The 1-2-3 Magic Workbook for Christian Parents: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 by Thomas W. Phelan, Chris Webb
Authors: Thomas W. Phelan, Chris Webb
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lungs and kick around ferociously. Older kids, whose
language skills are more developed, may come up with arguments that
accuse you of being unjust, illogical or simply a bad parent in general.
When frustrated, older kids may also swear or angrily complain.
Some children’s fits of temper go on for very long periods. Many
ADHD and bipolar children, for example, have been known to rant and
rave for more than an hour at a time. In the process they may damage
property or trash their rooms. Tantrums are often prolonged (1) if the child
has an audience, (2) if the adults involved continue talking, arguing or
pleading with the youngster or (3) if the adults don’t know what to do.
Temper fits in two-year-olds can be aggravating, but they can also
be funny. My wife took a picture of our son when he was an energetic
toddler having a temper tantrum right in the middle of the ashes in the
fireplace at my parents’ home (the fire was not going, of course). We all
can still laugh at that scene.
As kids get older and more powerful, however, tantrums get more
worrisome and just plain scarier. That’s why we like to see them well
controlled or eliminated by the time a child is five or six.
3. Threat
Frustrated kids will often threaten their parents with dire predictions
if the adults don’t come across with the desired goods. Here are a few
examples:
“I’m going to run away from home!”
“I’ll never speak to you again!”
“I’m going to kill myself!”
“I’m not eating dinner and I won’t do my homework!!”
“I’m going to kill the parakeet!”
The message is clear: Something bad is going to happen unless
you give me what I want immediately. Give me the Twinkie right before
dinner, stop counting me, don’t make me go to bed, OR ELSE! Some of
the threats that younger children come up with are funny. One little girl,
whose mother was trying to get her to go to bed, angrily shouted, “All
right, I’ll go. But I’m going to lie there all night with my eyes open!”
TESTING AND MANIPULATION 77
Another six-year-old boy was reprimanded and timed out by his
father for squirting the dog with a hose. The boy threatened to run away,
actually packed a small bag and walked out the front door. After five
minutes, however, he walked back in the door and yelled at his dad,“I
couldn’t run away because you guys won’t let me cross the street!”
Other threats are not funny. Some frustrated children threaten to kill
themselves, and this is something no parent takes lightly. Parents wonder if
this is just manipulative or if their child real y wants to die. Two questions
can help parents sort out this dilemma. First of al , is this child general y
happy? Does she enjoy life most of the time, have friends, do OK in school
and fit into the family? If the answers to these questions are positive, it is
less likely that the child wants to end her life. Second, did the suicidal threat
come out of the blue or was the comment a response to some obvious, recent
frustration? If “I’m going to kil myself” comes out of nowhere, the threat is
always more worrisome and needs to be looked into.
4. Martyrdom
Martyrlike testing tactics are a perennial favorite of children. When using
martyrdom the child may indicate that his life has become totally unfair
and an incredible burden. “No one around here loves me anymore,” “I
never get anything” or “You like her more than me” are examples.
Or the youngster may actually do something that has a self-punitive,
self-denying flavor, such as not eating dinner, sitting in the closet for
an hour or staring out the window without talking. Crying, pouting and
simply looking sad or teary can also be effective manipulative devices.
The goal of martyrdom, obviously, is to make the parent feel guilty,
and martyrdom can be surprisingly effective. This testing tactic is very
difficult for many adults to handle. Many moms and dads
language skills are more developed, may come up with arguments that
accuse you of being unjust, illogical or simply a bad parent in general.
When frustrated, older kids may also swear or angrily complain.
Some children’s fits of temper go on for very long periods. Many
ADHD and bipolar children, for example, have been known to rant and
rave for more than an hour at a time. In the process they may damage
property or trash their rooms. Tantrums are often prolonged (1) if the child
has an audience, (2) if the adults involved continue talking, arguing or
pleading with the youngster or (3) if the adults don’t know what to do.
Temper fits in two-year-olds can be aggravating, but they can also
be funny. My wife took a picture of our son when he was an energetic
toddler having a temper tantrum right in the middle of the ashes in the
fireplace at my parents’ home (the fire was not going, of course). We all
can still laugh at that scene.
As kids get older and more powerful, however, tantrums get more
worrisome and just plain scarier. That’s why we like to see them well
controlled or eliminated by the time a child is five or six.
3. Threat
Frustrated kids will often threaten their parents with dire predictions
if the adults don’t come across with the desired goods. Here are a few
examples:
“I’m going to run away from home!”
“I’ll never speak to you again!”
“I’m going to kill myself!”
“I’m not eating dinner and I won’t do my homework!!”
“I’m going to kill the parakeet!”
The message is clear: Something bad is going to happen unless
you give me what I want immediately. Give me the Twinkie right before
dinner, stop counting me, don’t make me go to bed, OR ELSE! Some of
the threats that younger children come up with are funny. One little girl,
whose mother was trying to get her to go to bed, angrily shouted, “All
right, I’ll go. But I’m going to lie there all night with my eyes open!”
TESTING AND MANIPULATION 77
Another six-year-old boy was reprimanded and timed out by his
father for squirting the dog with a hose. The boy threatened to run away,
actually packed a small bag and walked out the front door. After five
minutes, however, he walked back in the door and yelled at his dad,“I
couldn’t run away because you guys won’t let me cross the street!”
Other threats are not funny. Some frustrated children threaten to kill
themselves, and this is something no parent takes lightly. Parents wonder if
this is just manipulative or if their child real y wants to die. Two questions
can help parents sort out this dilemma. First of al , is this child general y
happy? Does she enjoy life most of the time, have friends, do OK in school
and fit into the family? If the answers to these questions are positive, it is
less likely that the child wants to end her life. Second, did the suicidal threat
come out of the blue or was the comment a response to some obvious, recent
frustration? If “I’m going to kil myself” comes out of nowhere, the threat is
always more worrisome and needs to be looked into.
4. Martyrdom
Martyrlike testing tactics are a perennial favorite of children. When using
martyrdom the child may indicate that his life has become totally unfair
and an incredible burden. “No one around here loves me anymore,” “I
never get anything” or “You like her more than me” are examples.
Or the youngster may actually do something that has a self-punitive,
self-denying flavor, such as not eating dinner, sitting in the closet for
an hour or staring out the window without talking. Crying, pouting and
simply looking sad or teary can also be effective manipulative devices.
The goal of martyrdom, obviously, is to make the parent feel guilty,
and martyrdom can be surprisingly effective. This testing tactic is very
difficult for many adults to handle. Many moms and dads