Texts from Jane Eyre by Mallory Ortberg

William Blake
     hi 
     hi 
     I got you a present 
     you did? 
     I drew you something 
     oh wow
  is it horrifying?
     no 
     do you promise?
William?
  do you promise me that it’s not horrifying?
     i drew you something 
     William
  you know what I mean
     what do you mean by horrifying 
     is anyone being
flayed alive in it
or committing suicide
or does something have eyes that shouldn’t have eyes
you know what I mean
  horrifying
     never mind
 sorry i bothered you
     William
it isn’t that
  you know I like your drawings
     i know 
     I just already have so many watercolors of flayings already
  I wouldn’t know where to put another one
     you could put it in the kitchen
 you don’t have hardly any of my flayings in there
     so it is a picture of someone being flayed 
     well
sort of
i mean they’re already flayed but they’re not getting flayed
it’s not like a double flaying
ooh wait
 hang on

     Bring me my Bow of burning gold 
     William what are you talking about 
     Bring me my Arrows of desire 
     You’re not allowed to have arrows
  has someone let you have arrows?
     Bring me my Spear: O clouds unfold! 
     William
you don’t have any of those things
and there aren’t any clouds out
it’s a very nice day
why don’t you come outside in the garden for a little while
  it’s a very nice day out here
     Bring me my Chariot of fire! 
     I can’t do that, I’m afraid
but I can bring you a cup of tea
would you like me to bring you a cup of tea?
William?
would you like that?
  it’s no chariot of fire but I’ll put lots of milk in it
     bring me a cup of tea 
     I’ll get you a cup of tea 
     a cup of tea of fire 
     what’s that? 
     hmm? 
     what? 
     nothing
just a normal cup of tea with no fire in it yet
at all
not yet
 ha ha ha ha ha

     When the Sun rises do you not see a round Disk of fire
 somewhat like a Guinea
     I guess it could look like that 
     O no no I see an Innumerable company of the Heavenly host
oh
 crying Holy Holy Holy is the Lord God Almighty
     I guess it could be that too
  either the money or the screaming angels
     WOULD YOU QUESTION A WINDOW 
     what? 
     WOULD YOU QUESTION A WINDOW 
     I suppose not
  I suppose I wouldn’t
     THEN NEITHER WILL I QUESTION MY CORPOREAL NOR
 VEGETATIVE EYE

     Every thing in Dantes Comedia shews That for Tyrannical
Purposes he has made This World the Foundation of All & the
 Goddess Nature & not the Holy Ghost
     are you drawing pictures of Hell again 
     Keep just as you are – I will draw your portrait – for you have ever been an angel to me 
     okay
okay I’ll keep real still
  take all the time you want
     what do you think would happen
 if Heaven and Hell got MARRIED
     I don’t know 
     a Line or Lineament is not formed by Chance a Line is a Line
in its Minutest Subdivision[s] Strait or Crooked It is Itself & Not
 Intermeasurable with or by any Thing Else Such is Job
     are we
are we still talking about Hell
  or are we talking about math now

King Lear
     okay who wants a kingdom 
     me
  me I do
     how much do you love me 
     oh my god
how much DON’T I love you is a better question
i love you like i love eyes
or outer space
or standing up
or even this question
  ahhhh that’s so much haha
     ahh that’s so much 
     i knooooow 
     you can definitely have a kingdom 
     oh my god thank you
i hope you didn’t think i was saying that
  just to get a kingdom
     oh no not at all 
     yayyyyyy 
     maybe after you take over i can come stay with you 
     oh
actually
that would not work for me
we’re redoing a lot of the rooms right now
  i’m so sorry!!!

     hi babe :)
 u coming over tonight
     who is this 
     babe its regan
 you know who i am
     stop texting this number 
     wait who is this 
     leave me alone 
     edmund would never say that who is this
 is this fucking goneril
     no 
     it is
it totally is
you are so