not our dynamic. I knew less how to comfort him then I knew how to tame a bear.
“ What’s the matter with you, you big girl?” I said, apprehensively. My lips curled up only because I was forcing them to.
He snorted, wetly, and wiped his face with his sleeve. Hessa reached up and touched his tear-stained face, which only made him go another round of bawling.
“ Don’t take him away from me, please,” Deshi begged, shaking a little.
Confusion messed up my thoughts. The unfair, but very strong, urge to smack him and tell him to pull himself together was making my hands shake like they were straining at the bit like the sled dogs. My total lack of sympathy reinforced to me what a terrible mother I was.
“ Why would we do that?” I asked. I thought he was upset about Joseph and me and of course, I was wrong.
Deshi took a deep breath and narrowed his eyes, considering his speech. “Well, now that you and Joe are all happy families, and Joe keeps calling Hessa and Orry brothers… I guess I thought maybe you were going to make that official.”
I laughed. Deshi looked offended. “You have been more of a parent to Hessa than I will ever be. I wish I were better, but I’m not. I would never take him away from you,” I said, realizing that may not be how Joseph felt, but I would make him see. I hoped.
He stopped sniffing and ran his hands down his shirt. He straightened up, clearly embarrassed by his behavior. “All right then. Good. Thank you.” Hessa nuzzled into Deshi’s chest. I knew it and hopefully Joseph would see it too. They belonged together. He started walking back to the carriage. I stayed where I was. What I had said was right. Deshi was a much better parent than me. How long would it take before Joseph realized that and his disappointment started to affect our already strange relationship? As if hearing my thoughts, Deshi turned around, his demeanor much calmer now.
“ You know, you’re not a bad mother,” he said. “I don’t think anyone expected you to be the kind that fussed over her child, or clapped every time they did something uninteresting like blinking.” I just stared at him. He was saying I was cold. “You don’t realize that this mother thing, well, you’ve been doing it this whole time. You care for your son; you feed him, change him, and respond to him when he cries. I’ve seen you rocking him for hours. I guess, what I am saying is, you are a mother. You love your son. Stop being so hard on yourself.”
I sighed and nodded. He tipped his chin just slightly and walked back to the group. Maybe he was right. But I still felt lacking, like I had made promises I hadn’t kept. Sometimes, it was so easy to get lost. I had lost myself to my grief for Joseph. I needed to start keeping my promises. Beginning now.
Just one thing I needed to do before we left.
Matthew was sitting at the front of the carriages. Everything about the way he sat oozed sadness. It rolled off him in waves. His shoulders were hunched and he was squatting down, observing rocks in a distracted way that made me think his mind was elsewhere. I leaned down and touched his back gently. His muscles tightened. He startled but quickly composed himself, giving me a thin smile.
Matthew was different from the others. He seemed less able to let the fallen go, more likely to cling to life. I could see the rest of them kissing their necklaces and following each other off a cliff if that’s what they were told to do. Matthew was a fighter. Not like me, though. I just closed my eyes and started flailing my arms around, hoping to connect with something. Matthew was a quiet, contemplative fighter with a plan and actual technique.
“ What’s the matter, Rosa?” he said wearily.
“ I was going to ask you the same thing,” I said
He waved me off . “Oh, I’m fine. It’s just been a long day. A lot of lives lost, which happens, I mean, it happens all the time, people die but…” He seemed unsure of himself
“ What’s the matter with you, you big girl?” I said, apprehensively. My lips curled up only because I was forcing them to.
He snorted, wetly, and wiped his face with his sleeve. Hessa reached up and touched his tear-stained face, which only made him go another round of bawling.
“ Don’t take him away from me, please,” Deshi begged, shaking a little.
Confusion messed up my thoughts. The unfair, but very strong, urge to smack him and tell him to pull himself together was making my hands shake like they were straining at the bit like the sled dogs. My total lack of sympathy reinforced to me what a terrible mother I was.
“ Why would we do that?” I asked. I thought he was upset about Joseph and me and of course, I was wrong.
Deshi took a deep breath and narrowed his eyes, considering his speech. “Well, now that you and Joe are all happy families, and Joe keeps calling Hessa and Orry brothers… I guess I thought maybe you were going to make that official.”
I laughed. Deshi looked offended. “You have been more of a parent to Hessa than I will ever be. I wish I were better, but I’m not. I would never take him away from you,” I said, realizing that may not be how Joseph felt, but I would make him see. I hoped.
He stopped sniffing and ran his hands down his shirt. He straightened up, clearly embarrassed by his behavior. “All right then. Good. Thank you.” Hessa nuzzled into Deshi’s chest. I knew it and hopefully Joseph would see it too. They belonged together. He started walking back to the carriage. I stayed where I was. What I had said was right. Deshi was a much better parent than me. How long would it take before Joseph realized that and his disappointment started to affect our already strange relationship? As if hearing my thoughts, Deshi turned around, his demeanor much calmer now.
“ You know, you’re not a bad mother,” he said. “I don’t think anyone expected you to be the kind that fussed over her child, or clapped every time they did something uninteresting like blinking.” I just stared at him. He was saying I was cold. “You don’t realize that this mother thing, well, you’ve been doing it this whole time. You care for your son; you feed him, change him, and respond to him when he cries. I’ve seen you rocking him for hours. I guess, what I am saying is, you are a mother. You love your son. Stop being so hard on yourself.”
I sighed and nodded. He tipped his chin just slightly and walked back to the group. Maybe he was right. But I still felt lacking, like I had made promises I hadn’t kept. Sometimes, it was so easy to get lost. I had lost myself to my grief for Joseph. I needed to start keeping my promises. Beginning now.
Just one thing I needed to do before we left.
Matthew was sitting at the front of the carriages. Everything about the way he sat oozed sadness. It rolled off him in waves. His shoulders were hunched and he was squatting down, observing rocks in a distracted way that made me think his mind was elsewhere. I leaned down and touched his back gently. His muscles tightened. He startled but quickly composed himself, giving me a thin smile.
Matthew was different from the others. He seemed less able to let the fallen go, more likely to cling to life. I could see the rest of them kissing their necklaces and following each other off a cliff if that’s what they were told to do. Matthew was a fighter. Not like me, though. I just closed my eyes and started flailing my arms around, hoping to connect with something. Matthew was a quiet, contemplative fighter with a plan and actual technique.
“ What’s the matter, Rosa?” he said wearily.
“ I was going to ask you the same thing,” I said
He waved me off . “Oh, I’m fine. It’s just been a long day. A lot of lives lost, which happens, I mean, it happens all the time, people die but…” He seemed unsure of himself
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