guilt…
Esther tried to comfort him. “You’ve been hurt terribly, Jacob, but believe me…”
He refused to listen to her, refused to believe her. Where was she when he was a little boy, on his own, by himself? It was damned easy for her now to be the good kind mother, now that he was a grown man. Well, no matter how hard he’d tried, the hurts and memories wouldn’t die. And why should they…?
He got off the bed, went to the kitchen cupboard, took out the brandy and started to drink.
Esther stood watching. “Jacob, this is not the answer.” Gently, she tried to take the bottle from him.
Breathing heavily, he looked at her.
“Please Jacob, let me try to help you.”
“You helped me enough. Do me a favor, leave me alone.” He returned to his room and lay down, turning his face to the wall.
For the next few days Jacob neither ate nor left his bed. Whenever Esther tried to bring him food, he ignored her. Not even Shlomo could divert him. He would speak to no one.
Esther never left the restaurant. In fact, she scarcely slept at night, lying half awake and listening in fear of what Jacob might do. Her worst, most secret fear was that he might do away with himself…She had said nothing to Gittel, knowing it would only add to her problems. Hershel had lost his job and they were barely surviving. But now the burden of silence was becoming too great; she simply had to share it Leaving Shlomo with Jacob, she went to her daughter’s flat and implored her to come talk to Jacob.
When the two women returned, Gittel went to Jacob’s room. Closing the door behind her, Gittel sat on the edge of the bed and looked at him. He almost frightened her. He hadn’t shaved or washed. His hair was unkempt, his eyes were flat, haunting. She took his hand gently and, trying to keep her voice even, said, “Jacob, I wish I had known. I would have been here sooner. You know that, don’t you, Jacob?”
No answer.
“Jacob, mama told me everything. You must listen to me. I know how terribly hurt you are. To love someone as you did and not have it returned is very painful. But when you met Lotte you were so young. It was the first time a girl came into your life. Please try to understand, you knew each other a very short time. In fact, you didn’t know each other at all. Maybe if you’d been able to stay and allow your friendship to grow this wouldn’t have happened. But you left, and even one year makes a very big difference, especially in a girl’s life. Lotte grew into a woman. I think what she did was very cruel, but you mustn’t let this ruin your life. She really wasn’t for you. If it had been meant to be, this wouldn’t have happened. Please, please, don’t let this make you so bitter. You’re very young and I know you will meet someone worthwhile…”
For the first time in five days, Jacob spoke. The anger in his eyes was not for Gittel. “I will never love or trust any woman again. I will never get married…never.” His voice was a monotone but his intensity was beyond doubt.
Kissing his hand, then holding it to her cheek, Gittel said, “What you feel now is very deep hurt, but time will heal it. You mustn’t think every woman is like Lotte.”
He flinched at the sound of her name. “I’m not going to find out. You’re the only good woman I know.”
“Thank you, but mama’s a good woman too.”
She saw the muscles in his jaw tighten.
“She did the best she could for us, Jacob. You mustn’t blame her for what you feel she did when you were a little boy. You must forget, Jacob. If you try to punish her you only hurt yourself. Let the past go, Jacob. Forget that , and forget Lotte. For your own sake.”
Nothing had changed in his expression, but she prayed something of what she’d said would get through. She waited as the long silence hung between them. All that could be said had been said. It would take time for Jacob. Still, in her heart, she knew nothing lasted forever. The threats he made
Esther tried to comfort him. “You’ve been hurt terribly, Jacob, but believe me…”
He refused to listen to her, refused to believe her. Where was she when he was a little boy, on his own, by himself? It was damned easy for her now to be the good kind mother, now that he was a grown man. Well, no matter how hard he’d tried, the hurts and memories wouldn’t die. And why should they…?
He got off the bed, went to the kitchen cupboard, took out the brandy and started to drink.
Esther stood watching. “Jacob, this is not the answer.” Gently, she tried to take the bottle from him.
Breathing heavily, he looked at her.
“Please Jacob, let me try to help you.”
“You helped me enough. Do me a favor, leave me alone.” He returned to his room and lay down, turning his face to the wall.
For the next few days Jacob neither ate nor left his bed. Whenever Esther tried to bring him food, he ignored her. Not even Shlomo could divert him. He would speak to no one.
Esther never left the restaurant. In fact, she scarcely slept at night, lying half awake and listening in fear of what Jacob might do. Her worst, most secret fear was that he might do away with himself…She had said nothing to Gittel, knowing it would only add to her problems. Hershel had lost his job and they were barely surviving. But now the burden of silence was becoming too great; she simply had to share it Leaving Shlomo with Jacob, she went to her daughter’s flat and implored her to come talk to Jacob.
When the two women returned, Gittel went to Jacob’s room. Closing the door behind her, Gittel sat on the edge of the bed and looked at him. He almost frightened her. He hadn’t shaved or washed. His hair was unkempt, his eyes were flat, haunting. She took his hand gently and, trying to keep her voice even, said, “Jacob, I wish I had known. I would have been here sooner. You know that, don’t you, Jacob?”
No answer.
“Jacob, mama told me everything. You must listen to me. I know how terribly hurt you are. To love someone as you did and not have it returned is very painful. But when you met Lotte you were so young. It was the first time a girl came into your life. Please try to understand, you knew each other a very short time. In fact, you didn’t know each other at all. Maybe if you’d been able to stay and allow your friendship to grow this wouldn’t have happened. But you left, and even one year makes a very big difference, especially in a girl’s life. Lotte grew into a woman. I think what she did was very cruel, but you mustn’t let this ruin your life. She really wasn’t for you. If it had been meant to be, this wouldn’t have happened. Please, please, don’t let this make you so bitter. You’re very young and I know you will meet someone worthwhile…”
For the first time in five days, Jacob spoke. The anger in his eyes was not for Gittel. “I will never love or trust any woman again. I will never get married…never.” His voice was a monotone but his intensity was beyond doubt.
Kissing his hand, then holding it to her cheek, Gittel said, “What you feel now is very deep hurt, but time will heal it. You mustn’t think every woman is like Lotte.”
He flinched at the sound of her name. “I’m not going to find out. You’re the only good woman I know.”
“Thank you, but mama’s a good woman too.”
She saw the muscles in his jaw tighten.
“She did the best she could for us, Jacob. You mustn’t blame her for what you feel she did when you were a little boy. You must forget, Jacob. If you try to punish her you only hurt yourself. Let the past go, Jacob. Forget that , and forget Lotte. For your own sake.”
Nothing had changed in his expression, but she prayed something of what she’d said would get through. She waited as the long silence hung between them. All that could be said had been said. It would take time for Jacob. Still, in her heart, she knew nothing lasted forever. The threats he made