handful of sand for authenticity.
“Foot wedge” —novices are allowed “free kicks” in golf.
“Bisque” —an agreed-to extra shot.
“Bisquick” —rapid extra unagreed-upon shot taken before others notice.
“Mashie” —5-iron. (Also, stepping on opponent’s ball, making it almost impossible to hit.)
“Baffing spoon” —9-iron.
“Mashie niblick” —7-iron.
“Smashie da-stick” —breaking club over knee.
“Bashie dose-pricks” —group behind you hits a ball into your group, you tee it up and bash it back at them.
“Crashie” —your ball hits waiter carrying full tray in patio dining area.
“Gashie” —your ball hits another player in forehead.
“Flashie” —your ball hits a series of objects with one shot (e.g., cart-tree-partner).
“Gnashie” —club member’s teeth grinding when he realizes he could be thrown out for inviting you.
“Rashie” —woman who relieves herself in woods and uses poison sumac to tidy up.
“Splashie” —ball hit into club swimming pool, soup, or beverage.
“Relief” —rules helping golfers out of sticky situations, or what we get in bushes.
“Nearest point of relief” is where you drop your ball or your pants.
“Break” —contour of the green or what car windows do when we play.
“A day at the beach” —taking three or more shots to get out of sand trap.
“Fade” —an intentional slice by a skilled player. Useful in implying that your shot into that condominium on the right was intentional:
“I’d been meaning to get together with those folks for some time.”
“Draw” —an intentional hook. Useful in implying that you were trying to hit it into that cupholder in the Chevy Tahoe.
“Sandy” —when a real golfer hits out of the bunker and 1-putts. Or, when we hit it from one bunker across the green into another bunker.
“Wormburner” —bad golfer’s constant companion, usually a fairway wood shot that races through, while never completely losing touch with,
the grass.
“Duck hook” —another weapon in the bad golfer’s arsenal, a plunging hook, similar to a “Snappy Tom.”
“Free drop” —the legal dropping of your ball elsewhere after it has landed in, for example, ground under repair.
“Pocket drop” —hole golfers cut in a front pants pocket from which they discreetly make illegal ball drops down their pant legs after yelling,
“Oh here’s my ball in the fairway!”
“Unplayable lie” —you saying you found your ball in the cup.
“You didn’t club me right” —an important phrase for bad golfers. Used to blame caddies for suggesting the wrong club and causing our poor shots.
“Taxiing” —picking up ball and driving it to green in cart.
9
Country Clubbed
I ’ve been invited to play golf at an exclusive private country club!
I know I’m not ready for this caliber of play or social interaction. But I accept, drawn by the thought that maybe I could
beat women. Little women. Little middle-aged women.
Diane invited me. She is a woman not much over five feet tall, and while still quite attractive and girlish-looking, is really
just a few years younger than me. Maybe I could beat her. She invited me to play golf with her, and with two other women,
one of whom was Val, who isn’t all that big either, and who had complained recently of a rotator cuff problem. So maybe I
could beat her. Unfortunately, the third woman turned out to be Rick, Diane’s husband. Apparently the third woman in our foursome
decided it might be too dangerous to play with me. She has children to think of.
Diane’s club carries an aura of distinction, formality, and history. It seems to have been founded about the time the
Mayflower
landed and our nation’s first white families waded ashore in their golf spikes. That’s the feeling you get when you drive
up the club’s long, winding, tree-lined driveway, past the sign proudly proclaiming the founding date, then past a forbidding
“Foot wedge” —novices are allowed “free kicks” in golf.
“Bisque” —an agreed-to extra shot.
“Bisquick” —rapid extra unagreed-upon shot taken before others notice.
“Mashie” —5-iron. (Also, stepping on opponent’s ball, making it almost impossible to hit.)
“Baffing spoon” —9-iron.
“Mashie niblick” —7-iron.
“Smashie da-stick” —breaking club over knee.
“Bashie dose-pricks” —group behind you hits a ball into your group, you tee it up and bash it back at them.
“Crashie” —your ball hits waiter carrying full tray in patio dining area.
“Gashie” —your ball hits another player in forehead.
“Flashie” —your ball hits a series of objects with one shot (e.g., cart-tree-partner).
“Gnashie” —club member’s teeth grinding when he realizes he could be thrown out for inviting you.
“Rashie” —woman who relieves herself in woods and uses poison sumac to tidy up.
“Splashie” —ball hit into club swimming pool, soup, or beverage.
“Relief” —rules helping golfers out of sticky situations, or what we get in bushes.
“Nearest point of relief” is where you drop your ball or your pants.
“Break” —contour of the green or what car windows do when we play.
“A day at the beach” —taking three or more shots to get out of sand trap.
“Fade” —an intentional slice by a skilled player. Useful in implying that your shot into that condominium on the right was intentional:
“I’d been meaning to get together with those folks for some time.”
“Draw” —an intentional hook. Useful in implying that you were trying to hit it into that cupholder in the Chevy Tahoe.
“Sandy” —when a real golfer hits out of the bunker and 1-putts. Or, when we hit it from one bunker across the green into another bunker.
“Wormburner” —bad golfer’s constant companion, usually a fairway wood shot that races through, while never completely losing touch with,
the grass.
“Duck hook” —another weapon in the bad golfer’s arsenal, a plunging hook, similar to a “Snappy Tom.”
“Free drop” —the legal dropping of your ball elsewhere after it has landed in, for example, ground under repair.
“Pocket drop” —hole golfers cut in a front pants pocket from which they discreetly make illegal ball drops down their pant legs after yelling,
“Oh here’s my ball in the fairway!”
“Unplayable lie” —you saying you found your ball in the cup.
“You didn’t club me right” —an important phrase for bad golfers. Used to blame caddies for suggesting the wrong club and causing our poor shots.
“Taxiing” —picking up ball and driving it to green in cart.
9
Country Clubbed
I ’ve been invited to play golf at an exclusive private country club!
I know I’m not ready for this caliber of play or social interaction. But I accept, drawn by the thought that maybe I could
beat women. Little women. Little middle-aged women.
Diane invited me. She is a woman not much over five feet tall, and while still quite attractive and girlish-looking, is really
just a few years younger than me. Maybe I could beat her. She invited me to play golf with her, and with two other women,
one of whom was Val, who isn’t all that big either, and who had complained recently of a rotator cuff problem. So maybe I
could beat her. Unfortunately, the third woman turned out to be Rick, Diane’s husband. Apparently the third woman in our foursome
decided it might be too dangerous to play with me. She has children to think of.
Diane’s club carries an aura of distinction, formality, and history. It seems to have been founded about the time the
Mayflower
landed and our nation’s first white families waded ashore in their golf spikes. That’s the feeling you get when you drive
up the club’s long, winding, tree-lined driveway, past the sign proudly proclaiming the founding date, then past a forbidding
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