The Whole Lesbian Sex Book by Felice Newman Page B

sexual history on a first date. Even if you ask all the right questions and get all the right answers, you can’t assume that a new acquaintance is being truthful—no matter how charming she is. She may have an STD and not know it.
    Whether you have one partner or many, if you don’t know your partners’ sexual practices, health status, and sexual history—and their partners’ practices, health status, and history—you’d do well to practice safer sex. Of course, if you don’t know your own sexual health status (because you haven’t been tested for HIV and other STDs), you need to practice safer sex to avoid transmitting an STD to your partners. And if you know you have an STD, then you need to practice safer sex.

    Be Present
    Sex is always more gratifying when you are really there. Not skin deep, not hiding, not distracted, not anesthetized, and not suffocated under a molasses-thick blanket of shame—but fully available to engage in the moment. Whether you are flying solo, enjoying a sensual tangle with several partners, or gazing soulfully into the eyes of your one true love, it’s good to be present for the experience.
    Being present is the bottom line for most spiritual practices. Meditation, ritual, and prayer are all intended to bring the consciousness to the moment. What’s
I love the feeling of connection I get from making love with my girlfriend.
    this got to do with sex? Well, many people find a powerful connection between sex and spirituality. Tantra, essentially a spiritual tradition, has become the basis for sexual techniques designed to refocus erotic energy from “slam-bam-thank-you-Ma’am” to something a bit more, well, holy.
    Others find sex to be a rare oasis of animal nature in our overscheduled, too civilized urban lives. When else do we permit ourselves to loll in bed in the middle of the workday? An afternoon of sex will go a long way toward reminding you that you have a body—and a great capacity for pleasure.
    On a more practical level, being present enables you to make meaningful choices about sex. This is what is meant by the term consent. Consent comes from your experience, your feelings. Not what you think you want (or worse, what you think you should want) but what you do want—in your gut. Or cunt. Or feet. How can you consent to sex if you don’t have a clue about what you want—or even what you’re feeling?
    Being present for sex means not shutting down and not hiding the truth of who you are and what you want (or don’t want). Being present means not bingeing, purging, or starving yourself, and not getting drunk or high to have sex.
I used alcohol as social lubricant so that I could get to the sex part. Now, though I’m not in recovery, I prefer to have sex sober, just because it increases the intensity for me.
    Being fully available—in body and spirit—means dealing with problems that rob you of your life. There’s no shortage of resources to help you become fully available for your life. Therapy, support groups, 12-step programs, and bodywork can help. (See the resources chapter for more information.)

    Life Changes
    Even in bliss, when your dreams come true, your relationship to your body can be challenged by change. Pregnancy and childbirth, that longed-for breast reduction surgery, or beginning gender transition cause upheaval in your life.
    Rachel Pepper reminds us of the importance of love and support to cushion the shock of change:
After spending so many years in the same body, it’s disconcerting to watch it change so dramatically, so quickly…. As you go through physical changes, your partner can let you know you are still attractive to her. Many pregnant women get shy about their bodies when they start morphing. Of course, some partners know there’s nothing more sexy than a pregnant woman. Those breasts! Those hips! That curvaceous belly! That growing life within! Your girlfriend can help boost your self-esteem by lavishing you with praise. 6
    Many