The DNA of Relationships by Gary Smalley, Greg Smalley, Michael Smalley, Robert S. Paul Page B
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Power of One.
Regardless of the size of your fear button, the Power of One gives you the ability to break the destructive power of the Fear Dance. This goes not only for trivial things like a reaction to stalled traffic but also to big things—even as big as infidelity.
A friend of mine was counseling a Chicago couple trying to weather the horrible storm of infidelity. The husband had begun an online relationship with a woman several states away, and eventually, while claiming to take a business trip, he met her in person. Later in therapy, the husband kept talking about how the affair never would have happened if his wife had taken care of his needs. He said to her, “If you had been more loving…If you had been more accepting…If you had been more physical with me and met my sexual needs.” He continued to point the finger at his wife, refusing to take personal responsibility for his actions.
His strategy obviously didn’t heal the relationship.
Meanwhile, the wife angrily blamed her husband for the affair, insisting that he hadn’t been there for her and that he worked too many hours. She listed fault after fault, never once admitting that, in fact, she really had been neglectful and hadn’t given herself emotionally or physically to her husband.
Her strategy didn’t work especially well either.
“This couple didn’t move forward in a productive way,” my friend said, “until they started pointing their fingers back at themselves and saying, ‘What can I do to change to make this marriage better?’ ”
Listen! Do you want great relationships? If so, then you need to learn this new dance step. You need to exercise the Power of One. It’s the only way to experience the true freedom that all great relationships provide.
3. Don’t Give Others the Power to Control Your Feelings
You’ll never know real freedom in your relationships if you insist on letting others control how you feel and what you do with those feelings. Freedom and responsibility are merely two sides of the same coin. You can’t have one without the other.
Imagine yourself in a power struggle, a conflict that really makes you upset. What can you do? If you want to remain powerless, you let the other person determine how you feel and how you react. You rant and rave and demand and bully, hoping to get your way. Unfortunately, you’ll probably get the same kind of treatment in return. Michael and Amy found that out in the incident about the cell phone. So what happens? You end up with anger, frustration, and a bleeding, wounded relationship.
On the other hand, you could choose to exercise the Power of One and take personal responsibility. You could remind yourself that in a tug-of-war it takes only one person to drop the rope in order to end the power struggle. As soon as one person drops the rope, the game ends.
Most people don’t realize that they have chosen to participate in the Fear Dance. You may be among them. You may be thinking, What? Why would I choose to participate in the Fear Dance? Remember the DNA truth: Not choosing is itself a choice.
Why don’t you choose to drop the rope? Why don’t you stop the Fear Dance? Why don’t you take personal responsibility for your reactions? Why don’t you tap into the Power of One?
Most people find it very encouraging to realize that they have the power to stop the dance at any point by choosing not to participate. They can choose. And when you choose to tap into the Power of One, you decisively break the power of the Fear Dance.
4. Don’t Look to Others to Make You Happy
One of the things that will help you take control is clearing up a prevalent misconception. Many of us grew up believing a powerful but very deceptive myth. We completely bought into the idea that relationships are all about back-scratching. You know: “You scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours.” Or, it’s like the myth of the fifty-fifty marriage: “I’ll go halfway if you go halfway.”
* YOU
Regardless of the size of your fear button, the Power of One gives you the ability to break the destructive power of the Fear Dance. This goes not only for trivial things like a reaction to stalled traffic but also to big things—even as big as infidelity.
A friend of mine was counseling a Chicago couple trying to weather the horrible storm of infidelity. The husband had begun an online relationship with a woman several states away, and eventually, while claiming to take a business trip, he met her in person. Later in therapy, the husband kept talking about how the affair never would have happened if his wife had taken care of his needs. He said to her, “If you had been more loving…If you had been more accepting…If you had been more physical with me and met my sexual needs.” He continued to point the finger at his wife, refusing to take personal responsibility for his actions.
His strategy obviously didn’t heal the relationship.
Meanwhile, the wife angrily blamed her husband for the affair, insisting that he hadn’t been there for her and that he worked too many hours. She listed fault after fault, never once admitting that, in fact, she really had been neglectful and hadn’t given herself emotionally or physically to her husband.
Her strategy didn’t work especially well either.
“This couple didn’t move forward in a productive way,” my friend said, “until they started pointing their fingers back at themselves and saying, ‘What can I do to change to make this marriage better?’ ”
Listen! Do you want great relationships? If so, then you need to learn this new dance step. You need to exercise the Power of One. It’s the only way to experience the true freedom that all great relationships provide.
3. Don’t Give Others the Power to Control Your Feelings
You’ll never know real freedom in your relationships if you insist on letting others control how you feel and what you do with those feelings. Freedom and responsibility are merely two sides of the same coin. You can’t have one without the other.
Imagine yourself in a power struggle, a conflict that really makes you upset. What can you do? If you want to remain powerless, you let the other person determine how you feel and how you react. You rant and rave and demand and bully, hoping to get your way. Unfortunately, you’ll probably get the same kind of treatment in return. Michael and Amy found that out in the incident about the cell phone. So what happens? You end up with anger, frustration, and a bleeding, wounded relationship.
On the other hand, you could choose to exercise the Power of One and take personal responsibility. You could remind yourself that in a tug-of-war it takes only one person to drop the rope in order to end the power struggle. As soon as one person drops the rope, the game ends.
Most people don’t realize that they have chosen to participate in the Fear Dance. You may be among them. You may be thinking, What? Why would I choose to participate in the Fear Dance? Remember the DNA truth: Not choosing is itself a choice.
Why don’t you choose to drop the rope? Why don’t you stop the Fear Dance? Why don’t you take personal responsibility for your reactions? Why don’t you tap into the Power of One?
Most people find it very encouraging to realize that they have the power to stop the dance at any point by choosing not to participate. They can choose. And when you choose to tap into the Power of One, you decisively break the power of the Fear Dance.
4. Don’t Look to Others to Make You Happy
One of the things that will help you take control is clearing up a prevalent misconception. Many of us grew up believing a powerful but very deceptive myth. We completely bought into the idea that relationships are all about back-scratching. You know: “You scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours.” Or, it’s like the myth of the fifty-fifty marriage: “I’ll go halfway if you go halfway.”
* YOU
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