equation and just look at Scarlet and Ian like any other two people who are engaged. They fit the bill . . . I guess. Listening to them argue today, sounding like two people in love . . . I think I might have felt a littleââ
âJealous?â Journey looked at me like she was a detective whoâd just cracked a case.
âNo, Journey! Thatâs not it. Iâm . . . I do want love. I want to get married and argue about where the wedding is going to be and what kind of music weâre going to play, but I know itâs not my turn. Not my time. Itâs Ianâs time. I just donât want to see him get hurt. Heâs such a good guy. So sweet and caring. Always there for me. And heâll be a great father. Probably will have his son reading before he can sit up,â I said jokingly, but Journey still had her sharp eyes on me. âWhat? Why are you looking at me like that?â
âWhy do you think?â
âStop it, Journey!â
âNo, you stop it, because you started it.â
âYou know what? Fine! Iâll admit it. Ian is the perfect man for me. Heâs everything I want. Heâs into everything Iâm into. He enlightens me. Heâs my rock. Iâm his rock. Itâs all there,â I listed.
âAnd heâs fine as shit,â Journey whispered, looking over her shoulder for Dame.
âHe looks all right.â
âAnd he ainât poor!â
âYes, he makes a decent living,â I said. âBut that ship has sailed. It left the dock a long, long time ago and it wonât return.â
âYou sure?â
âIâm beyond sure. Iâm committed.â
Journey started laughing and the bottle slid from Apacheâs little mouth a bit. The baby girl whined at her mother until she got the bottle readjusted correctly.
âWhy did you laugh?â I asked.
âBecause you just said that youâre committed to not being in love with someone. Thatâs insane. I think I said the same kind of thing right before I ended up sleeping with my former student. Now I have three children with him and follow him around the world. Did you see my baby on the cover of Rolling Stone last month?â
âWonderful,â I said. âGood for you. But that has nothing to do with me.â
âMaybe not. Maybe.â Journey pulled the empty bottle from Apacheâs mouth and put her over her shoulder for a burp. âHave you ever thought about how committed Ian is to nothing happening between you two?â
âHeâs marrying someone else. Obviously, heâs committed to nothing happening between us.â
âMaybe heâs just too afraid to admit it. Maybe heâs thinking thereâs no way you two could ever get together, so heâs going with the next best thing.â
âSettling?â
âI wouldnât say that heâs settling. Think about it: if he marries Scarlet, he can still have you in his life. While sheâs out in Ghana or wherever the hell sheâs going, and modeling and saving the world, heâll still be home with you. Lunch. Stopping by the office. Using his key to get into your place. Foot massages. Heâll have two wivesâone heâs sure he can have and another heâs sure he wants. You said it yourself a while agoâwhenever he wants to talk politics, and culture, art and music, his heart and soul, he comes to his equal. When he wants to have someone on his arm, someone to sweat him and beg him to stick around, he goes to his girl.â
âWell, I didnât exactly put it like that, but thatâs some deep old shit, J!â
âGirl, please. Donât go listening to me. Iâm just trying to figure this here thing out. Who knows whatâs going on in his mind. Youâre just going to have to wait and listen. Watch for the signs. If he comes to you, let him. If not, remain committed to not being in love with
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