love to get this worked out between the two of us so they could be friends. [To myself I’m saying, I am a parenting genius! In a year, when we’re all best friends, we’re going to laugh about this story .]
Agnes’s mom: Yes, I’m glad you called, because I’ve been hesitant to contact you. Apparently Gomer has taught Agnes the word “fuck” and now we can’t stop her from using it all the time.
Jen: Wait. What? I’m shocked. Gomer doesn’t even know that word.
Agnes’s mom: Well, of course he does. He taught it to Agnes.
Jen: No, I’m sure he didn’t.
Agnes’s mom: Look, I’ve read your blog, and I know you use that word allll the time. [ Okay , I think, we are not going to laugh about this story .]
Jen: Yeah, but—
Agnes’s mom: I realize you think it’s funny for a six-year-old to say “fuck,” but I really don’t.
Jen: Hold on. I don’t think that’s funny. Honestly, I don’t use that kind of language in front of my kids. I really don’t.
Agnes’s mom: Look, I try not to judge other people’s parenting, but I would have to say you are really terrible at it. You use that word all the time, and you probably use it when you’re talking to Gomer.
Jen: I do not!
Agnes’s mom: Like I said, I have no idea. I really don’t care. It’s none of my business what goes on in your house. All I know is that Gomer taught it to Agnes, along with all of its proper uses. She got kicked out of Sunday school last week for telling her teacher to “fuck off.” That is unacceptable behavior in this house.
Jen: Of course it is. But are you sure it was Gomer? It just doesn’t sound like him.
Agnes’s mom: Oh, but Agnes strikes you as a child who punches people? I’ve never had a complaint about Agnes’s behavior. Until she learned the f -word from your son.
Jen: My son doesn’t know that word! And yes, Agnes does strike me as the sort of child who punches people. My husband went to the school during recess and he saw Agnes punch Gomer.
Agnes’s mom: Your husband—a grown man—took off time from work to go to the school in the middle of the day to spy on children? What sort of creeper does that?
Jen: He’s not a creeper!
Agnes’s mom: Did he have permission to be on school property?
Jen: He drove over and watched from his car. And he saw—
Agnes’s mom: Like some deranged Peeping Tom!
Jen: He saw your juvenile delinquent punch Gomer!
Agnes’s mom: You know, I wasn’t even going to call you—but you’ve got a lot of nerve, lady, calling me up to complain about my daughter when your husband is up at the school intimidating and scaring a little girl.
Jen: My husband didn’t go near your daughter. He just watched to see if Gomer was telling the truth.
Agnes’s mom: Oh! So you thought maybe Gomer had made up the whole story about Agnes? That’s interesting. Let’s see if I can get this straight: you think your child is a liar, but he doesn’t know the f -word? You live in a bubble!
Jen: This is getting ridiculous. I called you because Agnes has been punching Gomer and we’d like it to stop or else I’m going to speak with the principal.
Agnes’s mom: Well, I’m going to have to speak to the principal about Gomer’s language and your husband’s disgusting behavior! That is stranger danger! We take that very seriously at our school!
Jen: My son doesn’t know that word and my husband did nothing wrong! It’s your kid who is the problem here.
Agnes’s mom: My kid? My daughter has been banned from her Sunday school and now her eternal soul is in jeopardy thanks to your kid! What do you have to say for yourself?
Jen: Fuck you!
See why I needed more information? Calling up another mother without the whole story is like walking into a minefield.
The Hubs and I decided that he’d go up to the school (with full permission from the principal), observe the kids during their recess, and report back so we could make a plan. He saw that Gomer was telling the truth and that it wasn’t just Gomer
Agnes’s mom: Yes, I’m glad you called, because I’ve been hesitant to contact you. Apparently Gomer has taught Agnes the word “fuck” and now we can’t stop her from using it all the time.
Jen: Wait. What? I’m shocked. Gomer doesn’t even know that word.
Agnes’s mom: Well, of course he does. He taught it to Agnes.
Jen: No, I’m sure he didn’t.
Agnes’s mom: Look, I’ve read your blog, and I know you use that word allll the time. [ Okay , I think, we are not going to laugh about this story .]
Jen: Yeah, but—
Agnes’s mom: I realize you think it’s funny for a six-year-old to say “fuck,” but I really don’t.
Jen: Hold on. I don’t think that’s funny. Honestly, I don’t use that kind of language in front of my kids. I really don’t.
Agnes’s mom: Look, I try not to judge other people’s parenting, but I would have to say you are really terrible at it. You use that word all the time, and you probably use it when you’re talking to Gomer.
Jen: I do not!
Agnes’s mom: Like I said, I have no idea. I really don’t care. It’s none of my business what goes on in your house. All I know is that Gomer taught it to Agnes, along with all of its proper uses. She got kicked out of Sunday school last week for telling her teacher to “fuck off.” That is unacceptable behavior in this house.
Jen: Of course it is. But are you sure it was Gomer? It just doesn’t sound like him.
Agnes’s mom: Oh, but Agnes strikes you as a child who punches people? I’ve never had a complaint about Agnes’s behavior. Until she learned the f -word from your son.
Jen: My son doesn’t know that word! And yes, Agnes does strike me as the sort of child who punches people. My husband went to the school during recess and he saw Agnes punch Gomer.
Agnes’s mom: Your husband—a grown man—took off time from work to go to the school in the middle of the day to spy on children? What sort of creeper does that?
Jen: He’s not a creeper!
Agnes’s mom: Did he have permission to be on school property?
Jen: He drove over and watched from his car. And he saw—
Agnes’s mom: Like some deranged Peeping Tom!
Jen: He saw your juvenile delinquent punch Gomer!
Agnes’s mom: You know, I wasn’t even going to call you—but you’ve got a lot of nerve, lady, calling me up to complain about my daughter when your husband is up at the school intimidating and scaring a little girl.
Jen: My husband didn’t go near your daughter. He just watched to see if Gomer was telling the truth.
Agnes’s mom: Oh! So you thought maybe Gomer had made up the whole story about Agnes? That’s interesting. Let’s see if I can get this straight: you think your child is a liar, but he doesn’t know the f -word? You live in a bubble!
Jen: This is getting ridiculous. I called you because Agnes has been punching Gomer and we’d like it to stop or else I’m going to speak with the principal.
Agnes’s mom: Well, I’m going to have to speak to the principal about Gomer’s language and your husband’s disgusting behavior! That is stranger danger! We take that very seriously at our school!
Jen: My son doesn’t know that word and my husband did nothing wrong! It’s your kid who is the problem here.
Agnes’s mom: My kid? My daughter has been banned from her Sunday school and now her eternal soul is in jeopardy thanks to your kid! What do you have to say for yourself?
Jen: Fuck you!
See why I needed more information? Calling up another mother without the whole story is like walking into a minefield.
The Hubs and I decided that he’d go up to the school (with full permission from the principal), observe the kids during their recess, and report back so we could make a plan. He saw that Gomer was telling the truth and that it wasn’t just Gomer
Similar Books
