After all this, she was mine. We might be in a shitty hotel in Mexico, or a palace in England. It didn't matter. She was mine no matter where we were or what happened.
I gathered her in my arms the minute we hit the bed, wrapping my limbs around her, wanting to feel as much of her skin against mine as possible. She did the same until we were a pretzel of limbs tangled around one another.
"I love you."
"Bear. My love." She started shaking.
"Hey, what is it?" She began to full on cry, burrowing her head into my chest. She mumbled something. "What, baby?"
"Bear. My Bear." She kept crying, unable to form a sentence. I held her, rubbing her back and whispering that everything would be OK. It dawned on me, she killed someone. I mean, so did I, but it wasn't my first kill. Fuck, it was far from my first.
"Is it what happened in the car? What you did to the guy? It's OK. He was going to hurt you. You didn't have a choice. Baby, I know what it's like to kill someone for the first time, but what you did had to be done. I wouldn't be able to live without you."
She sobbed harder, her entire body shaking the bed. I fucked up. I said the wrong thing. Should I have not brought it up? Was that even what she was crying about? Fuck. Her happiness was all I wanted, and yet it seemed like every time we had a moment of it, shit rained down upon us.
Doubt had begun to creep in. Was I bad for her? Was José right? Should I let her go? Did she want that? Would she be better off without me? She watched me kill a man without even blinking. She finally saw the monster. Did she want nothing to do with a monster? Even if she did want me, was she better off not having a monster in her life? How could I ever be worthy of her light? I couldn't.
"Bear." She heaved my name through her tears. I looked down at her, my heart shattering at the sight of the pain filling her eyes. I would've done anything to take away her pain. What she said next, though, was the last thing I expected to come out of her mouth.
"It wasn't my first kill."
####
Acknowledgements
Many thanks to Mariana and Elena for responding when I asked, “What do you yell out in Spanish when you’re fucking?”
Thanks to Maria Isabel for letting me use her name to be the one yelling out the words Mariana and Elena gave me!
To Lisagh for the edits. I can’t imagine traversing these crazy roads of indie publishing without you. Check her out here .
To Carol, damn bitch, you fucking rock. I would have not survived the past few months without you. Check her ass out here . She will pimp your shit right. Promise.
Back to Mariana. Not only did you give me sex words in Spanish, but you also helped me with so many of the details in Mexico. The quintas , the hideouts, the freaking autopista that required a 20 minute conversation. I can’t express how much I appreciate you as a friend, and how willing you are to share your culture and your city with me. Sabinas exists in L&J’s world because of you.
To Melinda, who's ass I am NOT pimping out cuz she's mine! I have no idea what a rear fork or a sprocket is. Let's hope your husband knows what he's talking about. Thank you for being the editing queen and getting the humor that is Isabel. Her and Son were a blast to write. I'm glad she amused you. There are parts of this book only a Latina (or a white girl with a brown heart) will get the full benefit of. Lucky you're one of them!
Last, but far from least, to K. S. Adkins for writing Brutal (Detroit After Dark). I finished Melted & Shattered, and sat staring at my computer trying to write a 2.5 in J’s voice… and there was nothing. I was so overwhelmed with all the things going on in my life that I felt empty. I took a break, read Brutal in two days, and as I swiped the last page on my Kindle, J roared to life. I went right to the computer and wrote the first section of J Roars. He literally roared in my head. It was the character of Rogan, and his ability to
I gathered her in my arms the minute we hit the bed, wrapping my limbs around her, wanting to feel as much of her skin against mine as possible. She did the same until we were a pretzel of limbs tangled around one another.
"I love you."
"Bear. My love." She started shaking.
"Hey, what is it?" She began to full on cry, burrowing her head into my chest. She mumbled something. "What, baby?"
"Bear. My Bear." She kept crying, unable to form a sentence. I held her, rubbing her back and whispering that everything would be OK. It dawned on me, she killed someone. I mean, so did I, but it wasn't my first kill. Fuck, it was far from my first.
"Is it what happened in the car? What you did to the guy? It's OK. He was going to hurt you. You didn't have a choice. Baby, I know what it's like to kill someone for the first time, but what you did had to be done. I wouldn't be able to live without you."
She sobbed harder, her entire body shaking the bed. I fucked up. I said the wrong thing. Should I have not brought it up? Was that even what she was crying about? Fuck. Her happiness was all I wanted, and yet it seemed like every time we had a moment of it, shit rained down upon us.
Doubt had begun to creep in. Was I bad for her? Was José right? Should I let her go? Did she want that? Would she be better off without me? She watched me kill a man without even blinking. She finally saw the monster. Did she want nothing to do with a monster? Even if she did want me, was she better off not having a monster in her life? How could I ever be worthy of her light? I couldn't.
"Bear." She heaved my name through her tears. I looked down at her, my heart shattering at the sight of the pain filling her eyes. I would've done anything to take away her pain. What she said next, though, was the last thing I expected to come out of her mouth.
"It wasn't my first kill."
####
Acknowledgements
Many thanks to Mariana and Elena for responding when I asked, “What do you yell out in Spanish when you’re fucking?”
Thanks to Maria Isabel for letting me use her name to be the one yelling out the words Mariana and Elena gave me!
To Lisagh for the edits. I can’t imagine traversing these crazy roads of indie publishing without you. Check her out here .
To Carol, damn bitch, you fucking rock. I would have not survived the past few months without you. Check her ass out here . She will pimp your shit right. Promise.
Back to Mariana. Not only did you give me sex words in Spanish, but you also helped me with so many of the details in Mexico. The quintas , the hideouts, the freaking autopista that required a 20 minute conversation. I can’t express how much I appreciate you as a friend, and how willing you are to share your culture and your city with me. Sabinas exists in L&J’s world because of you.
To Melinda, who's ass I am NOT pimping out cuz she's mine! I have no idea what a rear fork or a sprocket is. Let's hope your husband knows what he's talking about. Thank you for being the editing queen and getting the humor that is Isabel. Her and Son were a blast to write. I'm glad she amused you. There are parts of this book only a Latina (or a white girl with a brown heart) will get the full benefit of. Lucky you're one of them!
Last, but far from least, to K. S. Adkins for writing Brutal (Detroit After Dark). I finished Melted & Shattered, and sat staring at my computer trying to write a 2.5 in J’s voice… and there was nothing. I was so overwhelmed with all the things going on in my life that I felt empty. I took a break, read Brutal in two days, and as I swiped the last page on my Kindle, J roared to life. I went right to the computer and wrote the first section of J Roars. He literally roared in my head. It was the character of Rogan, and his ability to
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