kill him. I really hate that guy. He never pays his tab. He
just waves his magic staff and turns someone into a bullfrog instead of paying up." Then he
muttered, "Jerk."
I yelled, "More beer!" and was significantly ignored.
"Can I speak to your bird?" Cu said.
"Sure," Nemain said, pushing himself to his feet. "Just let me go get him."
When Nemain was gone, Crista said, "You really think he has a talking bird?"
"Why not?" Cu said. "He talks," he added, pointing at me.
At this point, I was hoisting my glass and singing an Irish drinking song. The wench and
a few of her friends had joined in and had even given me a free pint. I couldn't have been
happier.
Nemain returned as I went into the third verse. He held a blanket-covered bird cage in
his hand. When he lifted the blanket, a bird that could have been or could not have been a parrot
immediately joined in on my drinking song. I was surprised that he knew all the words.
"Shut up!" Nemain shouted at the bird.
"Whatcho want, Nemain?" the bird squawked.
"Details," Cu said to the bird.
"You ugly!" the bird squawked.
"About Amergin," Cu said.
"He ugly, too!"
Cu rolled his eyes. "Where did Amergin go?"
"Ugly black mountain!" the bird squawked. "He always go there!"
"You're sure?" Cu said.
"Sure as you ugly!" the bird squawked.
"That's pretty sure," Nemain said with a grin and a nod.
Cu ignored him, then took off his bright green top hat and whacked me over the head
with it.
I fell down, and woke slung over the back of my pony, my head and feet dragging in the
dirt. My nose was filled with dust and I blew out a muddy snot cloud when I came to. Through
the dust cloud, I could see Cu and Crista engaged, not in sex thankfully, but in conversation. I
stuck my fingers into my nose to dislodge more dirt, then hollered, "Somebody get me off this
pony!"
The pony came to a halt and dislodged me easily enough. He kicked up his back legs
and I flew over his head, landing on my face a few feet ahead of him. I slowly got up and
brushed myself off. I faced my guide and Crista, who were both smiling. Crista was trying to
hide her smile behind her hand, and she was obviously trying even harder not to laugh. She lost
that battle and burst out laughing.
"Funny," I said. "Why'd you put me on the pony like that?"
"We couldn't very well wait until you'd sobered up," Cu said, still grinning. "Three pints
of beer in five minutes. Hell, that woulda put me under!"
"I think I had more than three," I said, swallowing something disgusting that suddenly
came up from my stomach. "Anybody mind if I go vomit?" Nobody minded so I walked off into
the woods and did just that. I examined said woods as I returned. "Where are we?"
"The woods," Cu said.
"Oh," I said, looking around as if I hadn't already noticed that. "Are we going to Black
Mountain?"
"Yep," Cu said. "Can you walk?"
I nodded a headachy head. "Hey, I didn't fuck the wench, did I?"
"No," Crista said with a smile. "We managed to keep you away from the water."
"Maybe next time," I said. The two of them began walking. Crista led my pony and I
trudged along behind them.
Crista was telling Cu all about her life, how she hated her job at the bank, how she hated
the place where she'd been living, how she was looking for a hero to take her away from it all,
and how she really hated the kid she babysat. "He's the worst!"
"Babysitting sucks," Cu said.
"You babysat?"
"Naw. I saw Adventures in Babysitting once."
"So what really lies ahead of us?" Crista said. "All I really got to see of this world was
Orgyville back there. I mean, I like Sodom and Gomorrah. Who doesn't? But that? That was out
of this world!"
"It was very much in this world," Cu corrected.
Crista rolled her eyes.
"Well, Amergin is a very powerful magician," Cu said. "He banished my people to this
place..."
I'd already heard this story so I drowned it out. Instead, I went and got my sword that
was still really just a dagger and took to practicing with it again. I
just waves his magic staff and turns someone into a bullfrog instead of paying up." Then he
muttered, "Jerk."
I yelled, "More beer!" and was significantly ignored.
"Can I speak to your bird?" Cu said.
"Sure," Nemain said, pushing himself to his feet. "Just let me go get him."
When Nemain was gone, Crista said, "You really think he has a talking bird?"
"Why not?" Cu said. "He talks," he added, pointing at me.
At this point, I was hoisting my glass and singing an Irish drinking song. The wench and
a few of her friends had joined in and had even given me a free pint. I couldn't have been
happier.
Nemain returned as I went into the third verse. He held a blanket-covered bird cage in
his hand. When he lifted the blanket, a bird that could have been or could not have been a parrot
immediately joined in on my drinking song. I was surprised that he knew all the words.
"Shut up!" Nemain shouted at the bird.
"Whatcho want, Nemain?" the bird squawked.
"Details," Cu said to the bird.
"You ugly!" the bird squawked.
"About Amergin," Cu said.
"He ugly, too!"
Cu rolled his eyes. "Where did Amergin go?"
"Ugly black mountain!" the bird squawked. "He always go there!"
"You're sure?" Cu said.
"Sure as you ugly!" the bird squawked.
"That's pretty sure," Nemain said with a grin and a nod.
Cu ignored him, then took off his bright green top hat and whacked me over the head
with it.
I fell down, and woke slung over the back of my pony, my head and feet dragging in the
dirt. My nose was filled with dust and I blew out a muddy snot cloud when I came to. Through
the dust cloud, I could see Cu and Crista engaged, not in sex thankfully, but in conversation. I
stuck my fingers into my nose to dislodge more dirt, then hollered, "Somebody get me off this
pony!"
The pony came to a halt and dislodged me easily enough. He kicked up his back legs
and I flew over his head, landing on my face a few feet ahead of him. I slowly got up and
brushed myself off. I faced my guide and Crista, who were both smiling. Crista was trying to
hide her smile behind her hand, and she was obviously trying even harder not to laugh. She lost
that battle and burst out laughing.
"Funny," I said. "Why'd you put me on the pony like that?"
"We couldn't very well wait until you'd sobered up," Cu said, still grinning. "Three pints
of beer in five minutes. Hell, that woulda put me under!"
"I think I had more than three," I said, swallowing something disgusting that suddenly
came up from my stomach. "Anybody mind if I go vomit?" Nobody minded so I walked off into
the woods and did just that. I examined said woods as I returned. "Where are we?"
"The woods," Cu said.
"Oh," I said, looking around as if I hadn't already noticed that. "Are we going to Black
Mountain?"
"Yep," Cu said. "Can you walk?"
I nodded a headachy head. "Hey, I didn't fuck the wench, did I?"
"No," Crista said with a smile. "We managed to keep you away from the water."
"Maybe next time," I said. The two of them began walking. Crista led my pony and I
trudged along behind them.
Crista was telling Cu all about her life, how she hated her job at the bank, how she hated
the place where she'd been living, how she was looking for a hero to take her away from it all,
and how she really hated the kid she babysat. "He's the worst!"
"Babysitting sucks," Cu said.
"You babysat?"
"Naw. I saw Adventures in Babysitting once."
"So what really lies ahead of us?" Crista said. "All I really got to see of this world was
Orgyville back there. I mean, I like Sodom and Gomorrah. Who doesn't? But that? That was out
of this world!"
"It was very much in this world," Cu corrected.
Crista rolled her eyes.
"Well, Amergin is a very powerful magician," Cu said. "He banished my people to this
place..."
I'd already heard this story so I drowned it out. Instead, I went and got my sword that
was still really just a dagger and took to practicing with it again. I
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