Perilous Pleasures by Jenny Brown Page B

could have saved him.”
    He turned his tortured face to her. “The Dark Lord could. I saw with my own eyes how he breathed the life back into the body of a drowned child. And I might have saved this boy, too, if I hadn’t betrayed what he taught me. But I squandered my strength, and when it was needed, I failed. I’m cursed, Zoe. I was a fool to think I could ever become like him.”
    He looked as if he might give way to tears, and again she felt the irrational need to enfold him in her arms. But she made herself resist the impulse, knowing how much he feared her touch.
    She took a step back. “Don’t send me away. Truly, I only meant to comfort you.”
    â€œI don’t deserve comfort,” he said bitterly. “I know what I must do to justify my life, but I can’t do it. There’s no reason why I should keep on living.”
    â€œDo you really think you’re worthless because you couldn’t save a dying boy?”
    He nodded, his face a mask of misery.
    â€œThen I, too, must be worthless.” she said softly. “For I’ve never saved anyone from dying and likely never will. Indeed, I’ve never done more than wash off a child’s cut. Does that make me worthy of contempt?”
    â€œIt’s different for you. You’re a woman.”
    â€œWhy should that matter?”
    â€œBecause it isn’t a woman’s role to protect others. It’s a woman’s role to be protected.”
    â€œIf I’d looked to anyone for protection, I shouldn’t have survived my childhood. You’ve seen how well I’ve been protected.”
    That got to him. He looked up, his long russet hair framing his beautiful eyes.
    â€œBut of course,” she continued, “you’ve made it very clear you don’t think of me as a woman.”
    â€œI think of you as a woman all the time.” His upper lip quirked into a bitter half-smile. “But I mustn’t let myself respond.” The bronze knife twisted in his hand. The golden metal seemed almost alive.
    â€œI must be chaste.” His voice was a mere whisper. “If I don’t stay chaste, I’ll never earn the Final Teaching. That woman’s son would have lived if I’d known the things the Dark Lord knows. He would have lived! Would you have me give that up just to satisfy my appetites? To be merely a man as other men? Surely you couldn’t respect a man who would be so selfish.”
    â€œOh, I could respect such a man well enough,” she said sharply, “if he offered me that protection you seem to think is a woman’s due. I’ve never known it. But I’m only a courtesan’s daughter, so I don’t expect men to be as gods. It’s no wonder if I should prefer a man who offered me his kindness to one who could raise the dead.”
    â€œUnless you, too, faced death—while he stood by helplessly.” His eyes locked into hers. “Then you would hate him. As the boy hated me in his last moments. As Charlotte must have done.”
    As he whispered his sister’s name, Zoe felt an unworthy burst of envy for her, dead so long, and yet so well-beloved. He’d been so loyal to her. No one would ever speak of Zoe with such yearning. No one would ever reproach himself for letting her down.
    But this wasn’t the time for self-pity. “You did your best,” she reminded him. “Can’t you forgive yourself for being human?”
    â€œI can’t forgive myself for being an animal.” He stabbed the bronze knife savagely into the hard-packed soil. “When you touched me just now, it wasn’t comfort I wanted from you, even knowing it was my lust for you that made me useless to the boy. I’m cursed. I’ve known it all my life. Why do you have to tempt me like this?”
    â€œTempt you?” Zoe shot back. “You’re impossible! I didn’t tempt you. I reached out to comfort you. You