guy.’
Lauren nodded and got to her feet. ‘Soon, I hope.’
‘We hope so too,’ Ella said.
In the lift Lauren stood silently beside Joe who jabbed at the button with his thumb. ‘You’d think it’d be faster in a newish building like this.’
She felt weak with fear and guilt.
At home, she was inside before Joe had driven off. She ached with fatigue and tension, and the sound of Felise banging about in the attic made her grit her teeth. In the kitchen she took down their collection of medicines. She didn’t like to take sedatives to help her sleep because of the fog they left in their wake, but today she felt she had little choice. She had another night shift that night; lying in bed awake all day would do her no good at all. She weighed the box of tablets in her hand and wished her brain had a switch she could flick to ‘off’.
‘See what we made you?’ Kristi came into the room and yanked open the fridge door. ‘It’s on the table.’
It was a small mosaic featuring something that looked like a purplish ear against a sky blue background. Next to it was the plumber’s bill for the new water heater. Lauren took a closer look and winced. The landlord wasn’t going to be happy.
‘It’s our new teapot stand.’ Kristi shoved a large bottle of water and three apples into her work knapsack.
‘A mosaic of an ear?’
‘A spleen.’
Lauren popped out a tablet and swallowed it dry. ‘Great.’
Kristi spooned tabouli into a small container. ‘How was your night?’
‘Crap.’
‘Ordinary night shift crap, or more?’
‘More.’ Lauren slumped into a chair. ‘I went to a stabbing. The man died.’
‘Oh my god.’ Kristi dropped the spoon. ‘How did it happen?’
‘Somebody just walked up to him on the street and stabbed him. He was still conscious when we got there, and we got him in the ambulance and I was filling him up with fluids, and then he gave me a message for his wife.’
Kristi sat down next to her and smoothed her calloused palm over Lauren’s forehead. ‘Are you okay?’
The action reminded Lauren of how she’d done exactly the same thing to Kennedy, and she looked away from the touch. ‘He knew he was dying,’ she said. ‘He told me who stabbed him. I had to give a statement to the police about what he said.’
Kristi’s eyes were round. ‘That’s amazing.’
‘Not quite the word I’d use.’
‘No, but listen,’ Kristi said. ‘You saw a man die, you wrote down his last words including the identity of his killer. I know you think you’ve built up this layer around your heart, this tough stringy layer like beef jerky, and that you need this to cope with your work, but really, Lauren, this is something else. Apart from the fact that it comes so soon after the ice addict attack, this was you and this man at the final moments of his life, him standing on the precipice of the great unknown and you the only one holding his hand, looking into his eyes, simultaneously trying to hold him back and to ease his passing if that was how it was to be, to take down his last message for the world, words which will both comfort his family and help the police avenge his death, and Jesus, you know what? What you’ve done allows him to point his hand from the grave, identifying his killer, ensuring that justice with a capital J is done.’
‘I wanted so badly to save him.’
‘I know you did.’
‘You don’t understand. I needed to save him. I had to,’ Lauren said. ‘But I didn’t.’
‘You can’t save everyone,’ Kristi said. ‘The universe has its plan.’
‘That’s bullshit,’ Lauren said. ‘This man should still be alive.’
‘Violence is a terrible thing.’
‘You don’t get it.’
Kristi stroked her hair. ‘Then help me get it.’
‘I can’t.’
‘I’ve looked death in the face too, remember,’ Kristi said. ‘When I was in that car accident–’
Lauren squeezed her eyes closed. ‘That’s not the same thing and you know it.’
‘I’m
Lauren nodded and got to her feet. ‘Soon, I hope.’
‘We hope so too,’ Ella said.
In the lift Lauren stood silently beside Joe who jabbed at the button with his thumb. ‘You’d think it’d be faster in a newish building like this.’
She felt weak with fear and guilt.
At home, she was inside before Joe had driven off. She ached with fatigue and tension, and the sound of Felise banging about in the attic made her grit her teeth. In the kitchen she took down their collection of medicines. She didn’t like to take sedatives to help her sleep because of the fog they left in their wake, but today she felt she had little choice. She had another night shift that night; lying in bed awake all day would do her no good at all. She weighed the box of tablets in her hand and wished her brain had a switch she could flick to ‘off’.
‘See what we made you?’ Kristi came into the room and yanked open the fridge door. ‘It’s on the table.’
It was a small mosaic featuring something that looked like a purplish ear against a sky blue background. Next to it was the plumber’s bill for the new water heater. Lauren took a closer look and winced. The landlord wasn’t going to be happy.
‘It’s our new teapot stand.’ Kristi shoved a large bottle of water and three apples into her work knapsack.
‘A mosaic of an ear?’
‘A spleen.’
Lauren popped out a tablet and swallowed it dry. ‘Great.’
Kristi spooned tabouli into a small container. ‘How was your night?’
‘Crap.’
‘Ordinary night shift crap, or more?’
‘More.’ Lauren slumped into a chair. ‘I went to a stabbing. The man died.’
‘Oh my god.’ Kristi dropped the spoon. ‘How did it happen?’
‘Somebody just walked up to him on the street and stabbed him. He was still conscious when we got there, and we got him in the ambulance and I was filling him up with fluids, and then he gave me a message for his wife.’
Kristi sat down next to her and smoothed her calloused palm over Lauren’s forehead. ‘Are you okay?’
The action reminded Lauren of how she’d done exactly the same thing to Kennedy, and she looked away from the touch. ‘He knew he was dying,’ she said. ‘He told me who stabbed him. I had to give a statement to the police about what he said.’
Kristi’s eyes were round. ‘That’s amazing.’
‘Not quite the word I’d use.’
‘No, but listen,’ Kristi said. ‘You saw a man die, you wrote down his last words including the identity of his killer. I know you think you’ve built up this layer around your heart, this tough stringy layer like beef jerky, and that you need this to cope with your work, but really, Lauren, this is something else. Apart from the fact that it comes so soon after the ice addict attack, this was you and this man at the final moments of his life, him standing on the precipice of the great unknown and you the only one holding his hand, looking into his eyes, simultaneously trying to hold him back and to ease his passing if that was how it was to be, to take down his last message for the world, words which will both comfort his family and help the police avenge his death, and Jesus, you know what? What you’ve done allows him to point his hand from the grave, identifying his killer, ensuring that justice with a capital J is done.’
‘I wanted so badly to save him.’
‘I know you did.’
‘You don’t understand. I needed to save him. I had to,’ Lauren said. ‘But I didn’t.’
‘You can’t save everyone,’ Kristi said. ‘The universe has its plan.’
‘That’s bullshit,’ Lauren said. ‘This man should still be alive.’
‘Violence is a terrible thing.’
‘You don’t get it.’
Kristi stroked her hair. ‘Then help me get it.’
‘I can’t.’
‘I’ve looked death in the face too, remember,’ Kristi said. ‘When I was in that car accident–’
Lauren squeezed her eyes closed. ‘That’s not the same thing and you know it.’
‘I’m
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