on his way past, Chris
grabbed his jacket and headed out with our father, leaving me and Dexter alone.
Not knowing what else to do, I threw myself onto him,
and cried violently into his chest.
Chapter
Eleven
Chris
When Emmie uttered
the words ‘she said she’s not my mum’ my heart sank. After all this time, I
never wanted her to find out the truth. I thought it would destroy her. What I
should’ve realised however, is that my baby sister is so much stronger than any
of us give her credit for. I also should’ve known secrets always have a way of breaking down, and that it was inevitable she
would find her whole life being twisted into one giant question mark
eventually.
Now? I’m relieved she discovered the truth while I’m
still here to support her. I can get her through this. I can share stories
about our mother, I can console her when she cries and I can make damn sure my
dad steps up to the mark before I go.
That’s why I wanted to talk alone with him. I don’t
give a shit if he fails me… but if I find out he’s fucked with Emily’s head
once I’m gone I will fucking haunt him.
“This is all such a mess,” my dad said, shaking his
head as he draped his long, grey coat over the back of his chair before sitting
down in it. We’d stopped at a café nearby. It was quiet enough for us to talk, yet
public enough to stop me flooring the bastard for everything he’s put us
through.
“ Your mess.
You created it.”
“I know I did,” he replied on a whisper. In that
moment the coffees we ordered when we came in arrived, and my dad looked up at
our waitress, forcing a weak smile, before focusing his gaze on the steaming
mug. “And I will regret it for the rest of my life.”
“Why now, Dad? What’s changed? Is it just because
Emmie’s found out the truth and you feel like shit for lying to her since she
was born?”
“It’s always been there, son.” There he went again
– using that word. I let it go, not wanting to cause a scene in a public
place. “This regret, this shame. But do you know why I lied to Emily? Because I
didn’t want to deal with it. I didn’t want to have to comfort either of you
when you cried. I didn’t want to have to talk about Gemma, or keep pictures of
her, memories of her… I wanted you both to forget her.”
My God… he was fucking serious! There was no mistaking
the completely serious and even tone to his voice for anything but honesty.
“I knew if I had to keep her as part of our lives… it
would destroy me. You were a child… Emily was a baby – I didn’t have the
first clue how to raise you, and to be honest I didn’t particularly want to
learn. You both have Gemma’s red hair, her dimples… Looking at you was torture
for me. Thinking about her, remembering her… it hurt so much. I just couldn’t
do it.”
“Have you any idea what a selfish bastard that makes
you?” The words spat from my mouth like venom. Yet as much as his words
disgusted me, I couldn’t help admiring him for the first time in my life. That
level of honesty takes balls.
“I know that. I’ve always known that. Truth is, I always planned to stop the charade…but every day it
got harder. And I swear on Gemma’s grave, Christopher… I had no idea of the
tension going on between your mu…Jocelyn and Emily. Some of the things she’s
admitted saying to her this afternoon after Emily left… I don’t know how I’m
supposed to forgive her. How can a grown woman hold such hatred for a child? And how did I not notice!”
“Yeah well,” I began, my frustration softening. “I
didn’t notice either. I’ve always felt like I knew Emmie better than anyone and
yet I had no idea what a miserable childhood she’d had. I mean, sure, there’re
kids worse off… kids that have been abused or neglected and stuff like that.
But Emily’s spent her whole life blaming herself for killing our little sister. She’s grown up feeling guilty and unloved,
and everything she’s
grabbed his jacket and headed out with our father, leaving me and Dexter alone.
Not knowing what else to do, I threw myself onto him,
and cried violently into his chest.
Chapter
Eleven
Chris
When Emmie uttered
the words ‘she said she’s not my mum’ my heart sank. After all this time, I
never wanted her to find out the truth. I thought it would destroy her. What I
should’ve realised however, is that my baby sister is so much stronger than any
of us give her credit for. I also should’ve known secrets always have a way of breaking down, and that it was inevitable she
would find her whole life being twisted into one giant question mark
eventually.
Now? I’m relieved she discovered the truth while I’m
still here to support her. I can get her through this. I can share stories
about our mother, I can console her when she cries and I can make damn sure my
dad steps up to the mark before I go.
That’s why I wanted to talk alone with him. I don’t
give a shit if he fails me… but if I find out he’s fucked with Emily’s head
once I’m gone I will fucking haunt him.
“This is all such a mess,” my dad said, shaking his
head as he draped his long, grey coat over the back of his chair before sitting
down in it. We’d stopped at a café nearby. It was quiet enough for us to talk, yet
public enough to stop me flooring the bastard for everything he’s put us
through.
“ Your mess.
You created it.”
“I know I did,” he replied on a whisper. In that
moment the coffees we ordered when we came in arrived, and my dad looked up at
our waitress, forcing a weak smile, before focusing his gaze on the steaming
mug. “And I will regret it for the rest of my life.”
“Why now, Dad? What’s changed? Is it just because
Emmie’s found out the truth and you feel like shit for lying to her since she
was born?”
“It’s always been there, son.” There he went again
– using that word. I let it go, not wanting to cause a scene in a public
place. “This regret, this shame. But do you know why I lied to Emily? Because I
didn’t want to deal with it. I didn’t want to have to comfort either of you
when you cried. I didn’t want to have to talk about Gemma, or keep pictures of
her, memories of her… I wanted you both to forget her.”
My God… he was fucking serious! There was no mistaking
the completely serious and even tone to his voice for anything but honesty.
“I knew if I had to keep her as part of our lives… it
would destroy me. You were a child… Emily was a baby – I didn’t have the
first clue how to raise you, and to be honest I didn’t particularly want to
learn. You both have Gemma’s red hair, her dimples… Looking at you was torture
for me. Thinking about her, remembering her… it hurt so much. I just couldn’t
do it.”
“Have you any idea what a selfish bastard that makes
you?” The words spat from my mouth like venom. Yet as much as his words
disgusted me, I couldn’t help admiring him for the first time in my life. That
level of honesty takes balls.
“I know that. I’ve always known that. Truth is, I always planned to stop the charade…but every day it
got harder. And I swear on Gemma’s grave, Christopher… I had no idea of the
tension going on between your mu…Jocelyn and Emily. Some of the things she’s
admitted saying to her this afternoon after Emily left… I don’t know how I’m
supposed to forgive her. How can a grown woman hold such hatred for a child? And how did I not notice!”
“Yeah well,” I began, my frustration softening. “I
didn’t notice either. I’ve always felt like I knew Emmie better than anyone and
yet I had no idea what a miserable childhood she’d had. I mean, sure, there’re
kids worse off… kids that have been abused or neglected and stuff like that.
But Emily’s spent her whole life blaming herself for killing our little sister. She’s grown up feeling guilty and unloved,
and everything she’s
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