Here's the Situation by Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino

to upset anybody or spoil their lunch experience. We sat down where we were directed to sit down and your waiter took our drink order like everything was fine. If you want us to move, we’ll move. It’s not a big deal.”
    â€œUnfortunately, at this stage it’s not going to be that simple,” said the manager. “One of our angry patrons has already called the police.”
    â€œThe police? What would be the charge, exactly, once they arrive? Unlawful sitting? To tell you the truth, I’m looking forward to their arrival because I’m fascinated by what they’re going to say to The Situation and The Unit about this particular situation.”
    â€œI apologize for the confusion,” said the manager. “May we accommodate you with a table at the back of the restaurant? With or without law enforcement on their way, there’s already quite a scene developing with people blocking the entrance to stare or take photographs and video.”
    So the manager moved me, The Unit, and the rest of our group to a secluded table in the back of the restaurant. Before long, the police arrived and paid us a visit during our appetizers. They shook our hands and we took some pictures together. No reports were filed.
    Leaving the restaurant, we realized I was running late for my next event. We hustled to the car and my buddy, who was driving, tore out of the parking lot way too fast. That prompted another police officer to pull us over. Two run-ins with the police in one afternoon! Now that’s a situation.
    The police officer said, “Is there a reason why you’re exiting this parking lot at such a high rate of speed?”
    â€œI’m sorry, officer,” said The Unit. “We’re running late for an event tonight with the mayor of New York City and we’ve got The Situation in the car.”
    â€œYou’ve got The Situation in the car?” The officer leaned in to confirm.
    â€œHello, Situation.”
    â€œHello, officer.”
    We shook hands. And, I can’t be certain, but I swear to this day that I saw a tear streak just below the rim of his mirrored sunglasses. He quickly turned away.
    â€œOkay, you boys are free to go. Creep well tonight, Situation. Do it for New Jersey.”

FINAL THOUGHTS
    D ear readers, thank you for spending some time with The Sitch. In this unabridged and definitive guide to the GTL lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I have emptied out the entire contents of my brain. Wait, let me double-check . . .
    Yes, I have.
    And I did it for you. You are the reason The Sitch keeps kicking it hard-core, 24/7. Every morning when I wake up, I go straight to work to make this a grenade-free world for the freshest of the fresh. Right to work, that is, after I kick out whatever chicks are still lingering from the night before. And after I have my protein shake and hit the gym, of course. And get some color, if needed. Quick stop at the barbershop for a touch-up on my tight fade. Thread the eyebrows. Then it’s across town to pick up my dry cleaning—but you get the general idea.
    You are the wind beneath my abs.
    As a special gift, I leave you with this exclusive pattern to sew your own Sitch ab-pillow. Something to gently fondle while you watch me Thursday nights at 10 p.m. on MTV, or just to lay your head upon at night as you dream your Jersey dreams.
    The first step is arguably the most difficult: Select a fabric that closely mimics my radiant skin tone. (Tip: Bring home swatches from the store and hold them beside the television whenever I’m on screen. For best results, use HD technology.)

    Cut the fabric as shown in a rounded fashion, allowing a half-inch seam around the circumference.

    Lay one pseudo-ab atop the other. Pin them together, leaving space for an opening.

    Sew around the ab-pillow, leaving that half-inch seam allowance and stopping short of the opening. Turn the pillow right side out and iron it flat.
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