hurt and concern.
I tried my best to pull my thoughts together, but my drinking binge was getting the best of me. “I was thinking that given the crappy hand life has dealt me, ending things would be my easiest escape.” I tried my best to sound casual, but the slur was ever present.
I could see Shawn trying to suppress something building inside him. “Nicole, you’re smart enough to know that the easiest solutions aren’t always the best ones. If you kill yourself you would essentially be putting your mother through the exact same agony you are going through right now.” He took a deep steadying breath. “You need to think about the people who care about you: your parents, Zena.” His voice lowered to almost a whisper. “Me. You’re not alone, Nicole, you can’t do that to us.”
His words pushed through my wall of intoxication and made my heart squeeze. “Don’t you think I know that, Shawn? But this isn’t easy for me; I don’t want to hurt all the time. Everything constantly HURTS and I feel so alone.” My words sounded like a plea.
“How could you say that? Especially when I’d made myself completely available to you?” he asked sounding hurt. “That really is selfish of you, Nicole. How can you say that you have no one when I’ve told you over and over that I would always be here for you? Why don’t you hear me when I tell you that you’ve got me?” he asked.
With a dizzy head I sprung to my feet. I was now equal parts drunk and pissed off. My head was pounding from both. “Oh please, Shawn, would you stop? I don’t have you, okay?” I tried to walk away but Shawn was on my heels, grabbed me by the arms, and forced me to turn around.
“I’m always here for you . You just don’t want to accept it. I keep telling you that you can lean on me.”
I tried unsuccessfully to escape his grasp. “Let go and stop lying to me.” Tears streamed down my face as I spoke. “I’m tired of you and all of your lies.” I shoved at him and he staggered back a few steps.
“W here is this coming from? Have you completely lost it, Nicole? I don’t even recognize you right now.”
I remained silent, finally pried his hands off of me and stormed away.
“You know what, Nicole? You have support and you just don’t want to take it. It’s clear that you don’t want to be helped. Maybe you like this.”
His words were like a verbal slap in my face. I turned around and stalked back toward him slowly.
“Did you just say that I like this misery , Shawn? You think I like seeing babies at The Center who remind me of Jax? Constant reminders of the child I lost?” Tears showered down my face, but I was nowhere near done. “You think I like being so shaken up by it that I have to leave work? Does that sound appealing to you, Shawn?” I continued walking in his direction; my voice was eerily soft yet his eyes were squinted as if they were making his ears hurt.
He swallowe d. “If you needed someone to help you through that rough patch, then you should’ve come to me.” His words sounded sincere and soon his eyes became a little misty.
Instead of being soothed by them , I gave him a cynical look. “I did…but you were busy,” I said, with venom in my voice.
Shawn’s ey ebrows creased in confusion. I could see him thinking back to the chain of events that had taken place over the last five days. “Busy? When was I busy? I never got a missed call from you, or a text message.”
“I drove to your house after that incident at work, and I saw you with your girlfriend. So I left.”
When realization hit him, Shawn held onto the couch for support. I heard him say, “Oh fuck.” Yes, Shawn, Oh Fuck indeed . He doubled over as if someone had shot him and it was clear that whatever questions he had suddenly made sense. His stance softened, he looked at me with determination, and pulled me in for a tight embrace.
My first instinct was to resist. I didn’t want or need the false sense of
I tried my best to pull my thoughts together, but my drinking binge was getting the best of me. “I was thinking that given the crappy hand life has dealt me, ending things would be my easiest escape.” I tried my best to sound casual, but the slur was ever present.
I could see Shawn trying to suppress something building inside him. “Nicole, you’re smart enough to know that the easiest solutions aren’t always the best ones. If you kill yourself you would essentially be putting your mother through the exact same agony you are going through right now.” He took a deep steadying breath. “You need to think about the people who care about you: your parents, Zena.” His voice lowered to almost a whisper. “Me. You’re not alone, Nicole, you can’t do that to us.”
His words pushed through my wall of intoxication and made my heart squeeze. “Don’t you think I know that, Shawn? But this isn’t easy for me; I don’t want to hurt all the time. Everything constantly HURTS and I feel so alone.” My words sounded like a plea.
“How could you say that? Especially when I’d made myself completely available to you?” he asked sounding hurt. “That really is selfish of you, Nicole. How can you say that you have no one when I’ve told you over and over that I would always be here for you? Why don’t you hear me when I tell you that you’ve got me?” he asked.
With a dizzy head I sprung to my feet. I was now equal parts drunk and pissed off. My head was pounding from both. “Oh please, Shawn, would you stop? I don’t have you, okay?” I tried to walk away but Shawn was on my heels, grabbed me by the arms, and forced me to turn around.
“I’m always here for you . You just don’t want to accept it. I keep telling you that you can lean on me.”
I tried unsuccessfully to escape his grasp. “Let go and stop lying to me.” Tears streamed down my face as I spoke. “I’m tired of you and all of your lies.” I shoved at him and he staggered back a few steps.
“W here is this coming from? Have you completely lost it, Nicole? I don’t even recognize you right now.”
I remained silent, finally pried his hands off of me and stormed away.
“You know what, Nicole? You have support and you just don’t want to take it. It’s clear that you don’t want to be helped. Maybe you like this.”
His words were like a verbal slap in my face. I turned around and stalked back toward him slowly.
“Did you just say that I like this misery , Shawn? You think I like seeing babies at The Center who remind me of Jax? Constant reminders of the child I lost?” Tears showered down my face, but I was nowhere near done. “You think I like being so shaken up by it that I have to leave work? Does that sound appealing to you, Shawn?” I continued walking in his direction; my voice was eerily soft yet his eyes were squinted as if they were making his ears hurt.
He swallowe d. “If you needed someone to help you through that rough patch, then you should’ve come to me.” His words sounded sincere and soon his eyes became a little misty.
Instead of being soothed by them , I gave him a cynical look. “I did…but you were busy,” I said, with venom in my voice.
Shawn’s ey ebrows creased in confusion. I could see him thinking back to the chain of events that had taken place over the last five days. “Busy? When was I busy? I never got a missed call from you, or a text message.”
“I drove to your house after that incident at work, and I saw you with your girlfriend. So I left.”
When realization hit him, Shawn held onto the couch for support. I heard him say, “Oh fuck.” Yes, Shawn, Oh Fuck indeed . He doubled over as if someone had shot him and it was clear that whatever questions he had suddenly made sense. His stance softened, he looked at me with determination, and pulled me in for a tight embrace.
My first instinct was to resist. I didn’t want or need the false sense of
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