long
before she came to stay with us—”
He was saying my foster sister had wanted
what he’d done to her. “Don’t say another word!”
“Sunny, I need you! Please, I’m sick and I
really need you!”
“What about when I needed you?” I whispered.
“What about all the times I was alone, with some woman you left me
with? Do you know one of them locked me in my room for a day,
because she was tired of me asking her to play with me?”
“Sunny, if I’d known—”
“You did know!” I screamed. “You didn’t care!
You never cared! You only ever cared about yourself! You still only
care about yourself!”
“Honey, that’s not true!”
“Good-bye, Dad,” I said, wiping away my
tears. “You won’t see me again.”
“Baby Girl, I need you! Don’t leave me here
alone—”
“You’ll find someone,” I said, walking away
from him without a backward look. “You always do.”
* * * *
I kept to myself for the next few months. I
picked up the phone several times to call Terian, but always put it
down. That woman named Monica had surely given him the message. He
just didn’t want to talk to me.
But I did make a vow to respect myself a
little more. I hadn’t slept with anyone since Lash, and I decided
to keep it that way, turning down all offers from my appreciative
patrons, even the ones that would surely have been pleasurable. I’d
had enough of sex that didn’t mean something. I’d had enough of
being with men to whom I didn’t mean anything. I’d lived a lot of
my life viewing myself as just someone trying to live. That was no
longer enough; I wanted a good life, one that made me happy, with
relationships that mattered. I wanted friends I could count on, and
a place that was a home, not just a place to sleep. Maybe I’d never
have a white picket fence, or someone to wake up with and share a
good morning smile. But I deserved that as much as anyone else did.
It was time to go after that happy dream, and try to make it my
reality.
* * * *
At Christmas, I didn’t send my father a
Christmas card. He didn’t send me one, either. That wasn’t a
surprise. I did drink a bottle of wine by myself though, and got
trashed. But hell, I’d been good for months. I deserved a little
downtime.
For New Years, I went to the bar where Lash
and I’d met all those nights, and toasted him. I hoped he was
having a good time down in South America. At least he wasn’t
freezing his ass off like I was. All that week, I built up my
courage to make a second try to contact Terian. The next day,
January eighth, I decided to finally call him. Again, when I
called, the person who answered said he wasn’t in.
I was done being nice and leaving messages.
“Listen, Asshole, I need to talk to him. Where is he?”
“He has guard duties,” grumbled the gruff man
who’d said his name was Brian.
“When will he be back?”
“Around four, or so today.”
“Will you remember to tell him, or should I
call back then?”
“I’ll tell him,” Brian growled back. “But
call back if you want.”
I hung up, realizing I needed to get to
work.
I got done around seven, and went back to my
place. On my machine was a message from Terian.
“Hi Sun.” Pause. “I was glad to get your
message. I tried calling you at your old place, and stopped by, but
they said you’d left town more than a year ago. And when I stopped
by your work, they said you’d left town, too—”
I’d asked Hunter and the other guys to tell
that to anyone asking for me, in case Devlin ever came looking for
me. I’d never thought Terian would come looking for me. Shit.
“— I’d like to see you, if you want to
get together. Dinner, maybe? Call my cell, it’s always
on.”
Terian stated his cell number number, then
paused, and whatever he was going to say was lost, because he
paused too long this time and the machine hung up on him.
Shit. It’s now or
never. I called, aging years from sheer tension as I waited
for each ring to go
before she came to stay with us—”
He was saying my foster sister had wanted
what he’d done to her. “Don’t say another word!”
“Sunny, I need you! Please, I’m sick and I
really need you!”
“What about when I needed you?” I whispered.
“What about all the times I was alone, with some woman you left me
with? Do you know one of them locked me in my room for a day,
because she was tired of me asking her to play with me?”
“Sunny, if I’d known—”
“You did know!” I screamed. “You didn’t care!
You never cared! You only ever cared about yourself! You still only
care about yourself!”
“Honey, that’s not true!”
“Good-bye, Dad,” I said, wiping away my
tears. “You won’t see me again.”
“Baby Girl, I need you! Don’t leave me here
alone—”
“You’ll find someone,” I said, walking away
from him without a backward look. “You always do.”
* * * *
I kept to myself for the next few months. I
picked up the phone several times to call Terian, but always put it
down. That woman named Monica had surely given him the message. He
just didn’t want to talk to me.
But I did make a vow to respect myself a
little more. I hadn’t slept with anyone since Lash, and I decided
to keep it that way, turning down all offers from my appreciative
patrons, even the ones that would surely have been pleasurable. I’d
had enough of sex that didn’t mean something. I’d had enough of
being with men to whom I didn’t mean anything. I’d lived a lot of
my life viewing myself as just someone trying to live. That was no
longer enough; I wanted a good life, one that made me happy, with
relationships that mattered. I wanted friends I could count on, and
a place that was a home, not just a place to sleep. Maybe I’d never
have a white picket fence, or someone to wake up with and share a
good morning smile. But I deserved that as much as anyone else did.
It was time to go after that happy dream, and try to make it my
reality.
* * * *
At Christmas, I didn’t send my father a
Christmas card. He didn’t send me one, either. That wasn’t a
surprise. I did drink a bottle of wine by myself though, and got
trashed. But hell, I’d been good for months. I deserved a little
downtime.
For New Years, I went to the bar where Lash
and I’d met all those nights, and toasted him. I hoped he was
having a good time down in South America. At least he wasn’t
freezing his ass off like I was. All that week, I built up my
courage to make a second try to contact Terian. The next day,
January eighth, I decided to finally call him. Again, when I
called, the person who answered said he wasn’t in.
I was done being nice and leaving messages.
“Listen, Asshole, I need to talk to him. Where is he?”
“He has guard duties,” grumbled the gruff man
who’d said his name was Brian.
“When will he be back?”
“Around four, or so today.”
“Will you remember to tell him, or should I
call back then?”
“I’ll tell him,” Brian growled back. “But
call back if you want.”
I hung up, realizing I needed to get to
work.
I got done around seven, and went back to my
place. On my machine was a message from Terian.
“Hi Sun.” Pause. “I was glad to get your
message. I tried calling you at your old place, and stopped by, but
they said you’d left town more than a year ago. And when I stopped
by your work, they said you’d left town, too—”
I’d asked Hunter and the other guys to tell
that to anyone asking for me, in case Devlin ever came looking for
me. I’d never thought Terian would come looking for me. Shit.
“— I’d like to see you, if you want to
get together. Dinner, maybe? Call my cell, it’s always
on.”
Terian stated his cell number number, then
paused, and whatever he was going to say was lost, because he
paused too long this time and the machine hung up on him.
Shit. It’s now or
never. I called, aging years from sheer tension as I waited
for each ring to go
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