from him. That was the best thing about it.”
“And Erik? Is he still here? It’s a big house to live in alone.”
“Moved on.” Turning the line of questioning over to her life was obviously not on her agenda because she changed the subject back to me. “So, why the change of heart? You wanted nothing to do with anything I had to say.”
It was time to pick what and who I was going to be. “When he got arrested, I got… Well you used the word curious. I felt like there were things I needed to know, and you were trying to tell them to me, but I wouldn’t let you.”
“And you figured you’d get them out of me so you could go back and tell him?”
I held my breath. I’d failed somehow, because she jumped on my motivations so quickly. I must have looked like a deer in headlights and turned shades of pink, even in the dark corner. “I don’t know what I’m going to do.” My voice crackled like a piece of paper being thrown in the trash.
“You’re going to tell him everything I said. And he’ll rebut me. Like my wrist, which I’m sure he denied breaking during sex. And beating me in his backyard. What did he tell you about that? Did he tell you I told everyone he wanted to rape me and hurt me? But he didn’t, of course, says he ? Do you have any other source of information?”
I didn’t, but I said nothing.
“My lawyer says you found surveillance devices in your house, and he’s saying it was me. Is that what he told you? That I did it?”
“Yes.”
“I’m not the one with the sick fantasies. Why would I do that?”
How could I answer? How could I say, “So you could try to prove he was an abuser. To shame him. To get him declared incompetent.” I wouldn’t tip Jonathan’s hand. I gazed down at my palms in my lap and tried to think of some rebuttal that made sense, but I had nothing.
She took my silence as permission to continue, her words measured and careful. “Every piece of information you have comes from him. Let me tell you something. He has control fantasies. If cameras were in your house, you have no farther to look than the man next to you. If a woman says he broke her wrist because he was holding them behind her back during sex, believe her.”
“You said you were joking.”
“I shouldn’t have told you when you were working. That was the joke. It wasn’t funny, but I don’t lie. Jonathan does. You know that, right? You know he lies.”
I took a deep breath. How could I admit that without betraying him? To sit there and say I believed everything he’d ever said would earn me nothing but her laughter. I felt cornered, hateful. Jonathan was right. I shouldn’t have come.
“His father ruined my family. Did he tell you that? He killed Daddy. Broke his heart with some sneaky business deal. I didn’t know when I met Jonathan. I had been protected. Daddy never even told me he’d lost nearly everything until I introduced them, and by then, it was too late. I loved him, and I fought for him. Just like you’re doing. His whole family ruins people.” Jessica leaned forward and put her hand over mine. “I know he didn’t tell you about Rachel either. What he did to her.”
My eyes shot to hers. My breathing picked up. “What?”
“You have bruises on your neck,” she said.
I impulsively touched the bend where shoulder and neck met, as if to hide them or make sure they were still there. “What did he do?”
“He killed her.”
He killed her. Had I known that, somewhere deep in my gut? Had I been avoiding it? Lying to myself, as I often did? Or were there more lies on top of those?
I felt trapped. Months ago, I’d been flying, my own buzz filling my ears, with a destination in mind but a path not mapped. I had a job and friends and hope. One night, I spilled a drink. I touched a man’s hand, and I let him kiss me on the hood of his car. Some time after, I don’t know when, I fell into a web of lies and deceit. The harder I struggled, the more trapped I became.
“And Erik? Is he still here? It’s a big house to live in alone.”
“Moved on.” Turning the line of questioning over to her life was obviously not on her agenda because she changed the subject back to me. “So, why the change of heart? You wanted nothing to do with anything I had to say.”
It was time to pick what and who I was going to be. “When he got arrested, I got… Well you used the word curious. I felt like there were things I needed to know, and you were trying to tell them to me, but I wouldn’t let you.”
“And you figured you’d get them out of me so you could go back and tell him?”
I held my breath. I’d failed somehow, because she jumped on my motivations so quickly. I must have looked like a deer in headlights and turned shades of pink, even in the dark corner. “I don’t know what I’m going to do.” My voice crackled like a piece of paper being thrown in the trash.
“You’re going to tell him everything I said. And he’ll rebut me. Like my wrist, which I’m sure he denied breaking during sex. And beating me in his backyard. What did he tell you about that? Did he tell you I told everyone he wanted to rape me and hurt me? But he didn’t, of course, says he ? Do you have any other source of information?”
I didn’t, but I said nothing.
“My lawyer says you found surveillance devices in your house, and he’s saying it was me. Is that what he told you? That I did it?”
“Yes.”
“I’m not the one with the sick fantasies. Why would I do that?”
How could I answer? How could I say, “So you could try to prove he was an abuser. To shame him. To get him declared incompetent.” I wouldn’t tip Jonathan’s hand. I gazed down at my palms in my lap and tried to think of some rebuttal that made sense, but I had nothing.
She took my silence as permission to continue, her words measured and careful. “Every piece of information you have comes from him. Let me tell you something. He has control fantasies. If cameras were in your house, you have no farther to look than the man next to you. If a woman says he broke her wrist because he was holding them behind her back during sex, believe her.”
“You said you were joking.”
“I shouldn’t have told you when you were working. That was the joke. It wasn’t funny, but I don’t lie. Jonathan does. You know that, right? You know he lies.”
I took a deep breath. How could I admit that without betraying him? To sit there and say I believed everything he’d ever said would earn me nothing but her laughter. I felt cornered, hateful. Jonathan was right. I shouldn’t have come.
“His father ruined my family. Did he tell you that? He killed Daddy. Broke his heart with some sneaky business deal. I didn’t know when I met Jonathan. I had been protected. Daddy never even told me he’d lost nearly everything until I introduced them, and by then, it was too late. I loved him, and I fought for him. Just like you’re doing. His whole family ruins people.” Jessica leaned forward and put her hand over mine. “I know he didn’t tell you about Rachel either. What he did to her.”
My eyes shot to hers. My breathing picked up. “What?”
“You have bruises on your neck,” she said.
I impulsively touched the bend where shoulder and neck met, as if to hide them or make sure they were still there. “What did he do?”
“He killed her.”
He killed her. Had I known that, somewhere deep in my gut? Had I been avoiding it? Lying to myself, as I often did? Or were there more lies on top of those?
I felt trapped. Months ago, I’d been flying, my own buzz filling my ears, with a destination in mind but a path not mapped. I had a job and friends and hope. One night, I spilled a drink. I touched a man’s hand, and I let him kiss me on the hood of his car. Some time after, I don’t know when, I fell into a web of lies and deceit. The harder I struggled, the more trapped I became.
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