everywhere, and if the count breathed even a word of my involvement with the conspiracy, he would take my head in a minute. Just like the Marquis of Chalais’s. If he took a marquis’s head, what would he do with me? A viscount. What would be left for you? And who would care for Lisette?
I sunk deeper into my corner, pressing myself against the cold stone of the wall as he said my name and as Alexandre’s gaze swung toward me. It must have taken great control on both their parts not to have thrown my mistake up in my face. It was no one’s fault but mine that the count had demanded from them such an impossible thing.
Father continued with a sigh. “We must face the facts. The count can ask me for anything he wants, and I have no choice but to give it to him.” He shook his head when Alexandre tried to speak. “I am simply stating what’s true. If we sell the estate, then—”
“No!” The word escaped my lips before I could think to stop it. They must not sell the estate. The estate was all that was left. As long as Father held the lands, then there was hope. With the estates as his promised inheritance, Alexandre might still marry. The weather might change—next autumn might bring a more generous harvest. And who knew when the count would die? We might, all of us, find relief sooner than we thought. But without the lands, we would be nothing at all.
Father’s face seemed to crumple in upon itself as he turned toward me.
I stepped farther back into the shadow.
“ Ma chérie… I do not have many choices. My past does not allow me that luxury.”
“Please…don’t do it.” Then I would be responsible for his complete and total destruction. I stepped toward the light of the taper. Toward him. “Please don’t.”
Alexandre joined me in beseeching him. “You must not. He has no right to demand it!”
Father tried to smile. “Sometimes the past has the power to devour the future. If only I had known then what would be required of me now…but perhaps there is still some hope. If we can get a high enough price for the land, then perhaps we can keep the château…”
“But…it’s not fair!” There was no use trying to hide the tears that seeped from my eyes. I had come so near him by that time, when he reached for me, his hand found my cheek. He cupped it there, just as he had done so many times before when I was a child. I wished, how I wished, I could be the daughter he needed. In spite of the slow deterioration of our circumstances, he had insisted I be trained in singing and dance and the playing of the lute. Somewhere he had found the money. He wanted me to have the same advantages Grand-père had given Maman . He’d always claimed me to be the picture of her person, but why couldn’t he realize I could never match her soul?
Against all reason, he kept planning for my future. He kept asking me my opinion of this count’s son or that duke’s nephew. As if I still had the chance to marry and become some great lord’s companion. In truth, I had never wanted a great lord, and without a dowry I would never have one now. But my dreams, as well as his plans, were dead.
I had only ever wanted to be the woman with a cool, gentle touch. I longed to speak in melodies and have hands that danced along to the rhythm of my words. To laugh without care and to offer grace without stopping to calculate the cost.
I wanted to be like my mother. I wanted to be worthy of my father’s pride.
But I had wanted overmuch.
I had insisted on playing with a pair of lavish lace cuffs instead of contenting myself with memories. I had longed for the love and admiration of Alexandre instead of accepting the consequence of my sins. It seemed I was destined always to want more than I could have.
And in the wanting, I had forfeited everything.
My hand found his as I knelt before him, weeping. “It’s all my fault.”
“No, mon trésor . Never. The fault is mine. I should never have taken part in such schemes. And
I sunk deeper into my corner, pressing myself against the cold stone of the wall as he said my name and as Alexandre’s gaze swung toward me. It must have taken great control on both their parts not to have thrown my mistake up in my face. It was no one’s fault but mine that the count had demanded from them such an impossible thing.
Father continued with a sigh. “We must face the facts. The count can ask me for anything he wants, and I have no choice but to give it to him.” He shook his head when Alexandre tried to speak. “I am simply stating what’s true. If we sell the estate, then—”
“No!” The word escaped my lips before I could think to stop it. They must not sell the estate. The estate was all that was left. As long as Father held the lands, then there was hope. With the estates as his promised inheritance, Alexandre might still marry. The weather might change—next autumn might bring a more generous harvest. And who knew when the count would die? We might, all of us, find relief sooner than we thought. But without the lands, we would be nothing at all.
Father’s face seemed to crumple in upon itself as he turned toward me.
I stepped farther back into the shadow.
“ Ma chérie… I do not have many choices. My past does not allow me that luxury.”
“Please…don’t do it.” Then I would be responsible for his complete and total destruction. I stepped toward the light of the taper. Toward him. “Please don’t.”
Alexandre joined me in beseeching him. “You must not. He has no right to demand it!”
Father tried to smile. “Sometimes the past has the power to devour the future. If only I had known then what would be required of me now…but perhaps there is still some hope. If we can get a high enough price for the land, then perhaps we can keep the château…”
“But…it’s not fair!” There was no use trying to hide the tears that seeped from my eyes. I had come so near him by that time, when he reached for me, his hand found my cheek. He cupped it there, just as he had done so many times before when I was a child. I wished, how I wished, I could be the daughter he needed. In spite of the slow deterioration of our circumstances, he had insisted I be trained in singing and dance and the playing of the lute. Somewhere he had found the money. He wanted me to have the same advantages Grand-père had given Maman . He’d always claimed me to be the picture of her person, but why couldn’t he realize I could never match her soul?
Against all reason, he kept planning for my future. He kept asking me my opinion of this count’s son or that duke’s nephew. As if I still had the chance to marry and become some great lord’s companion. In truth, I had never wanted a great lord, and without a dowry I would never have one now. But my dreams, as well as his plans, were dead.
I had only ever wanted to be the woman with a cool, gentle touch. I longed to speak in melodies and have hands that danced along to the rhythm of my words. To laugh without care and to offer grace without stopping to calculate the cost.
I wanted to be like my mother. I wanted to be worthy of my father’s pride.
But I had wanted overmuch.
I had insisted on playing with a pair of lavish lace cuffs instead of contenting myself with memories. I had longed for the love and admiration of Alexandre instead of accepting the consequence of my sins. It seemed I was destined always to want more than I could have.
And in the wanting, I had forfeited everything.
My hand found his as I knelt before him, weeping. “It’s all my fault.”
“No, mon trésor . Never. The fault is mine. I should never have taken part in such schemes. And
Similar Books
