one after the other. Or you know, just whatever you want. My dreams say it’s okay, so…
But it sounded insane in her head so God only knew how it would sound coming out of her mouth.
Instead, she went with something slightly safer. Slightly.
“I mean, I know I’m not the most attractive woman in the world, but maybe…we should…talk…”
She tried to force out the rest— talk about what happened between Jamie and me, the other morning. And how that doesn’t necessarily mean that I don’t have feelings for…that I don’t find you…
But it just wouldn’t come. Not even in her head. Plus his eyebrows had found his hairline, now, and she had to backtrack over what she’d said to find the shocking and/or weird thing.
Oh. Right. The attractive thing. She’d actual spoken aloud about some kind of desire based concept! She’d acknowledged that they were men and she was a woman! Nothing was going to go well from here on in.
“You think…that we don’t think you’re attractive?”
He spoke very slowly. As though it was both something he had to explain to a small child and an idea he had to pull out of himself in agonizing increments. She had a brief flash of him putting a pairs of pliers into his mouth and yanking out a tooth.
“No, that’s not what I meant—I just…the other morning…”
No don’t mention the other morning ! her brain screamed. It was probably all just morning horniness, anyway! Stop, before you can’t take anything back and then have to spend eternity with two dudes who find you as alluring as a peanut and know that you totally want their hot bodies. You can’t even hide behind gayness, anymore! You just told him you weren’t!
“I find it hard not to look at you, June. Like, a lot. An uncomfortable amount. You don’t know what it’s like to get to look at a beautiful woman, again.”
She froze. Like before, like before when Jamie had kissed her. That fist clench happened, again—only this time she had something to grip and did that very thing so hard the metal melted.
“I do,” she said, but only because her mouth has switched to auto-pilot. Gushing, trembling, insane auto-pilot. “I do. It’s like looking at you.”
It came out wrong, but that was fine. Surely it was fine. He’d know what she meant, wouldn’t he? He wasn’t a beautiful woman. He was the other thing, the other thing, the thing that was not a vagina.
“We just…we didn’t want to scare you. Or ask you to change who you were or I don’t know. I don’t know. But you should always understand that we both think you’re this amazing, gorgeous, amazing, lovely, amazing…” He sucked in a rough breath. “I’m saying amazing a lot.”
He was saying other things a lot, too. She didn’t think she’d ever heard him say so much in one go. All those words, all those words from closed down Blake, and they were about her .
“I have to kiss you now,” she said and he seemed to understand. He didn’t hold it against her, at the very least.
He just stood there, and watched her drop the crowbar as though it had no meaning at all, and let her crash into him. There had to be crashing. Like before with Jamie, when she’d fought with his t-shirt and his hair and just wanted to push all of him right down inside her until there was none of him left.
It was like that with Blake, too. Insanely, it was like that with Blake, too. She had her hands in his hair and her arms around him and their triangle was suddenly…something else. A different sort of shape.
God she’d always been so terrible at geometry.
And at this other stuff. Kissing, and things. Kissing him, until her jaw ached and the realization struck that he’d kind of lifted her off the floor. Or at the very least, she’d half climbed the shelving unit behind him, in an effort to crawl up his body.
She had one sneaker on an AK-47. He tasted different to Jamie—like mint. Cool, where Jamie was warm. But still kind of afraid, like Jamie, to
But it sounded insane in her head so God only knew how it would sound coming out of her mouth.
Instead, she went with something slightly safer. Slightly.
“I mean, I know I’m not the most attractive woman in the world, but maybe…we should…talk…”
She tried to force out the rest— talk about what happened between Jamie and me, the other morning. And how that doesn’t necessarily mean that I don’t have feelings for…that I don’t find you…
But it just wouldn’t come. Not even in her head. Plus his eyebrows had found his hairline, now, and she had to backtrack over what she’d said to find the shocking and/or weird thing.
Oh. Right. The attractive thing. She’d actual spoken aloud about some kind of desire based concept! She’d acknowledged that they were men and she was a woman! Nothing was going to go well from here on in.
“You think…that we don’t think you’re attractive?”
He spoke very slowly. As though it was both something he had to explain to a small child and an idea he had to pull out of himself in agonizing increments. She had a brief flash of him putting a pairs of pliers into his mouth and yanking out a tooth.
“No, that’s not what I meant—I just…the other morning…”
No don’t mention the other morning ! her brain screamed. It was probably all just morning horniness, anyway! Stop, before you can’t take anything back and then have to spend eternity with two dudes who find you as alluring as a peanut and know that you totally want their hot bodies. You can’t even hide behind gayness, anymore! You just told him you weren’t!
“I find it hard not to look at you, June. Like, a lot. An uncomfortable amount. You don’t know what it’s like to get to look at a beautiful woman, again.”
She froze. Like before, like before when Jamie had kissed her. That fist clench happened, again—only this time she had something to grip and did that very thing so hard the metal melted.
“I do,” she said, but only because her mouth has switched to auto-pilot. Gushing, trembling, insane auto-pilot. “I do. It’s like looking at you.”
It came out wrong, but that was fine. Surely it was fine. He’d know what she meant, wouldn’t he? He wasn’t a beautiful woman. He was the other thing, the other thing, the thing that was not a vagina.
“We just…we didn’t want to scare you. Or ask you to change who you were or I don’t know. I don’t know. But you should always understand that we both think you’re this amazing, gorgeous, amazing, lovely, amazing…” He sucked in a rough breath. “I’m saying amazing a lot.”
He was saying other things a lot, too. She didn’t think she’d ever heard him say so much in one go. All those words, all those words from closed down Blake, and they were about her .
“I have to kiss you now,” she said and he seemed to understand. He didn’t hold it against her, at the very least.
He just stood there, and watched her drop the crowbar as though it had no meaning at all, and let her crash into him. There had to be crashing. Like before with Jamie, when she’d fought with his t-shirt and his hair and just wanted to push all of him right down inside her until there was none of him left.
It was like that with Blake, too. Insanely, it was like that with Blake, too. She had her hands in his hair and her arms around him and their triangle was suddenly…something else. A different sort of shape.
God she’d always been so terrible at geometry.
And at this other stuff. Kissing, and things. Kissing him, until her jaw ached and the realization struck that he’d kind of lifted her off the floor. Or at the very least, she’d half climbed the shelving unit behind him, in an effort to crawl up his body.
She had one sneaker on an AK-47. He tasted different to Jamie—like mint. Cool, where Jamie was warm. But still kind of afraid, like Jamie, to
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