A Game of Groans: A Sonnet of Slush and Soot by George R.R. Washington Alan Goldsher

wasn’t even as hard as I could throw.”
    “What ever, ” Sasha huffed, then stomped away. Dinky stayed put, however, and started nuzzling Stinky … and this nuzzling took place below Stinky’s belt.
    Still chuckling, Malia said, “Whoa, looks like our nation’s philosophy of incest extends to the direpanda community.”
    Sasha stopped and asked, “Like, what’s incest?” She turned around and was treated to the sight of Dinky pleasuring Stinky with his long direpanda tongue.
    “That,” Malia explained, “is incest.”
    “Ewwwwwwww,” Sasha wailed. “That’s, like, totally the grossest thing ever.”
    Malia explained, “If living creatures of any sort don’t engage in that sort of behavior—direpandas, humans, whatever—their race will cease to exist. No foreplay means no procreation, and no procreation means no life.”
    Sasha scratched her head. “I don’t understand.”
    “What don’t you understand?” Malia asked.
    “Any of it.”
    Malia scrunched up her face and asked, “Didn’t Mother have the talk with you?”
    “Maybe she did. I don’t, like, remember.”
    Pointing at the ground, Malia ordered, “Down.” Once the girls were seated comfortably in the mud, Malia said, “When two people love each other very, very much, they get certain feelings, feelings of excitement, and their private parts—the man’s is called a penis, and the woman’s is called a vagina—become sensitive to the touch … but in a good way.” The younger Barker sister then went on to explain to the older Barker sister how, by making love, Lord Headcase and Lady Gateway could create another Barker sister, should they choose to do so.
    After Malia finished her lecture, Sasha flicked some mud off her dress and declared, “Oh. My. Gods. That’s, like, totally gross.”
    Shrugging, Malia said, “You may feel differently about that in a few years.” The ground then began to rumble, and a horse emerged from the forest, a horse ridden by one Goofrey Barfonme. Noting Sasha’s adoring gaze, Malia said, “Or you may feel differently about that in a few minutes.”
    Sasha waved at Goof, then extricated herself from the gooey mud. When Goof brought his horse to a stop, she said, “You look totally awesome, Goof. Like, totally .”
    Goof gave Sasha an onion-eating grin, and agreed. “I agree.” And then, silence.
    “Do you think I look pretty, Goof?” she asked.
    “What? Oh. Yeah. Sure. You look swell.”
    Sasha giggled, batted her eyes, and said, “Like, thanks. Come down here and talk to me. I have something to tell you.” After Goof hopped off his horse, Sasha took his hand and pulled the reluctant pretender to the throne toward the riverbank. “So I heard something totally weird today.”
    “What’s that?” Goof inquired.
    “Okay, so when two people, like, totally love each other very, very much, they get, like, certain awesome feelings, awesome feelings of excitement, and their private parts become, like, totally sensitive to the touch, but in a radical way.” The elder Barker sister then went on to explain to the dumber Barfonme offspring how, by making love, she and he could create a baby Barfonme, should they choose to do so.
    After the talk was done, Goof gawked at Sasha and uttered, “That’s repulsive.”
    Sasha looked at the growing lump in Goofrey’s pink pantaloons and said, “I don’t know. It might be rad.” She took a step toward him, then kissed Goof on the cheek. He flinched, then pushed her away. The push was not hard, but Sasha’s feet got stuck in the mud, so she lost her balance and fell into the river.
    Malia, forgetting that only a handful of chapters ago it was noted that she and her sister were serious rivals, stepped right into Goof’s face and growled, “She may be an idiot, and she may be spoiled, and she may be bitchy, and she may think she’s a macaroni statue goddess, but she’s my sister, and the only person who gets to shove her into the water is me.” She