ever done with her life has been to try and earn some kind
of affection from that vicious bitch you chose to replace our mother!”
Okay, so my frustration had returned with a vengeance.
But thinking about Emmie and how shit the people who were supposed to love her
more than life itself had made her feel throughout her entire life, sent waves
of hot rage rolling through my body.
“I don’t have time for this, Dad,” I muttered on a
heavy sigh.
“Please, son. Don’t go, not yet. Let’s have another
coffee, then if you still feel the same, we’ll go back to how things were.
Apart.”
“No, I don’t mean right now. I mean I really haven’t
got time to keep hating you. There are so many things wrong with what you’ve
just told me, there are three thousand reasons why I should walk out of here
and never look back, and I genuinely don’t know how you can ever make this
right with Emmie. But… I won’t be here in twelve months time, Dad. I can’t
spend those months fighting with you – reasoning with you… struggling to
understand what you did.
“In order for me to have any hope of enjoying these
next few months of life, I can’t afford to dwell on the past. I don’t
understand the decisions you’ve made in your life, Dad, but I accept them, and…
I forgive you.”
I noticed tears bubbling up in the corners of my dad’s
eyes and I had to force myself to look away before mine started falling too. It
took all my strength not to be mad at him. Why couldn’t he have done this years
ago? Back when I really needed him.
“And they’re sure? The doctors?” he asked with a
slight tremor in his voice. Why does everyone ask that? It seems like doctors
are classed as superheroes until they tell you something bad.
“Positive. I had my first chemo session a couple of
weeks ago. I have another in two days. That should slow it down… but only by a few months and nothing’s guaranteed.”
“ Months ?” he
repeated – barely a whisper. I noticed my dad look down at his mug and I
suspected it was to hide his suddenly damp eyelashes. “Christopher…” he breathed,
refusing to look at me. “I don’t want to lose you too.”
What the hell was I supposed to say to that? ‘Oh okay
then, Dad. I’ll stay alive just for you.’ I knew my anger was unjustified and
so I swallowed it down with a sip of coffee.
“I don’t want it either,” I admitted.
“I’m so sorry, son. I’ve missed out on so much. I
don’t deserve to be a father.”
“Whoa,” I said, straightening my back in my chair.
“Don’t you start the feeling sorry for yourself bullshit. Whether you deserve
to be or not, you are a father. So if
your next line was going to be that you’d be better off leaving Emmie to get on
with her life without you, don’t you dare. Don’t you fucking dare. You’ve let us both down, Dad. It
might be too late to make it up to me but
you better spend every single day of the rest of your life making it up to
Emily.”
“I will. I swear I will.”
You know what? I believed him. When I looked into his
eyes I saw the pain lingering behind them and from the intensity of his stare,
I realised it had been there a very long time.
“Welcome back, Dad,” I said, standing from my chair
and holding my hand out for him to shake. Shaking his head lightly he ignored
my proffered hand and in a move I wasn’t expecting, he opened his arms and
threw them around me, clutching me close to his body. I stood there for a few
seconds completely stiff, not knowing how to respond. Somehow my arms started
moving of their own accord and found their way to his back.
I hugged him. Hard. I hugged my father and he hugged
me, and I was pretty sure that was the first time in my life.
“I’ve always loved you, Christopher, even if I didn’t
know how to show it until it was too late.” He pulled away from me and his eyes
were glistening with tears that he wasn’t even attempting to hold back now.
“I’ll make this right. I
of affection from that vicious bitch you chose to replace our mother!”
Okay, so my frustration had returned with a vengeance.
But thinking about Emmie and how shit the people who were supposed to love her
more than life itself had made her feel throughout her entire life, sent waves
of hot rage rolling through my body.
“I don’t have time for this, Dad,” I muttered on a
heavy sigh.
“Please, son. Don’t go, not yet. Let’s have another
coffee, then if you still feel the same, we’ll go back to how things were.
Apart.”
“No, I don’t mean right now. I mean I really haven’t
got time to keep hating you. There are so many things wrong with what you’ve
just told me, there are three thousand reasons why I should walk out of here
and never look back, and I genuinely don’t know how you can ever make this
right with Emmie. But… I won’t be here in twelve months time, Dad. I can’t
spend those months fighting with you – reasoning with you… struggling to
understand what you did.
“In order for me to have any hope of enjoying these
next few months of life, I can’t afford to dwell on the past. I don’t
understand the decisions you’ve made in your life, Dad, but I accept them, and…
I forgive you.”
I noticed tears bubbling up in the corners of my dad’s
eyes and I had to force myself to look away before mine started falling too. It
took all my strength not to be mad at him. Why couldn’t he have done this years
ago? Back when I really needed him.
“And they’re sure? The doctors?” he asked with a
slight tremor in his voice. Why does everyone ask that? It seems like doctors
are classed as superheroes until they tell you something bad.
“Positive. I had my first chemo session a couple of
weeks ago. I have another in two days. That should slow it down… but only by a few months and nothing’s guaranteed.”
“ Months ?” he
repeated – barely a whisper. I noticed my dad look down at his mug and I
suspected it was to hide his suddenly damp eyelashes. “Christopher…” he breathed,
refusing to look at me. “I don’t want to lose you too.”
What the hell was I supposed to say to that? ‘Oh okay
then, Dad. I’ll stay alive just for you.’ I knew my anger was unjustified and
so I swallowed it down with a sip of coffee.
“I don’t want it either,” I admitted.
“I’m so sorry, son. I’ve missed out on so much. I
don’t deserve to be a father.”
“Whoa,” I said, straightening my back in my chair.
“Don’t you start the feeling sorry for yourself bullshit. Whether you deserve
to be or not, you are a father. So if
your next line was going to be that you’d be better off leaving Emmie to get on
with her life without you, don’t you dare. Don’t you fucking dare. You’ve let us both down, Dad. It
might be too late to make it up to me but
you better spend every single day of the rest of your life making it up to
Emily.”
“I will. I swear I will.”
You know what? I believed him. When I looked into his
eyes I saw the pain lingering behind them and from the intensity of his stare,
I realised it had been there a very long time.
“Welcome back, Dad,” I said, standing from my chair
and holding my hand out for him to shake. Shaking his head lightly he ignored
my proffered hand and in a move I wasn’t expecting, he opened his arms and
threw them around me, clutching me close to his body. I stood there for a few
seconds completely stiff, not knowing how to respond. Somehow my arms started
moving of their own accord and found their way to his back.
I hugged him. Hard. I hugged my father and he hugged
me, and I was pretty sure that was the first time in my life.
“I’ve always loved you, Christopher, even if I didn’t
know how to show it until it was too late.” He pulled away from me and his eyes
were glistening with tears that he wasn’t even attempting to hold back now.
“I’ll make this right. I
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