Fine. Rome wasn’t burned in a day. Or a couple of days. And when in Rome, do as you would be done by. Although I wouldn’t advise turning the other cheek. Not in Rome. Especially in those alleyways around the …’ A shudder passed through the Head.
‘Right, sir. So you’ll let him know?’
‘
Him?
Who? This Brown Phantom of yours? They seek him here, they seek him there …’
‘No, sir. Mr Whale.’
‘What? Mr Whale has been leaving dirty doo-doos around the school? Well, I’m disappointed but I cannot say that I’m surprised …’
‘No, sir. Mr Whale isn’t the Phantom. You have to tell Mr Whale to let me have a few more days so that I can find out who the Phantom really is.’
‘Ah, I see. Yes, I’ll send him a memo. Not quite sure what a memo is, but I’ll send him one. Do please send Miss Bush in as you leave. She’ll know what a memo is.’
As I left, Mr Steele reached again for the scissors and went back to work trimming his nose hairs.
DONUT COUNT:
1 I believe that Mr Steele got the idea for this from a book called
Catch 22
, rather than thinking it up for himself, which is actually quite lazy and probably counts as plagiarism.
Saturday 3 February
I SUPPOSE IT had to happen. Ella had her Goth boyfriend, so Ruby had to counter-attack by finding someone stupid enough to want to go out with her. He’s called Brandon and he wears a hoodie and his acne is so bad, even his spots have spots. Ruby only went out with him to annoy Ella, which is fair enough, I suppose. My mum and dad like him even less than Crow. Brandon is basically a Chav, but we’re not allowed to say Chav any more because it’s racist or sexist or something.
I came in today and they were in the middle of a brilliant row.
It seems that Mum had banned Brandon from wearing his hoodie in the house. He said he could wear what he wanted, so my mum banned
him
from the house as well as his hoodie. I think that’s probably for the best as there’s a good chance one of his zits would burst and break a window, or hit someone in the eye and blind them.
Anyway, while Mum was telling Brandon that he was banned from the house, Ella and Crow were sort of hiding in the corner of the room, because everyone knows that Goths are frightened of kids like Brandon, on account of Goths being so easily broken because of their skinny legs and long fingers.
Well, the Goths may have been frightened of Brandon, but
everyone’s
frightened of my mum, so Brandon decided to take it out on someone else. Crow was the obvious target.
‘What are you grinning at, you *** *****?’ he yelled. ‘You should stay in the ***** zoo where you belong.’
Then my dad came out of the toilet and literally threw Brandon out, saying stuff about never showing his face round here again, while Ruby lay on the floor and wailed. And if she’d had a harpoon and some whales, she would probably have whaled as well.
All in all, it was about the best fun I’ve had in … well, almost the best fun I’ve ever had, despite the profound depth of human misery on display. But, as I’ve always said, there’s hardly any situation in life that isn’t made slightly better by the sight of your sisters being upset.
Anyway, about ten minutes later it sort of sank in , the odd thing that Brandon had yelled at Crow. I think some deep and clever part of my brain must have been working on it in the meantime.
By this time, Ella and Crow had gone down to the bottom of the garden, past the smouldering pile of leaves that my dad kept burning for most of the year to annoy the neighbours. I think they went down there to snog and talk about which
Twilight
book was the best and where to get hold of good cheap eyeliner – that sort of Goth junk.
I didn’t want to get too close, in case they were actually snogging. That would undoubtedly have made me splash my donuts on the fire, and roast donut sick is not, I’m guessing, a smell you really want to have in your nostrils.
So, staying on
‘Right, sir. So you’ll let him know?’
‘
Him?
Who? This Brown Phantom of yours? They seek him here, they seek him there …’
‘No, sir. Mr Whale.’
‘What? Mr Whale has been leaving dirty doo-doos around the school? Well, I’m disappointed but I cannot say that I’m surprised …’
‘No, sir. Mr Whale isn’t the Phantom. You have to tell Mr Whale to let me have a few more days so that I can find out who the Phantom really is.’
‘Ah, I see. Yes, I’ll send him a memo. Not quite sure what a memo is, but I’ll send him one. Do please send Miss Bush in as you leave. She’ll know what a memo is.’
As I left, Mr Steele reached again for the scissors and went back to work trimming his nose hairs.
DONUT COUNT:
1 I believe that Mr Steele got the idea for this from a book called
Catch 22
, rather than thinking it up for himself, which is actually quite lazy and probably counts as plagiarism.
Saturday 3 February
I SUPPOSE IT had to happen. Ella had her Goth boyfriend, so Ruby had to counter-attack by finding someone stupid enough to want to go out with her. He’s called Brandon and he wears a hoodie and his acne is so bad, even his spots have spots. Ruby only went out with him to annoy Ella, which is fair enough, I suppose. My mum and dad like him even less than Crow. Brandon is basically a Chav, but we’re not allowed to say Chav any more because it’s racist or sexist or something.
I came in today and they were in the middle of a brilliant row.
It seems that Mum had banned Brandon from wearing his hoodie in the house. He said he could wear what he wanted, so my mum banned
him
from the house as well as his hoodie. I think that’s probably for the best as there’s a good chance one of his zits would burst and break a window, or hit someone in the eye and blind them.
Anyway, while Mum was telling Brandon that he was banned from the house, Ella and Crow were sort of hiding in the corner of the room, because everyone knows that Goths are frightened of kids like Brandon, on account of Goths being so easily broken because of their skinny legs and long fingers.
Well, the Goths may have been frightened of Brandon, but
everyone’s
frightened of my mum, so Brandon decided to take it out on someone else. Crow was the obvious target.
‘What are you grinning at, you *** *****?’ he yelled. ‘You should stay in the ***** zoo where you belong.’
Then my dad came out of the toilet and literally threw Brandon out, saying stuff about never showing his face round here again, while Ruby lay on the floor and wailed. And if she’d had a harpoon and some whales, she would probably have whaled as well.
All in all, it was about the best fun I’ve had in … well, almost the best fun I’ve ever had, despite the profound depth of human misery on display. But, as I’ve always said, there’s hardly any situation in life that isn’t made slightly better by the sight of your sisters being upset.
Anyway, about ten minutes later it sort of sank in , the odd thing that Brandon had yelled at Crow. I think some deep and clever part of my brain must have been working on it in the meantime.
By this time, Ella and Crow had gone down to the bottom of the garden, past the smouldering pile of leaves that my dad kept burning for most of the year to annoy the neighbours. I think they went down there to snog and talk about which
Twilight
book was the best and where to get hold of good cheap eyeliner – that sort of Goth junk.
I didn’t want to get too close, in case they were actually snogging. That would undoubtedly have made me splash my donuts on the fire, and roast donut sick is not, I’m guessing, a smell you really want to have in your nostrils.
So, staying on
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