The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism by Olivia Fox Cabane Page B
Authors: Olivia Fox Cabane
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doesn’t come naturally. Many of my clients confide in their first session that they aren’t quite sure what warmth should feel like. In fact, I often hear new clients worry: “But what if deep down I’m actually heartless? What if I just
can’t
access warmth?” The good news is I can absolutely guarantee that you’re not heartless, and I know for sure that anyone can learn to better express warmth.
Warmth is difficult for a lot of us. This could stem from any number of reasons—upbringing, childhood, current environment, or just personality. Warmth certainly wasn’t natural for me when I entered this field. To experience warmth, I had to use every tool in the book—every single tool you’re about to discover. You’re going to get a three-step gradual transition into warmth, from the least personal to the most personal.
The first step is to get in touch with warmth directed toward life in general, and your life in particular. This falls under the general category of gratitude. Gratitude has a special advantage for those of us who sometimes find it uncomfortable to connect with others. It can give us charismatic warmth without having to connect with anyone.
Then you’ll experiment with warmth toward others—these are the realms of goodwill, altruism, compassion, and empathy.
Last, you’ll explore what seems to be, for most of us, the least comfortable kind of warmth: warmth for yourself. This is the emerging discipline of self-compassion.
Any
of these will bring you a measurable increase in charisma, so play around with all of them if you can, both those that feel natural and those that feel like a stretch.
Step One: Gratitude and Appreciation
What’s the opposite of gratitude? Resentment, neediness, and desperation—none of which is very charismatic. We all know that few things will ruin someone’s chances more than giving off an impression of desperation, whether they’re on a job interview or on a date. Gratitude is a great antidote to all of these negative feelings because it comes from thinking of things you
already have
—from material items or experiences to cherished relationships. Gratitude can be a great charisma conduit, bringing you back to the present and giving you immediate access to feelings of both confidence and warmth.
Everyone seems to be preaching gratitude these days. Oprah champions an “attitude of gratitude,” and studies have come out showing that gratitude helps you live longer, healthier, and even happier. 4 The science is compelling, as are the ways in which gratitudecan boost your charisma. If you can access gratitude, an instant change will sweep through your body language from head to toe: your face will soften, your whole body will relax. Your body language will emanate both warmth and a particular grounded confidence that people will find very appealing.
But few of us can simply decide to get into a state of gratitude. In fact, for most people, gratitude doesn’t come easy. Human beings are instinctively wired for
hedonic adaptation
: the tendency to take our blessings for granted. 5 Telling yourself that you should be grateful is often counterproductive, as it only brings up guilt. Clients complain that when someone tells them “You should be grateful,” it only makes them feel worse: either resentful or guilty for not being grateful.
One way to invoke a sense of gratitude is to focus on little things that are physically present. During a recent lunch meeting at a restaurant, for instance, I focused on little delights: the sun streaming through the window; blue skies; that the waiter got my order right; or the existence, availability, and wonders of ketchup.
Another good gratitude-enhancing tool is to view your life through a third-person lens, writing a narrative about yourself cast in a positive light.
For instance, Mary, whom we met earlier, wrote: “Mary has a pretty great life, really. She has a steady source of income. When so many others endure
can’t
access warmth?” The good news is I can absolutely guarantee that you’re not heartless, and I know for sure that anyone can learn to better express warmth.
Warmth is difficult for a lot of us. This could stem from any number of reasons—upbringing, childhood, current environment, or just personality. Warmth certainly wasn’t natural for me when I entered this field. To experience warmth, I had to use every tool in the book—every single tool you’re about to discover. You’re going to get a three-step gradual transition into warmth, from the least personal to the most personal.
The first step is to get in touch with warmth directed toward life in general, and your life in particular. This falls under the general category of gratitude. Gratitude has a special advantage for those of us who sometimes find it uncomfortable to connect with others. It can give us charismatic warmth without having to connect with anyone.
Then you’ll experiment with warmth toward others—these are the realms of goodwill, altruism, compassion, and empathy.
Last, you’ll explore what seems to be, for most of us, the least comfortable kind of warmth: warmth for yourself. This is the emerging discipline of self-compassion.
Any
of these will bring you a measurable increase in charisma, so play around with all of them if you can, both those that feel natural and those that feel like a stretch.
Step One: Gratitude and Appreciation
What’s the opposite of gratitude? Resentment, neediness, and desperation—none of which is very charismatic. We all know that few things will ruin someone’s chances more than giving off an impression of desperation, whether they’re on a job interview or on a date. Gratitude is a great antidote to all of these negative feelings because it comes from thinking of things you
already have
—from material items or experiences to cherished relationships. Gratitude can be a great charisma conduit, bringing you back to the present and giving you immediate access to feelings of both confidence and warmth.
Everyone seems to be preaching gratitude these days. Oprah champions an “attitude of gratitude,” and studies have come out showing that gratitude helps you live longer, healthier, and even happier. 4 The science is compelling, as are the ways in which gratitudecan boost your charisma. If you can access gratitude, an instant change will sweep through your body language from head to toe: your face will soften, your whole body will relax. Your body language will emanate both warmth and a particular grounded confidence that people will find very appealing.
But few of us can simply decide to get into a state of gratitude. In fact, for most people, gratitude doesn’t come easy. Human beings are instinctively wired for
hedonic adaptation
: the tendency to take our blessings for granted. 5 Telling yourself that you should be grateful is often counterproductive, as it only brings up guilt. Clients complain that when someone tells them “You should be grateful,” it only makes them feel worse: either resentful or guilty for not being grateful.
One way to invoke a sense of gratitude is to focus on little things that are physically present. During a recent lunch meeting at a restaurant, for instance, I focused on little delights: the sun streaming through the window; blue skies; that the waiter got my order right; or the existence, availability, and wonders of ketchup.
Another good gratitude-enhancing tool is to view your life through a third-person lens, writing a narrative about yourself cast in a positive light.
For instance, Mary, whom we met earlier, wrote: “Mary has a pretty great life, really. She has a steady source of income. When so many others endure
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