoI’d had my tongue down her throat and we’d both been naked.
It took everything I had to act normal, to smile and laugh at Connor’s and Daniel’s jokes. To pretend nothing had happened. To hide the guilt I felt. Jenna was quiet, and the rock in my stomach got bigger, lodging beneath my diaphragm, to the point that I could barely swallow the pizza.
When Connor and Daniel finally left, I assuredthem I’d get Jenna back to her dorm safely, more guilt making the pizza I’d just choked down churn in my gut. We did backslapping guy hugs and they patted Jenna on the head, and then Jenna and I sat in silence as I drove back to campus. In my peripheral vision I saw her sitting with her arms wrapped around herself as if she were freezing.
I parked and walked inside with her, trying to figureout what the hell I was going to say and how to handle this. I’d already messed up so bad and I didn’t want to make things worse. I’d already lost one family. When my brother had died, our family was already falling apart. Everything had been about him. I didn’t resent that. Or maybe I did…who could blame a fourteen-year-old boy for resenting something like that? I’d been angry when he died, at himfor leaving me, at my parents for not saving him, at the world for letting something shitty like that happen to such a good guy.
After that, I’d lost my dad and then my mom. I’d been alone in the world and Gary and Brenda had taken me into their home and made me feel welcome and wanted there. How could I betray that? I’d been determined that I would never let them down. I wasn’t going to renegeon that now.
Even if Jenna and I did try to have a relationship, it wouldn’t last. Nothing did for me, and I’d be moving to L.A. at some point, since I’d been drafted by the Kings. She had her life and her family here. If we broke up and she got hurt, her parents wouldn’t be mad at her—they’d be mad at me. So would Connor and Daniel.
I followed Jenna up to her room but hovered barely insidethe door, leaving it open. She turned to face me.
The look on her face nearly sent me to my knees. She knew what was coming. “Jenna…”
She held up a hand and, in a thick voice, said, “Don’t. It’s okay.”
I frowned.
“I know.” She sighed. “I know. It was a mistake. It was chemistry. I get it.”
She understood. My shoulders hunched as I watched her.
“It can’t be any more than that between us,”she added. “I know.”
I swallowed. “Jenna. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize!” She waved her hand. “It’s not something you have to apologize for. We were both here, we both consented, we both enjoyed it. Now it’s done.”
I nodded slowly. “I care about you. If you ever need anything, I’m there. Anything, Jenna.”
She gave a tight smile, also nodding. “Thank you. Same goes.” She paused. “Good night,Andrew. And…good game.”
I stood there a few more seconds. The air around us felt bruised and throbbing. Tension radiated off Jenna despite her words, and my stomach burned. It felt like I should do or say something more. I wanted to hold her, but I couldn’t do that. And there was nothing I could say to make this better. “Thanks.” I closed my eyes briefly and gritted my teeth. “Night, Jenna.”
I walked out, quietly closing the door behind me. I leaned against the wall in the hall for a moment, my throat aching, my gut feeling like a giant fist was squeezing it.
For the rest of that school year I saw Jenna here and there. She didn’t come to my games. We saw each other back in Greenfield at Christmas. She got a job near Hanover and stayed there all
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