totem poleâtoo old for that âAssociateââand that the same weariness, coming from her, feels sometimes like bitterness.
She works at keeping that bitterness at bay. She never wanted this particular turn in her career, so she canât begrudge not having climbed higher. It would be dishonest. Sheâs still planning, still plotting, still keeping her options open, though to what end sheâs not entirely sure, not yet anyway. She has options but she also has insurance, and the occasional Balenciaga bag.
âThis is good, but this isnât a meal.â Karen is quite expert with her chopsticks. A new restaurant, an all-dumpling menu, and sheâs not wrong: The food is fine but unsatisfying.
Lauren knows itâs small of her but she doesnât like going to a restaurant alone. She supposes this is a measure of her failure as a human being, a certain kind of human being, an evolved human being. How can you claim comfort with yourself if you canât sit and read The New Yorker while dunking something into a tiny plastic cup of inky soy sauce? You canât. Maybe she canât. But donât we all have those memories of hesitating, plastic tray in hands, while scanning the cafeteria for a friendly face, and arenât friendly faces hard to come by when youâre eleven? Sheâs always needed a friend. At eleven, at the new school, she was panicked. Who wouldnât be? The teachers didnât make her stand up in frontof the class and say something about herself, nothing like that, teachers donât actually do that, do they? But eleven is old enough to understand a lot more than some might think, and Lauren understood, eyeing the queue of taxis and town cars that morning, that things were going to be different.
Her mother had held her hand, then it was her mother who let go of it, her mother who understood she needed to not risk coloring her classmatesâ perceptions of her daughter. There were other parents in evidence, fathers and mothers who similarly sensed that they should play it cool for the good of their childâs social capital. But there were unattended children as well: Theyâd gone to this school for six years together, this was not a first day, merely a return. Lauren took her place among them: They lined up, as theyâd been taught to for half their lives, and disappeared inside the schoolâs actually-ivied walls and Lauren said nothing, not even to the chubby girl who pointed out they had the same model backpack. She would need to make friends, but she would need to be discriminating. She saw the desperation on that girlâs face and was not going to let it pull her into its orbit.
It is not clear to either Lauren or Sarah why they spoke. They canât recall who approached whom. But they met, almost right away; on that, thereâs consensus. Sarah nice enough, but still as fierce as her compatriots; no one is more fierce than an eleven-year-old girl. Even Lauren, eager, nervous, was defendedâher need guarded, and because it was hidden, it was vanquished by lunchtime. They were friends by noon. That first moment, conversation, exchange lost to time, but twenty-one years later here they are still.
Sarah introduced herâintroduced her! Explained who was who and everything, though certainly there couldnât have beenhands shaken?âto the other girls she deemed worth knowing. At her old school, Lauren had known the other kids her whole life. You learned who people were quickly, learned them alphabetically. Three weeks later, she was going to Sarahâs house after school. By fall break, she was with her at their house in Connecticutâa whole other house, meant only for the weekends and days off, something sheâd never considered. Her mother had made her send a thank-you card, and sheâd been mortified when she went back to Sarahâs house and the thank-you card in question was pinned to the corkboard by
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