the other side of the smouldering leaf pile, I shouted out:
‘Hey, Crow!’
His spidery form, wreathed in smoke, appeared out of the bushes. He moved his ridiculous index finger to indicate that he was listening.
‘That idiot, Brandon, said something about you going back to the zoo. What did he mean?’
Crow considered briefly how he could convey his meaning with nothing but further finger gestures, but then gave up and spoke using his actual vocal cords. He sounded surprisingly like Shaggy from Scooby Doo. That was obviously the reason he communicated mainly by finger, ’cos you would, wouldn’t you, if you sounded like Shaggy.
‘Ice cream. I, like, convey it to the public. At Chimpsters Zoo. Or rather, I did …’
I was now quite excited. You know that feeling you get sometimes when you’re playing cricket, and even before the bowler has bowled, you absolutely know in an almost supernatural and quite spooky way that the batsman (or batsgirl, if you’re being forced to play with your stupid sisters on the beach) is going to hit a catch straight at you? And, armed with that knowledge, you can dive out of the way of it, because frankly only a madman (or madgirl if you’re playing with your sisters) gets in the way of a cricket ball.
‘What do you mean, you
did
?’
‘I have been dismissed from their, ah,
employ
…’
‘What for?’
‘The circumstances were a little …
compromising
…’
‘Don’t talk to him,’ hissed a voice from the bushes. ‘He’s an evil imp. An evil, fat imp.’
‘Shut up, you,’ I replied wittily. ‘Anyway, how can you get a fat imp? Imps are little. And they don’t even exist. So your insult has absolutely no logic to it. And if he doesn’t tell me, then I’m going to tell Mum and Dad that you’ve been snogging in the bushes.’
‘You do that, you filthy beast, and I’ll tell Mum all about your secret donut stash.’
‘If you do that, I’ll—’
‘Hey, chill out, you two,’ Crow said. ‘’Cos it is most seriously uncool what you’re doing right now. I’ll tell the little round dude what he wants to know. The thing is, some kid came up to me at the ice-cream stand. And, like, most kids want a 99 or a double cone with syrup and nuts and whatever, but this kid asks me if I can get hold of some stuff which is, like, the opposite of ice cream. And I said, “No way, kid,” and he sort of flicks his fringe out of his eyes and he says, “Name your price,” so I say, “A hundred quid,” thinking he’ll just get lost and I can get back to scooping. But he doesn’t bat an eyelid. He opens his wallet and peels out two twenties and a ten, and says I’ll get the second fifty on delivery.’
‘Hang on, just let me get this straight – he’s asking you for poo, right?’
‘Poo, yeah … How did you …? But that’s not the word he used.’
‘And would the animal poo he wanted by any chance be from our nearest relation?’
‘Your sister? No way. That would gross me out, dude. There’s a line in the sand …’
Turns out Crow was that interesting subspecies,
Gothus stupidus
.
‘I was thinking of the chimpanzee.’
‘Hey, yeah, that’s exactly, like,
it
.’
‘And you got the chimp poo for him?’
‘It wasn’t easy, man. I had to slip a twenty to the guy who cleans out the cage.’
‘And the kid, he came back for more?’
‘He did. And the cage-cleaning guy said he wouldn’t do it again, because, like, it was more than his job was worth as there are these laws about the things you can do with exotic animal, er, dung, and selling it to schoolkids is totally not one of those things.’
‘So, let me guess, you tried to go in and get it yourself?’
‘Yeah, that’s it. I borrowed the overalls that the, er, dung guys wear, and I followed the team in. I managed to get a bucketful. But then the supervisor sussed me, and that was it. I got the sack, no second chance, nothing. All over a bucket of chimp dung. You know, if it was lion,
‘Hey, Crow!’
His spidery form, wreathed in smoke, appeared out of the bushes. He moved his ridiculous index finger to indicate that he was listening.
‘That idiot, Brandon, said something about you going back to the zoo. What did he mean?’
Crow considered briefly how he could convey his meaning with nothing but further finger gestures, but then gave up and spoke using his actual vocal cords. He sounded surprisingly like Shaggy from Scooby Doo. That was obviously the reason he communicated mainly by finger, ’cos you would, wouldn’t you, if you sounded like Shaggy.
‘Ice cream. I, like, convey it to the public. At Chimpsters Zoo. Or rather, I did …’
I was now quite excited. You know that feeling you get sometimes when you’re playing cricket, and even before the bowler has bowled, you absolutely know in an almost supernatural and quite spooky way that the batsman (or batsgirl, if you’re being forced to play with your stupid sisters on the beach) is going to hit a catch straight at you? And, armed with that knowledge, you can dive out of the way of it, because frankly only a madman (or madgirl if you’re playing with your sisters) gets in the way of a cricket ball.
‘What do you mean, you
did
?’
‘I have been dismissed from their, ah,
employ
…’
‘What for?’
‘The circumstances were a little …
compromising
…’
‘Don’t talk to him,’ hissed a voice from the bushes. ‘He’s an evil imp. An evil, fat imp.’
‘Shut up, you,’ I replied wittily. ‘Anyway, how can you get a fat imp? Imps are little. And they don’t even exist. So your insult has absolutely no logic to it. And if he doesn’t tell me, then I’m going to tell Mum and Dad that you’ve been snogging in the bushes.’
‘You do that, you filthy beast, and I’ll tell Mum all about your secret donut stash.’
‘If you do that, I’ll—’
‘Hey, chill out, you two,’ Crow said. ‘’Cos it is most seriously uncool what you’re doing right now. I’ll tell the little round dude what he wants to know. The thing is, some kid came up to me at the ice-cream stand. And, like, most kids want a 99 or a double cone with syrup and nuts and whatever, but this kid asks me if I can get hold of some stuff which is, like, the opposite of ice cream. And I said, “No way, kid,” and he sort of flicks his fringe out of his eyes and he says, “Name your price,” so I say, “A hundred quid,” thinking he’ll just get lost and I can get back to scooping. But he doesn’t bat an eyelid. He opens his wallet and peels out two twenties and a ten, and says I’ll get the second fifty on delivery.’
‘Hang on, just let me get this straight – he’s asking you for poo, right?’
‘Poo, yeah … How did you …? But that’s not the word he used.’
‘And would the animal poo he wanted by any chance be from our nearest relation?’
‘Your sister? No way. That would gross me out, dude. There’s a line in the sand …’
Turns out Crow was that interesting subspecies,
Gothus stupidus
.
‘I was thinking of the chimpanzee.’
‘Hey, yeah, that’s exactly, like,
it
.’
‘And you got the chimp poo for him?’
‘It wasn’t easy, man. I had to slip a twenty to the guy who cleans out the cage.’
‘And the kid, he came back for more?’
‘He did. And the cage-cleaning guy said he wouldn’t do it again, because, like, it was more than his job was worth as there are these laws about the things you can do with exotic animal, er, dung, and selling it to schoolkids is totally not one of those things.’
‘So, let me guess, you tried to go in and get it yourself?’
‘Yeah, that’s it. I borrowed the overalls that the, er, dung guys wear, and I followed the team in. I managed to get a bucketful. But then the supervisor sussed me, and that was it. I got the sack, no second chance, nothing. All over a bucket of chimp dung. You know, if it was lion,