only in pushing that person’s own fear button, which in turn continues and accelerates the Fear Dance. We wind up feeling hurt, abused, estranged, and lonely—and yet another relationship takes a tragic turn for the worse.
To take personal responsibility means that you refuse to focus on what the other person has done. Too many of us think, If only my friend would say this or If only my husband would do that , rather than thinking, I can’t change him, but I can change how I react to him .
Personal responsibility requires you to take a hard look at your own side of the equation. You might say to yourself, “You know what? My fear button just got pushed. Normally I would withdraw and run away, even though that solves nothing. But I’m not going to do that this time. This time I’m going to take responsibility for how I act, rather than trying to manipulate this person into acting toward me in a way I prefer.”
Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the best-selling The Five Love Languages , highly endorses this strategy. He advises struggling spouses to keep doing what’s in their power rather than focusing on what the other person should do. He helps husbands and wives identify their love needs and then counsels them to keep on loving their spouses, using the person’s love language, for six months, regardless of how the person reacts. The spouses do this not to manipulate the other into acting the way they would like but to enjoy life more. And usually, in time, the relationship greatly improves.
Before we leave this step, I want to come back to a point I’ve been making throughout the book so far: Your thoughts control your feelings and reactions.
Think about that. If you want to control your reactions, you need to control your thoughts. You can take personal responsibility for all of your thoughts and actions and take your eyes off of blaming others for how you feel. This amazing truth has changed my life over the past two years more than anything else.
Dr. Archibald Hart’s book Habits of the Mind has shaped my perspective about the power of our thoughts. He says, “Our body is the servant of the mind. It obeys the operations of the mind, whether they be deliberately chosen or automatically expressed. Disease and health, like circumstances, are rooted in thought.” 1 He goes on to say that feelings are the consequences, not the cause, of our emotional problems. Our emotions are good sources of information about how we are thinking. We cannot control our emotions directly, but we can influence how we are feeling by changing our thoughts. 2 Change our thoughts first, and the desired feelings will follow. Our reactions, our emotions, our attitudes are the result of our thoughts. 3
As I’ve said, this has changed my life. Just the other night my stomach was upset and nervous about something. I couldn’t shake it. I felt discouraged about a situation, as if I had failed. Why am I upset? I thought. I went to bed, but the feelings wouldn’t leave me. So I practiced Dr. Hart’s principles. I reviewed the situation. I felt as if I was disappointing several key people in my life with one of the chapters in this book. But I also felt stuck and couldn’t figure out how to improve it. Then the thought came, God’s power is made perfect within me through my weaknesses. The truth of that promise changed my thinking, and my thinking changed my feelings. Instead of feeling discouraged, I felt grateful for the weak areas of my life that remind me of my dependence on God. I started thanking God for my weaknesses and cried out to him for his power to work within me and help me finish this book. I fell asleep instantly, at peace and with a grateful heart about being dependent on God. As soon as I changed my thinking, my heart reflected the corresponding emotion. I woke up the next day with an idea and started writing feverishly. Even my editor liked it.
* YOUR THOUGHTS CONTROL YOUR FEELINGS AND REACTIONS. *
What are the
To take personal responsibility means that you refuse to focus on what the other person has done. Too many of us think, If only my friend would say this or If only my husband would do that , rather than thinking, I can’t change him, but I can change how I react to him .
Personal responsibility requires you to take a hard look at your own side of the equation. You might say to yourself, “You know what? My fear button just got pushed. Normally I would withdraw and run away, even though that solves nothing. But I’m not going to do that this time. This time I’m going to take responsibility for how I act, rather than trying to manipulate this person into acting toward me in a way I prefer.”
Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the best-selling The Five Love Languages , highly endorses this strategy. He advises struggling spouses to keep doing what’s in their power rather than focusing on what the other person should do. He helps husbands and wives identify their love needs and then counsels them to keep on loving their spouses, using the person’s love language, for six months, regardless of how the person reacts. The spouses do this not to manipulate the other into acting the way they would like but to enjoy life more. And usually, in time, the relationship greatly improves.
Before we leave this step, I want to come back to a point I’ve been making throughout the book so far: Your thoughts control your feelings and reactions.
Think about that. If you want to control your reactions, you need to control your thoughts. You can take personal responsibility for all of your thoughts and actions and take your eyes off of blaming others for how you feel. This amazing truth has changed my life over the past two years more than anything else.
Dr. Archibald Hart’s book Habits of the Mind has shaped my perspective about the power of our thoughts. He says, “Our body is the servant of the mind. It obeys the operations of the mind, whether they be deliberately chosen or automatically expressed. Disease and health, like circumstances, are rooted in thought.” 1 He goes on to say that feelings are the consequences, not the cause, of our emotional problems. Our emotions are good sources of information about how we are thinking. We cannot control our emotions directly, but we can influence how we are feeling by changing our thoughts. 2 Change our thoughts first, and the desired feelings will follow. Our reactions, our emotions, our attitudes are the result of our thoughts. 3
As I’ve said, this has changed my life. Just the other night my stomach was upset and nervous about something. I couldn’t shake it. I felt discouraged about a situation, as if I had failed. Why am I upset? I thought. I went to bed, but the feelings wouldn’t leave me. So I practiced Dr. Hart’s principles. I reviewed the situation. I felt as if I was disappointing several key people in my life with one of the chapters in this book. But I also felt stuck and couldn’t figure out how to improve it. Then the thought came, God’s power is made perfect within me through my weaknesses. The truth of that promise changed my thinking, and my thinking changed my feelings. Instead of feeling discouraged, I felt grateful for the weak areas of my life that remind me of my dependence on God. I started thanking God for my weaknesses and cried out to him for his power to work within me and help me finish this book. I fell asleep instantly, at peace and with a grateful heart about being dependent on God. As soon as I changed my thinking, my heart reflected the corresponding emotion. I woke up the next day with an idea and started writing feverishly. Even my editor liked it.
* YOUR THOUGHTS CONTROL YOUR FEELINGS AND REACTIONS. *
What are the
Similar Books
