security that he gave me. But it was short-lived, because truthfully, I was in serious need of simple physical human contact. So I buried my face into his neck and cried my eyes out. Not just for the loss of my son, but also for the loss of myself.
Chapter Nine
Shawn
I didn’t try to stop her tears; I supported her as they came. I ran one hand up and down her back, using my other hand to smooth her hair. I whispered words of comfort into her ear as she continued to weep. The tears came in waves, one minute they were pouring, another minute they trickled. But they didn’t stop for what felt like forever. Nicole cried until she was physically unable to shed another tear and I consoled her the entire time.
When the tears dried up , the involuntary rapid convulsions that naturally came after excessive crying took the rest of her strength. It was obvious that she hadn’t eaten enough, and her body was seriously lacking basic vitamins and nutrients, because I lifted Nicole into my lap with minimal effort
“I’m here , Nicole. It’s okay,” I told her repeatedly. “I won’t let you down,” I promised, and when her small arms wrapped tightly around my neck, my words changed to, “I won’t let you go.”
Every once in a while , Nicole shook her head vigorously and I prayed that she was trying to rid her memory of seeing me with Brooke. I tried to soothe her, and continued doing so until her body gave out, and she fell asleep.
I held Nicole for two full hours after she fell asleep, guilt eating me alive. I spent about ninety minutes being thoroughly pissed off at myself. I should’ve been more persistent in trying to contact her. I shouldn’t have let her unanswered calls, texts, and emails slide. Maybe if I had showed up at her house, things wouldn’t have gotten this bad. And how could I not have noticed her parked outside of my house? Was I really that caught up with Brooke? How could I have been when I wasn’t even into her like that?
My immediate plan was to make sure Nicole was fine before I left, but when I looked down at the broken soul clinging to me for dear life, it became painstakingly clear that she was far from fine, and I couldn’t leave. The sun was coming up when I felt her relax completely in my arms, finally succumbing to REM sleep. I picked Nicole up and carried her up to her bed. She weighed nothing - she’d clearly gone days without eating. The thought of it made me cringe, it also made me aware of my own hunger. So after I had her tucked into bed I made my way into the kitchen to find something to eat.
I remembered the random package of bacon in the freezer and decided to fry some up. While the bacon was frying, I began surveying the house. It wasn’t dirty, but it looked un-kept. Her windows had venetian blinds that were closed, along with thick curtains that were also tightly shut. There’s no way the house got sunlight.
During my search, I found a half-eaten box of Club Crackers in her cupboard that I could have along with the bacon. I took a seat at the kitchen island and tried to come up with a new strategy to help Nicole: I needed to know exactly what was going in her head and how deep her depression went. If she was beyond the point of return, I might not be able to help her. I knew there was a chance she might very well need to be admitted into a psychiatric hospital. I didn’t want to think about that possibility; I just needed to know that there was some hope—even a glimmer—and I would try to use that spark to bring her back.
I remembered the firecracker that Nicole once was, the woman who offset the beat of my heart every time I laid eyes on her. The shell of a person I’d been with last night was nowhere near close to that girl, and it broke my heart. I powered my cell phone on and saw that it was almost eight thirty in the morning.
Great, I know she’ll be awake.
"Hey, Mom. It's Shawn; I need your help. It's urgent."
I gave my mother a brief rundown of
Chapter Nine
Shawn
I didn’t try to stop her tears; I supported her as they came. I ran one hand up and down her back, using my other hand to smooth her hair. I whispered words of comfort into her ear as she continued to weep. The tears came in waves, one minute they were pouring, another minute they trickled. But they didn’t stop for what felt like forever. Nicole cried until she was physically unable to shed another tear and I consoled her the entire time.
When the tears dried up , the involuntary rapid convulsions that naturally came after excessive crying took the rest of her strength. It was obvious that she hadn’t eaten enough, and her body was seriously lacking basic vitamins and nutrients, because I lifted Nicole into my lap with minimal effort
“I’m here , Nicole. It’s okay,” I told her repeatedly. “I won’t let you down,” I promised, and when her small arms wrapped tightly around my neck, my words changed to, “I won’t let you go.”
Every once in a while , Nicole shook her head vigorously and I prayed that she was trying to rid her memory of seeing me with Brooke. I tried to soothe her, and continued doing so until her body gave out, and she fell asleep.
I held Nicole for two full hours after she fell asleep, guilt eating me alive. I spent about ninety minutes being thoroughly pissed off at myself. I should’ve been more persistent in trying to contact her. I shouldn’t have let her unanswered calls, texts, and emails slide. Maybe if I had showed up at her house, things wouldn’t have gotten this bad. And how could I not have noticed her parked outside of my house? Was I really that caught up with Brooke? How could I have been when I wasn’t even into her like that?
My immediate plan was to make sure Nicole was fine before I left, but when I looked down at the broken soul clinging to me for dear life, it became painstakingly clear that she was far from fine, and I couldn’t leave. The sun was coming up when I felt her relax completely in my arms, finally succumbing to REM sleep. I picked Nicole up and carried her up to her bed. She weighed nothing - she’d clearly gone days without eating. The thought of it made me cringe, it also made me aware of my own hunger. So after I had her tucked into bed I made my way into the kitchen to find something to eat.
I remembered the random package of bacon in the freezer and decided to fry some up. While the bacon was frying, I began surveying the house. It wasn’t dirty, but it looked un-kept. Her windows had venetian blinds that were closed, along with thick curtains that were also tightly shut. There’s no way the house got sunlight.
During my search, I found a half-eaten box of Club Crackers in her cupboard that I could have along with the bacon. I took a seat at the kitchen island and tried to come up with a new strategy to help Nicole: I needed to know exactly what was going in her head and how deep her depression went. If she was beyond the point of return, I might not be able to help her. I knew there was a chance she might very well need to be admitted into a psychiatric hospital. I didn’t want to think about that possibility; I just needed to know that there was some hope—even a glimmer—and I would try to use that spark to bring her back.
I remembered the firecracker that Nicole once was, the woman who offset the beat of my heart every time I laid eyes on her. The shell of a person I’d been with last night was nowhere near close to that girl, and it broke my heart. I powered my cell phone on and saw that it was almost eight thirty in the morning.
Great, I know she’ll be awake.
"Hey, Mom. It's Shawn; I need your help. It's urgent."
I gave my mother a brief rundown of
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