can you at least try to eat a little something? Just a few bites?" Zena asked desperately.
I picked up the pork sandwich and took a bite. Despite the fact that it tasted to me like cardboard, I was pretty sure it actually tasted divine. My taste buds probably stopped working because they weren’t being used. I struggled to swallow the piece in my mouth and then took a sip of the bubble tea. I pushed them both away with a fake smile, hoping that Zena was satisfied with my attempt at eating.
Zena was far from satisfied. “Oh , Nicole, baby, that’s not enough. Try to take a few more bites for me, please.”
“I can’t force myself to eat anything else.”
Zena pushed the Pho in my direction. “Well how about just the broth from the soup?”
I figured I could force down some of that. I picked up the spoon and tried my luck with the soup. Zena eyed me carefully while I ate. When she was satisfied with my work on the soup she began talking again. “Nicole, your mom called me because she’s really worried about you. She asked me to come and see if I could get through to you.”
That irked me a little bit; everyone thought that I needed a break through…. Some kind of life-changing event or revelation that would snap me out of my grief. Instead of just coming here to keep me company, or just hang out, people came trying to influence my emotions and make me feel the way they thought I should be feeling.
“Get through to me about what , Zena?”
She paused, clearly thinking long and hard about what she said next. “You’re not well , Nicole. You don’t eat; you’ve lost a lot of weight, and you don’t take care of yourself. This isn’t healthy.” She gave me another up-and-down look, before she continued, “You’re a mess. You can’t keep living like this, sweetie.”
I got up and started walking away from Zena, but she kept talking. “Everyone is worried about you. If you don’t pull yourself together you will end up unintentionally killing yourself, sweetie.”
Her preaching continued to piss me off. My anger rose to the surface, no longer contained. I was riled. “Until everyone knows what if feels like to lose a child, they can keep their opinions about the way I deal with it to themselves,” I snapped.
Zena shook her head, clearly regretting her approach to this very sensitive topic. “I’m sorry, I know this is hard. But we love you and we want you to be ok ay. We all think you need to speak with a grief counselor, Nicole.”
“Honestly, I don’t care about what anyone else wants. The only thing I want is my son back. Is a grief counselor going to bring back my son?”
Zena stood there stunned silent. I turned my back to her. “I didn’t think so.” I went up the steps, not bothering to look back. “Lock the door on your way out, Zena.”
*~*~*~*~*~
Silently, Shawn came back to the couch with a glass of water in his hand. He gave me a genuine smile, one that I couldn’t return as I sat up again and took the glass. I was surprised at how thirsty I was, and gulped down the entire glass all at once. When I was done, Shawn reached his hand out and took the empty glass from me. He too noticed how quickly I drank the first glass. "Do you want more?" he asked.
I nodded, and he headed back into the kitchen to get me another. Within seconds, he reappeared and carefully watched as I gulped down a second glass. The indescribable look in his eyes was making me uncomfortable. I had become immune to many looks recently...none of them being this one. Some disgust, some annoyance, but Shawn’s look was one that I hadn’t seen in months. He took a few steps over and gently sat next to me. Then he slowly reached his hand into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. As soon as he held the paper up I knew what it was. It was the note I’d left taped the Jax’s door. Dammit .
“ A suicide note, Nicole? What’s going on with you?” Shawn gave me a questioning look, his eyes wide with
I picked up the pork sandwich and took a bite. Despite the fact that it tasted to me like cardboard, I was pretty sure it actually tasted divine. My taste buds probably stopped working because they weren’t being used. I struggled to swallow the piece in my mouth and then took a sip of the bubble tea. I pushed them both away with a fake smile, hoping that Zena was satisfied with my attempt at eating.
Zena was far from satisfied. “Oh , Nicole, baby, that’s not enough. Try to take a few more bites for me, please.”
“I can’t force myself to eat anything else.”
Zena pushed the Pho in my direction. “Well how about just the broth from the soup?”
I figured I could force down some of that. I picked up the spoon and tried my luck with the soup. Zena eyed me carefully while I ate. When she was satisfied with my work on the soup she began talking again. “Nicole, your mom called me because she’s really worried about you. She asked me to come and see if I could get through to you.”
That irked me a little bit; everyone thought that I needed a break through…. Some kind of life-changing event or revelation that would snap me out of my grief. Instead of just coming here to keep me company, or just hang out, people came trying to influence my emotions and make me feel the way they thought I should be feeling.
“Get through to me about what , Zena?”
She paused, clearly thinking long and hard about what she said next. “You’re not well , Nicole. You don’t eat; you’ve lost a lot of weight, and you don’t take care of yourself. This isn’t healthy.” She gave me another up-and-down look, before she continued, “You’re a mess. You can’t keep living like this, sweetie.”
I got up and started walking away from Zena, but she kept talking. “Everyone is worried about you. If you don’t pull yourself together you will end up unintentionally killing yourself, sweetie.”
Her preaching continued to piss me off. My anger rose to the surface, no longer contained. I was riled. “Until everyone knows what if feels like to lose a child, they can keep their opinions about the way I deal with it to themselves,” I snapped.
Zena shook her head, clearly regretting her approach to this very sensitive topic. “I’m sorry, I know this is hard. But we love you and we want you to be ok ay. We all think you need to speak with a grief counselor, Nicole.”
“Honestly, I don’t care about what anyone else wants. The only thing I want is my son back. Is a grief counselor going to bring back my son?”
Zena stood there stunned silent. I turned my back to her. “I didn’t think so.” I went up the steps, not bothering to look back. “Lock the door on your way out, Zena.”
*~*~*~*~*~
Silently, Shawn came back to the couch with a glass of water in his hand. He gave me a genuine smile, one that I couldn’t return as I sat up again and took the glass. I was surprised at how thirsty I was, and gulped down the entire glass all at once. When I was done, Shawn reached his hand out and took the empty glass from me. He too noticed how quickly I drank the first glass. "Do you want more?" he asked.
I nodded, and he headed back into the kitchen to get me another. Within seconds, he reappeared and carefully watched as I gulped down a second glass. The indescribable look in his eyes was making me uncomfortable. I had become immune to many looks recently...none of them being this one. Some disgust, some annoyance, but Shawn’s look was one that I hadn’t seen in months. He took a few steps over and gently sat next to me. Then he slowly reached his hand into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. As soon as he held the paper up I knew what it was. It was the note I’d left taped the Jax’s door. Dammit .
“ A suicide note, Nicole? What’s going on with you?” Shawn gave me a questioning look, his eyes wide with
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