nerve.
'Thanks, I'll handle it.'
'I miss you, Izzy,' he says quickly, looking directly at the camera. 'You know that don't you? I'm so glad you're facing this head on. I'm proud of you. But I'm so sorry about what I did and I do miss you. Sega misses you.'
My throat dries up. I can see right into his greeny brown eyes through his glasses. I can picture sitting there with him not so long ago, watching a Friends marathon on that sofa as I snuggled into his chest. The way it used to be. I can't tell him I miss him too, though, even if I do a bit. I miss the old him, anyway. When I don't reply he sighs. 'I'd better get to bed,' he says. 'Got to get out early for the Sainsburys shop.'
'You're not getting it delivered?'
He lowers his eyes. He knows I found that email when I was looking for the Sainsburys account. Colin used to do a Sainsburys shop every weekend anyway, before we moved in together. He'd take a giant backpack with him for all the special offers. Being in credit control he's always been very strict with his spending. I can picture him bright and early, zipping up his waterproof jacket and unfolding the fold-up bicycle he used to store in the hallway that smelled like old shoes. Our flat was so much nicer. My insides churn.
'I love you, I'll talk to you later,' he says.
'I don't have much WIFI round here,' I reply. He chews on his cheek in contemplation but I can't look at him anymore. I say bye and swipe him away.
'Morning!' Ben calls out a moment later, just as I'm finishing my second coffee. He walks with Justin towards me and I notice their height difference instantly now that we're not all sitting down. Ben's at least a foot taller.
'Ready?' he asks. He's wearing a baseball hat that's making his hair stick out wildly around the sides. I realize I'm still riled up from my call with Colin and I haven't signed my bill.
'Yup, I'm ready, one sec,' I say, motioning to the waiter for a pen. I need to sign to let them know I've eaten, though allegedly it's free. Ben won't tell me what I owe him. I hope he's not going to insist on paying. 'How was the dive?' I ask.
'We went to the wreck, it was pretty good. Good visibility.' I notice Ben's hands again as he leans them on the table, looks at my iPad. They're big, like my dad's were. The fine hair on his arms is sandy in the morning light, like it is on his bare chest. He's wearing a blue T-shirt now though; one that shows his muscles to perfection. I think again how it's so sexy, the way he's so toned. He's so different to Colin. I know I shouldn't compare them but I can't help it.
I fell for Colin because aside from being a genuinely nice guy who had his whole life sorted out, he was always such a man's man; a provider, a nurturer, the kind of guy who knew things, like how to cook and wire plugs. He never had muscles like Ben's though. Is this what scuba diving does, I wonder? Lifting all those heavy tanks, dragging boats in and out, swimming against currents? Maybe I should try it.
I catch myself. I am never going in that water.
'OK, done,' I say once I've signed the piece of paper and the waiter's wandered off with it. Justin grins as I stand up. 'I'll put my iPad in my room, wait here,' I tell them, self-conscious again.
I race off, drop my iPad back, check myself in the mirror. I'm wearing my bikini underneath my clothes, just because it seemed like the right thing to do. The French girls were wearing them last night and they weren't swimming either. I contemplate mascara - I'm a mess in Thailand. A hot and sweaty mess. I scold myself as I realign my Body Shop bath salts. I'm also an idiot.
'Let's go scoot!' Justin calls when I get back, and Ben leads us out of the restaurant and back down the path towards the bikes. I wasn't going to ride again, but it doesn't look like there's any alternative round here. I take the helmet I'm offered, climb on behind Ben. Justin has his own scooter. 'Don't get these in Sydney!' he tells me, revving the
'Thanks, I'll handle it.'
'I miss you, Izzy,' he says quickly, looking directly at the camera. 'You know that don't you? I'm so glad you're facing this head on. I'm proud of you. But I'm so sorry about what I did and I do miss you. Sega misses you.'
My throat dries up. I can see right into his greeny brown eyes through his glasses. I can picture sitting there with him not so long ago, watching a Friends marathon on that sofa as I snuggled into his chest. The way it used to be. I can't tell him I miss him too, though, even if I do a bit. I miss the old him, anyway. When I don't reply he sighs. 'I'd better get to bed,' he says. 'Got to get out early for the Sainsburys shop.'
'You're not getting it delivered?'
He lowers his eyes. He knows I found that email when I was looking for the Sainsburys account. Colin used to do a Sainsburys shop every weekend anyway, before we moved in together. He'd take a giant backpack with him for all the special offers. Being in credit control he's always been very strict with his spending. I can picture him bright and early, zipping up his waterproof jacket and unfolding the fold-up bicycle he used to store in the hallway that smelled like old shoes. Our flat was so much nicer. My insides churn.
'I love you, I'll talk to you later,' he says.
'I don't have much WIFI round here,' I reply. He chews on his cheek in contemplation but I can't look at him anymore. I say bye and swipe him away.
'Morning!' Ben calls out a moment later, just as I'm finishing my second coffee. He walks with Justin towards me and I notice their height difference instantly now that we're not all sitting down. Ben's at least a foot taller.
'Ready?' he asks. He's wearing a baseball hat that's making his hair stick out wildly around the sides. I realize I'm still riled up from my call with Colin and I haven't signed my bill.
'Yup, I'm ready, one sec,' I say, motioning to the waiter for a pen. I need to sign to let them know I've eaten, though allegedly it's free. Ben won't tell me what I owe him. I hope he's not going to insist on paying. 'How was the dive?' I ask.
'We went to the wreck, it was pretty good. Good visibility.' I notice Ben's hands again as he leans them on the table, looks at my iPad. They're big, like my dad's were. The fine hair on his arms is sandy in the morning light, like it is on his bare chest. He's wearing a blue T-shirt now though; one that shows his muscles to perfection. I think again how it's so sexy, the way he's so toned. He's so different to Colin. I know I shouldn't compare them but I can't help it.
I fell for Colin because aside from being a genuinely nice guy who had his whole life sorted out, he was always such a man's man; a provider, a nurturer, the kind of guy who knew things, like how to cook and wire plugs. He never had muscles like Ben's though. Is this what scuba diving does, I wonder? Lifting all those heavy tanks, dragging boats in and out, swimming against currents? Maybe I should try it.
I catch myself. I am never going in that water.
'OK, done,' I say once I've signed the piece of paper and the waiter's wandered off with it. Justin grins as I stand up. 'I'll put my iPad in my room, wait here,' I tell them, self-conscious again.
I race off, drop my iPad back, check myself in the mirror. I'm wearing my bikini underneath my clothes, just because it seemed like the right thing to do. The French girls were wearing them last night and they weren't swimming either. I contemplate mascara - I'm a mess in Thailand. A hot and sweaty mess. I scold myself as I realign my Body Shop bath salts. I'm also an idiot.
'Let's go scoot!' Justin calls when I get back, and Ben leads us out of the restaurant and back down the path towards the bikes. I wasn't going to ride again, but it doesn't look like there's any alternative round here. I take the helmet I'm offered, climb on behind Ben. Justin has his own scooter. 'Don't get these in Sydney!' he tells me, revving the
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