finally I died and came back as a vampire. I don’t mind being immortal, but I don’t like having to fight my impulses all the time. Yesterday I had sex with a musician, you know how irresistible they are. I always wind up with musicians because they stay up all night, and I find them in clubs. Well, he was an electric guitarist in a heavy metal band. A real hot one. The sex was so incredible that I lost control and sank my fangs into his neck and just sucked him dry. It was too late to save him so I had to dispose of the body in a Dumpster. They found it the next day. You probably read about it on the news. I had to disguise it as a drug overdose so I left heroin and a needle on him before I dumped him. I am so, so sorry for what I did, but like I said, I’m weak. I might have to go into rehab.”
“ Is there rehab for vampires?” I whispered to Sheldon.
“ Yes, I’ve been through it. I’ll tell you about it later.”
At that point it was break time, and all the vampires got up and milled around a table with foam cups and one of those big carafes with push-button pumps that usually dispense coffee. The substance coming out of this carafe was definitely not coffee.
“ What is that stuff?” I asked Sheldon, who hadn’t made a move to get any for himself.
“ It’s blood, but the lowest-quality stale stuff that’s been in a freezer for probably months. They get it from a butcher so it’s from long-dead animals. Totally disgusting. I’d rather sit under a sunlamp than drink it.”
“ Sounds like the coffee they serve at AA meetings,” I laughed. I’d been to Al-Anon a few times when I was involved with a guy who drank too much and I knew about the whole twelve-step thing.
I didn’t talk to anyone during the break, but they were certainly animatedly talking to each other. I noticed the vampires were a motley bunch—all ages, races and sizes. All socioeconomic groups as well. Some wore Walmart, others Sears and others Versace. Just like at a real New York AA meeting. They weren’t any better looking than the general public, though, despite the myth that you got better looking after changing into a vampire.
After the break we sat down again and the leader got up and said, “This is a step meeting. Has anyone been working the ninth step this week? Has anyone made amends to people you have hurt?”
Sheldon got up and said, “My name is Sheldon and I’m a bloodaholic. I hurt the woman I love. “He gave me a sidelong glance. “ By getting her hopes up about having a relationship and then letting her down by not calling her. She had to track me down. I’m not afraid of hurting her physically. I’ve been a vampire for a very long time and I can resist human blood. OK, occasionally I lose it and raid a blood bank, like I did recently, but I don’t kill anyone. I’m used to hunting small animals like rats and mice in the winter—and the occasional suburban raccoon.” He turned towards me. “No, Rhoda, I don’t kill dogs or cats. In the summer I kill a few squirrels in the country. And deer, I love to hunt deer. There are too many deer anyway. I haven’t hurt a human for a very long time, though I used to. I keep my impulses under control by coming to meetings. But a relationship, that’s scary. I’m afraid of being hurt.”
Sheldon sat down. I felt both happy and scared. I realized that this was a commitment I was making to a very dangerous way of life. I might be stalked by animal rights activists. PETA could send bomb threats. Or worse. Could I keep it up, I wondered. Could I love a vampire and not turn into one? Did I want to turn into one? It was very confusing to a nice Jewish girl who once upon a time just wanted to marry a doctor and live in Scarsdale. I might be marrying a Jewish vampire who sleeps in a coffin in Crown Heights instead.
I was distracted by another vampire, this time an elderly lady who looked like my mother. “My name is Zelda and I’m a bloodaholic. Although I never
“ Is there rehab for vampires?” I whispered to Sheldon.
“ Yes, I’ve been through it. I’ll tell you about it later.”
At that point it was break time, and all the vampires got up and milled around a table with foam cups and one of those big carafes with push-button pumps that usually dispense coffee. The substance coming out of this carafe was definitely not coffee.
“ What is that stuff?” I asked Sheldon, who hadn’t made a move to get any for himself.
“ It’s blood, but the lowest-quality stale stuff that’s been in a freezer for probably months. They get it from a butcher so it’s from long-dead animals. Totally disgusting. I’d rather sit under a sunlamp than drink it.”
“ Sounds like the coffee they serve at AA meetings,” I laughed. I’d been to Al-Anon a few times when I was involved with a guy who drank too much and I knew about the whole twelve-step thing.
I didn’t talk to anyone during the break, but they were certainly animatedly talking to each other. I noticed the vampires were a motley bunch—all ages, races and sizes. All socioeconomic groups as well. Some wore Walmart, others Sears and others Versace. Just like at a real New York AA meeting. They weren’t any better looking than the general public, though, despite the myth that you got better looking after changing into a vampire.
After the break we sat down again and the leader got up and said, “This is a step meeting. Has anyone been working the ninth step this week? Has anyone made amends to people you have hurt?”
Sheldon got up and said, “My name is Sheldon and I’m a bloodaholic. I hurt the woman I love. “He gave me a sidelong glance. “ By getting her hopes up about having a relationship and then letting her down by not calling her. She had to track me down. I’m not afraid of hurting her physically. I’ve been a vampire for a very long time and I can resist human blood. OK, occasionally I lose it and raid a blood bank, like I did recently, but I don’t kill anyone. I’m used to hunting small animals like rats and mice in the winter—and the occasional suburban raccoon.” He turned towards me. “No, Rhoda, I don’t kill dogs or cats. In the summer I kill a few squirrels in the country. And deer, I love to hunt deer. There are too many deer anyway. I haven’t hurt a human for a very long time, though I used to. I keep my impulses under control by coming to meetings. But a relationship, that’s scary. I’m afraid of being hurt.”
Sheldon sat down. I felt both happy and scared. I realized that this was a commitment I was making to a very dangerous way of life. I might be stalked by animal rights activists. PETA could send bomb threats. Or worse. Could I keep it up, I wondered. Could I love a vampire and not turn into one? Did I want to turn into one? It was very confusing to a nice Jewish girl who once upon a time just wanted to marry a doctor and live in Scarsdale. I might be marrying a Jewish vampire who sleeps in a coffin in Crown Heights instead.
I was distracted by another vampire, this time an elderly lady who looked like my mother. “My name is Zelda and I’m a bloodaholic. Although I never