The DNA of Relationships by Gary Smalley, Greg Smalley, Michael Smalley, Robert S. Paul Page A
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implications of Dr. Hart’s insights for your relationships? How can you control your reactions by controlling your thoughts? This process underscores what we have been saying so far. You must take your focus off the other person and look at yourself. Before you can control your reactions, you must control your thoughts. And when you do, you will find amazing freedom.
2. Take Responsibility for Your Buttons
It doesn’t help a relationship—not in the least—to focus on all the “stuff ” you think the other person needs to change. On the other hand, it’s enormously useful to address what you are doing, to look at your own thoughts and reactions, and to ponder your own fears and emotions. It does help when you do your own personal work. It helps a lot.
“When my wife and I get into something,” says one of my coworkers, “I have the ability to go off by myself and start thinking, Okay. When I reacted that way, I wonder where that was coming from? That’s very productive. It’s a waste of time, however, to talk about the other person’s reactions. But it’s very good to find out the other person’s feelings and to express your own feelings. That’s where you begin to solve conflicts.”
Remember this: When your buttons get pushed, they’re yours , and you are responsible for them. We often see people caught in pseudo-karate mode in which they spend all their time trying to keep the other person from pushing their buttons. They expend a lot of their energy on trying to control the other person’s behavior. In their minds, it’s all about the other person’s not pushing their buttons.
How much more productive it is when they can honestly say, “Wait a moment! These are my buttons. It’s my job to understand where my reactions come from, what they are about, and how to control them when my buttons get pushed.”
* YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF YOUR BUTTONS. *
And it doesn’t matter what kind of buttons they are. We’ve all met people with sensitive buttons. You can’t be around them a minute without pushing one of their buttons because they are very sensitive. It could be that you’re such a person yourself. But if someone pushes your button, he or she pushes a button for which you are responsible and that you control.
I’m talking here not only about actions but also about thoughts. Many people easily understand that they make choices about their behavior. They don’t always grasp so easily that they make choices about thoughts and ideas.
But if we had no ability to choose what thoughts we have, then why would God tell us, “Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise”? 4 And how could the apostle Paul claim, “We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ”? 5
You are emphatically not at the mercy of those who push your buttons. They do not have to control how you react. You do not have to give them the power to determine what you think or what you do. You must take control of yourself.
It’s absolutely crucial to remember that when you choose to tap into the Power of One, you empower yourself. You begin to control what you can control rather than trying to manipulate what will always lie outside of your power.
Some adults remain childishly dependent, unnecessarily needy, and forever at the mercy of anyone willing to take care of them. Whether you’re about to celebrate your eighteenth or your eightieth birthday, you can choose today to take responsibility for yourself. You can choose the Power of One.
Do you ever think that traffic makes you angry? It doesn’t. What makes you angry is how you choose to respond to it. Traffic doesn’t control how you feel. You have the power to take personal responsibility for your reaction to that stalled car in the express lane during the middle of rush hour traffic. You have the ability to tap into the
2. Take Responsibility for Your Buttons
It doesn’t help a relationship—not in the least—to focus on all the “stuff ” you think the other person needs to change. On the other hand, it’s enormously useful to address what you are doing, to look at your own thoughts and reactions, and to ponder your own fears and emotions. It does help when you do your own personal work. It helps a lot.
“When my wife and I get into something,” says one of my coworkers, “I have the ability to go off by myself and start thinking, Okay. When I reacted that way, I wonder where that was coming from? That’s very productive. It’s a waste of time, however, to talk about the other person’s reactions. But it’s very good to find out the other person’s feelings and to express your own feelings. That’s where you begin to solve conflicts.”
Remember this: When your buttons get pushed, they’re yours , and you are responsible for them. We often see people caught in pseudo-karate mode in which they spend all their time trying to keep the other person from pushing their buttons. They expend a lot of their energy on trying to control the other person’s behavior. In their minds, it’s all about the other person’s not pushing their buttons.
How much more productive it is when they can honestly say, “Wait a moment! These are my buttons. It’s my job to understand where my reactions come from, what they are about, and how to control them when my buttons get pushed.”
* YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF YOUR BUTTONS. *
And it doesn’t matter what kind of buttons they are. We’ve all met people with sensitive buttons. You can’t be around them a minute without pushing one of their buttons because they are very sensitive. It could be that you’re such a person yourself. But if someone pushes your button, he or she pushes a button for which you are responsible and that you control.
I’m talking here not only about actions but also about thoughts. Many people easily understand that they make choices about their behavior. They don’t always grasp so easily that they make choices about thoughts and ideas.
But if we had no ability to choose what thoughts we have, then why would God tell us, “Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise”? 4 And how could the apostle Paul claim, “We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ”? 5
You are emphatically not at the mercy of those who push your buttons. They do not have to control how you react. You do not have to give them the power to determine what you think or what you do. You must take control of yourself.
It’s absolutely crucial to remember that when you choose to tap into the Power of One, you empower yourself. You begin to control what you can control rather than trying to manipulate what will always lie outside of your power.
Some adults remain childishly dependent, unnecessarily needy, and forever at the mercy of anyone willing to take care of them. Whether you’re about to celebrate your eighteenth or your eightieth birthday, you can choose today to take responsibility for yourself. You can choose the Power of One.
Do you ever think that traffic makes you angry? It doesn’t. What makes you angry is how you choose to respond to it. Traffic doesn’t control how you feel. You have the power to take personal responsibility for your reaction to that stalled car in the express lane during the middle of rush hour traffic. You have the ability to tap into the
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