Being Jolene by Caitlin Kerry

people feeling sorry for me because I couldn’t bear a child. I was still a person and it was like when they found out about it they automatically assumed it was something I wanted. They were grieving the child that didn’t exist, forgetting about me.
    Ty took a step forward and grabbed my hand, like he did when we sat on the log by the beach. He swiped his hand through my hair, turning my head towards him. His warm and strong hand cradled my head, the back of my neck.
    “I’m sorry a decision was made for you at such a young age. That you didn’t get to decide if you wanted children or not. I’m sorry you had to physically and mentally deal with the loss of the child. I’m sorry you had to figure out a life you knew nothing about and had to adjust to it. I can’t even imagine what you went through, having to find out what was best for you. How to deal.”
    I almost wanted to cry but I wouldn’t. He was right. Having a family was the last thing on my mind when I was nineteen. It was the effects of a night out partying and a guy I couldn’t remember that resulted in me losing a child and then being told I could never have my own. It was for the best. From my own family experience, I was only bound to screw up my own kid. I had long ago decided never having a kid would be fine. It truly would be and I knew whomever I was with, it would be difficult for them to accept it. There were plenty of people in my life I could love. Family was not the same blood but the people that never shuddered in the storm that surrounded me.
    “I don’t want kids,” I flat out told Ty. He had to know because it wasn’t fair to be with a person with the illusion of more children, even if it was from adoption. And why was I telling him? I never did this. I never opened up to the men I was sharing my bed with, minus Caleb. Ty and I? We had barely shared a bed. There was drunken sex and tears half naked, but never a time where we had sex while fully aware of who we were sinking into to.
    “Okay,” Ty told me. He hadn’t let go of my hand and now his other hand moved down to wrap around my waist, pulling me closer to him. I wanted to be closer to him, this man who was rugged, smelled like chipped wood pieces and looked like he lived in flannel.
    Ty gripped my hand tighter. “Jo, why are you telling me this?”
    “What do you think your happily ever after is?” I asked instead.
    Ty’s gaze scanned my eyes, trying to figure out my motive.
    “I don’t know. I was young when Annabelle was born. I don’t even know if I had a happily ever after in mind. At that age a lot of things were falling apart. I guess I saw Brooke, my ex-wife, and I saw Annabelle and we were happy as a family. That was as far as I got and that obviously didn’t work.”
    “Do you see though? The kids, the wife, and the picket fence. That’s most people’s happy ending. Their goal. But Ty, that’s not mine. That’s not my happily ever after and I would hate to have you thinking I want that. I’m okay with never having my own child or even adopting one. I’ve had a lot of time to deal with what I lost and I can honestly say I’m okay with that aspect of my future.”
    I took a big breath and continued on, “In a lot of ways, I’m not okay. I can admit that. I hide away from my true self but when it comes to kids and a family? Well, my definition of family is different. My idea of happiness is different and not everyone agrees with me. Actually, most disagree with me and this is why I never talk to people about it. There are only a few people who know what happened. Do you see? Society’s pressure to procreate is insane and I don’t need people judging me.”
    Both of his hands were now firmly on my waist and there was only a breath of space between us. I put my hand on his chest, playing with the small plastic button on his shirt, avoiding his eyes because unloading all of that was stressful and emotional. I had my fill today. I was on emotion overload.