broke or irresponsible in front of a neighbor. That might have made her feel better in the short run. But shame kills intimacy. Beth kept her eye on the ball: having intimacy with her husband. The choice was hers: She could let the phone disconnection be an inconvenience or a major trauma. Beth chose the former, and although she felt touchy that evening because of that incident, at least there was no fallout with her husband to clean up later.
*Â Â Â *Â Â Â *
The following month, the electricity at my house was disconnected for nonpayment. I thought of Beth and was inspired by her level-headedness. I actually laughed out loud at the irony. Here I was, writing a book telling other women to trust their husbands to pay the bills, and in the process of doing just that, I couldnât even turn on my computer!
The weather happened to be gorgeous, and I wish I could tell you that I took this opportunity to go out in the backyard and enjoy the sun. I wish I could say that we ordered in dinner and lit candles that evening. I wish I could say I had the serenity to let my husband take care of everything.
Unfortunately, I canât tell you that without lying like a rug.
Instead of relaxing, I went into survival mode, located the checkbook, and went to the nearest payment office. I wrote a check even though I had no idea what was in our checking account. The power was back on in a couple of hours, but I had missed an opportunity to trust and relax. When I called Beth to tell her she was not the only one who had had this experience, I realized that I would probably have to live through the whole episode again, just so I could get it right the next time.
Of course I could have focused on how I had trusted John and he had let me down, and I could have decided right then and there that I would take responsibility for the bills again. In that moment I was tempted. But as the poster child for surrendering, I couldnât stop doing what I was telling other women to do. Instead, I was forced to remember that I, too, had made some mistakes when I was handling the money.
I had always paid the utility bills, true, but Iâd made some other costly moves. For instance, I started a small business that was a money drain from the time I opened the doors to the day I closed it six months later. I had bought things on credit that we couldnât afford and bounced plenty of checks. I even compulsively bought a small condo that we ended up living in for four drearyyears. To me, my actions didnât seem irresponsible because they were
my
mistakes. But if I was going to be fair I couldnât very well point a finger at him without looking at my own shortcomings.
Like water seeking its own level, John and I match: We both had a degree of irresponsibility with money.
It occurred to me then that I couldnât remember a single time that John had criticized or belittled me for my money mistakes. I decided to cut him some slack, particularly since he was doing a job I could no longer handle.
Fortunately, my husband, like most, is a quick learner, and heâs never made a mistake paying the utility bills again.
As Iâve said before, you and your husband match perfectly too. Just because heâs a free spender and you tend to be conservative with money doesnât mean itâs time to call a lawyer. There are lots of ways to âmatch.â For instance, his overspending may be the shadow side of your tendency to hoard, since neither approach is truly balanced. Perhaps your fear of losing money is the flip side of his ambition to invest aggressively for bigger returns. Maybe youâre the one who always has money in the bank, but heâs the one who really knows how to have a good time.
One of the gifts of marriage is that as you grow and become more intimate, each of you heals in areas that you might never have expected. You may find your fear of financial insecurity lifts when you know someone responsible
*Â Â Â *Â Â Â *
The following month, the electricity at my house was disconnected for nonpayment. I thought of Beth and was inspired by her level-headedness. I actually laughed out loud at the irony. Here I was, writing a book telling other women to trust their husbands to pay the bills, and in the process of doing just that, I couldnât even turn on my computer!
The weather happened to be gorgeous, and I wish I could tell you that I took this opportunity to go out in the backyard and enjoy the sun. I wish I could say that we ordered in dinner and lit candles that evening. I wish I could say I had the serenity to let my husband take care of everything.
Unfortunately, I canât tell you that without lying like a rug.
Instead of relaxing, I went into survival mode, located the checkbook, and went to the nearest payment office. I wrote a check even though I had no idea what was in our checking account. The power was back on in a couple of hours, but I had missed an opportunity to trust and relax. When I called Beth to tell her she was not the only one who had had this experience, I realized that I would probably have to live through the whole episode again, just so I could get it right the next time.
Of course I could have focused on how I had trusted John and he had let me down, and I could have decided right then and there that I would take responsibility for the bills again. In that moment I was tempted. But as the poster child for surrendering, I couldnât stop doing what I was telling other women to do. Instead, I was forced to remember that I, too, had made some mistakes when I was handling the money.
I had always paid the utility bills, true, but Iâd made some other costly moves. For instance, I started a small business that was a money drain from the time I opened the doors to the day I closed it six months later. I had bought things on credit that we couldnât afford and bounced plenty of checks. I even compulsively bought a small condo that we ended up living in for four drearyyears. To me, my actions didnât seem irresponsible because they were
my
mistakes. But if I was going to be fair I couldnât very well point a finger at him without looking at my own shortcomings.
Like water seeking its own level, John and I match: We both had a degree of irresponsibility with money.
It occurred to me then that I couldnât remember a single time that John had criticized or belittled me for my money mistakes. I decided to cut him some slack, particularly since he was doing a job I could no longer handle.
Fortunately, my husband, like most, is a quick learner, and heâs never made a mistake paying the utility bills again.
As Iâve said before, you and your husband match perfectly too. Just because heâs a free spender and you tend to be conservative with money doesnât mean itâs time to call a lawyer. There are lots of ways to âmatch.â For instance, his overspending may be the shadow side of your tendency to hoard, since neither approach is truly balanced. Perhaps your fear of losing money is the flip side of his ambition to invest aggressively for bigger returns. Maybe youâre the one who always has money in the bank, but heâs the one who really knows how to have a good time.
One of the gifts of marriage is that as you grow and become more intimate, each of you heals in areas that you might never have expected. You may find your fear of financial insecurity lifts when you know someone responsible
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