didn’t then,” I retorted, “but I do now. Now I know he was right. If it were just me, I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t walk around this place and know half the people wanted to knife me for the sigil on my chest. But you’re here, and I can’t run away anymore. So every day I walk back into the court, and every day I watch for your enemies and I make them my enemies.”
“The King?” she challenged, and I nodded.
“He’s not my ally. He doesn’t have my loyalty, you do. Or the Duke,” I added in a whisper. “I watch him, even when you don’t. I remember he’s our enemy.”
“It’s all about enemies with you,” she accused me. “You only care about who we can trust and who we can’t.”
“We can’t trust anyone,” I said fiercely. “Except each other. That’s the most important thing.”
“No! It’s to live so we can do important things, because there are more important things! Things like the rebellion, that shape the whole world. Catwin, there’s a world beyond the court, and who said what, and who danced with whom!”
“Not for me.” I clenched my hands to stop myself from grabbing her and pulling her close, as she did when she wanted to hiss something in my face. “I took my vow to keep you safe, and so that’s what I do. I protect you. There’s nothing more important, and you can’t say it doesn’t matter—who’s rescued you a dozen times so you could whine about philosophy and sympathize with rebels? Me. You wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for me watching your back.” She stared at me, wide eyed. “So you decide, because you’re the oath-breaker. Not me. You decide what you want. Until then, I’ll keep faith.”
I did not wait for her response, for I knew she would have none. I turned around and went to bed, not bowing, not waiting for her. I left her staring after me, and I lay in the dark and thought myself a fool to have trusted her.
Chapter 9
The next morning, not speaking to me, Miriel woke early and sent Anna to order hot water for a bath. She shed her clothes—I was glad to see that there were no longer any bruises on her skin—and she bathed silently. She would smooth her hands over her skin, covering it with the rose-scented soap she used, and then she would scrub at it until her skin was nearly raw, so pink that once or twice I nearly moved to stop her. I sat in the room with her, ostensibly studying, but watching her and wondering what change my words had wrought this time. She did not acknowledge my presence even once.
I sat and snuck glances over at her, a book open on my lap. I could not think what to say to her. I could not find the words to apologize.
At last, she sluiced clean water over herself and wrapped a bath sheet around her body as she wandered around to each of her wardrobes, looking at the priceless gowns inside. She selected one of a pale pink trimmed in white and had Anna lace her into it, tightly. She slid a cuff of pearls over her wrist, and twisted tendrils of her hair back, to be pinned.
“How are you?” I asked her, tentatively. I saw her consider an angry retort, a witty disclaimer; she only shrugged her shoulders and continued to look in the mirror.
“You were right,” she said, after such a long pause that I had forgotten the question. “We need to survive.” I knew that tone in her voice, and I knew there was a reason she had waited for Anna to leave the room. I only waited, and her next words came in a rush. “But I can’t just let the rebels go without aid. I have to try to help them.”
Even expecting it, I felt my shoulders slump. “Don’t.”
“It isn’t a choice, Catwin.”
“Yes, it is!” My voice rose, and I went over to her, knelt at her side and took her hands in mine. Once, she would have slapped me for such a thing; now, her eyes flared but she did not pull away. I tried to find words that would explain to her, a girl who had never known hunger or cold or homelessness, what it was that
“The King?” she challenged, and I nodded.
“He’s not my ally. He doesn’t have my loyalty, you do. Or the Duke,” I added in a whisper. “I watch him, even when you don’t. I remember he’s our enemy.”
“It’s all about enemies with you,” she accused me. “You only care about who we can trust and who we can’t.”
“We can’t trust anyone,” I said fiercely. “Except each other. That’s the most important thing.”
“No! It’s to live so we can do important things, because there are more important things! Things like the rebellion, that shape the whole world. Catwin, there’s a world beyond the court, and who said what, and who danced with whom!”
“Not for me.” I clenched my hands to stop myself from grabbing her and pulling her close, as she did when she wanted to hiss something in my face. “I took my vow to keep you safe, and so that’s what I do. I protect you. There’s nothing more important, and you can’t say it doesn’t matter—who’s rescued you a dozen times so you could whine about philosophy and sympathize with rebels? Me. You wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for me watching your back.” She stared at me, wide eyed. “So you decide, because you’re the oath-breaker. Not me. You decide what you want. Until then, I’ll keep faith.”
I did not wait for her response, for I knew she would have none. I turned around and went to bed, not bowing, not waiting for her. I left her staring after me, and I lay in the dark and thought myself a fool to have trusted her.
Chapter 9
The next morning, not speaking to me, Miriel woke early and sent Anna to order hot water for a bath. She shed her clothes—I was glad to see that there were no longer any bruises on her skin—and she bathed silently. She would smooth her hands over her skin, covering it with the rose-scented soap she used, and then she would scrub at it until her skin was nearly raw, so pink that once or twice I nearly moved to stop her. I sat in the room with her, ostensibly studying, but watching her and wondering what change my words had wrought this time. She did not acknowledge my presence even once.
I sat and snuck glances over at her, a book open on my lap. I could not think what to say to her. I could not find the words to apologize.
At last, she sluiced clean water over herself and wrapped a bath sheet around her body as she wandered around to each of her wardrobes, looking at the priceless gowns inside. She selected one of a pale pink trimmed in white and had Anna lace her into it, tightly. She slid a cuff of pearls over her wrist, and twisted tendrils of her hair back, to be pinned.
“How are you?” I asked her, tentatively. I saw her consider an angry retort, a witty disclaimer; she only shrugged her shoulders and continued to look in the mirror.
“You were right,” she said, after such a long pause that I had forgotten the question. “We need to survive.” I knew that tone in her voice, and I knew there was a reason she had waited for Anna to leave the room. I only waited, and her next words came in a rush. “But I can’t just let the rebels go without aid. I have to try to help them.”
Even expecting it, I felt my shoulders slump. “Don’t.”
“It isn’t a choice, Catwin.”
“Yes, it is!” My voice rose, and I went over to her, knelt at her side and took her hands in mine. Once, she would have slapped me for such a thing; now, her eyes flared but she did not pull away. I tried to find words that would explain to her, a girl who had never known hunger or cold or homelessness, what it was that
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