It occurs near the end of the list, and it accentuates just how rickety a foundation the whole book is built upon.
Don’t discuss the rules with your therapist. [xliv]
Know why they don’t want you to mention all this malarkey to your therapist? Well, your therapist is a licensed mental health practitioner who would take one look at these codes for female living and declare them to be the ravings of a madman. There isn’t a responsible psychologist or licensed therapist on the North American continent who would endorse such an unequal, unfair, and male-dominated rulebook. If your therapist does endorse this malarkey, demand to see his or her credentials immediately. It’s quite possible that he or she received them in a sleazy alley that more often specializes in animal tranquilizers and murder-for-hire.
One of the final “rules” in the book reads:
Do the rules, and you’ll live happily ever after! [xlv]
If the authors were being honest, however, it would read:
Do the rules, and you deserve what you get!
Like I said, folks, this and The Game are two of the most popular dating books published in your lifetime. Both promote a fervent belief that your place is either on your back or in the kitchen. If that doesn’t convince you that their advice is ridiculous, you might as well put down this book and pick up one of theirs.
But don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Let’s all agree that any rules to live by should be set by you. In the next chapter, we’ll discuss how to set them, thereby guaranteeing you the happiness that will be yours to enjoy.
Chapter Thirteen
Your Way
The two books referenced in the last chapter are by no means the only examples of baffling-to-insulting dating advice you can find on the web and in print. My rule of thumb about self-help books is the same as it is for any kind of advice: if the advice sounds dumb or nonsensical, chances are outstanding that it is dumb or nonsensical.
Good advice illuminates something that we’ve not thought of before. It often does this in a way that, once the new idea or observation is mentioned, you marvel that you didn’t think of it yourself. It seems natural, and you instinctively sense that the advice provides a smart plan for future action.
As Malcolm Gladwell so expertly demonstrated in his book, Blink , instinct often better indicates what you should do than careful and meticulous study. The research examples Gladwell provides are both numerous and far-reaching. He quotes studies on subjects as disparate as popular music, the medical profession, military training, gambling, and divorce. Over and over again, the power and legitimacy of instinct comes through.
This doesn’t mean every instinct you have will be right. Gladwell also talks about our subconscious programming, a latent set of codes, biases, and ways of interacting with the world that we aren’t aware of. Those of us who were raised in dysfunctional environments (I include myself in the group) have a kind of faulty programming about certain things. For example, if you were attacked by a dog at a young age, it’s likely that you’re instinctively mistrustful or even afraid of dogs as an adult. Even after some kind of therapy, it’s likely that your instinctive reaction will be mistrust or fear, although in your conscious mind you no longer fear dogs.
I mention this potential for faulty instincts as it dovetails nicely with an exercise I want you to try. Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On one side, write the qualities that you want in a romantic partner. I’m not going to suggest what those qualities should be. As I’ve said previously, these are your rules, not mine. However, the qualities should relate to a man’s direct interaction with you (for instance, “good listener”), and those behaviors which affect you indirectly (for instance, “good with money”).
Once you’ve written down
Don’t discuss the rules with your therapist. [xliv]
Know why they don’t want you to mention all this malarkey to your therapist? Well, your therapist is a licensed mental health practitioner who would take one look at these codes for female living and declare them to be the ravings of a madman. There isn’t a responsible psychologist or licensed therapist on the North American continent who would endorse such an unequal, unfair, and male-dominated rulebook. If your therapist does endorse this malarkey, demand to see his or her credentials immediately. It’s quite possible that he or she received them in a sleazy alley that more often specializes in animal tranquilizers and murder-for-hire.
One of the final “rules” in the book reads:
Do the rules, and you’ll live happily ever after! [xlv]
If the authors were being honest, however, it would read:
Do the rules, and you deserve what you get!
Like I said, folks, this and The Game are two of the most popular dating books published in your lifetime. Both promote a fervent belief that your place is either on your back or in the kitchen. If that doesn’t convince you that their advice is ridiculous, you might as well put down this book and pick up one of theirs.
But don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Let’s all agree that any rules to live by should be set by you. In the next chapter, we’ll discuss how to set them, thereby guaranteeing you the happiness that will be yours to enjoy.
Chapter Thirteen
Your Way
The two books referenced in the last chapter are by no means the only examples of baffling-to-insulting dating advice you can find on the web and in print. My rule of thumb about self-help books is the same as it is for any kind of advice: if the advice sounds dumb or nonsensical, chances are outstanding that it is dumb or nonsensical.
Good advice illuminates something that we’ve not thought of before. It often does this in a way that, once the new idea or observation is mentioned, you marvel that you didn’t think of it yourself. It seems natural, and you instinctively sense that the advice provides a smart plan for future action.
As Malcolm Gladwell so expertly demonstrated in his book, Blink , instinct often better indicates what you should do than careful and meticulous study. The research examples Gladwell provides are both numerous and far-reaching. He quotes studies on subjects as disparate as popular music, the medical profession, military training, gambling, and divorce. Over and over again, the power and legitimacy of instinct comes through.
This doesn’t mean every instinct you have will be right. Gladwell also talks about our subconscious programming, a latent set of codes, biases, and ways of interacting with the world that we aren’t aware of. Those of us who were raised in dysfunctional environments (I include myself in the group) have a kind of faulty programming about certain things. For example, if you were attacked by a dog at a young age, it’s likely that you’re instinctively mistrustful or even afraid of dogs as an adult. Even after some kind of therapy, it’s likely that your instinctive reaction will be mistrust or fear, although in your conscious mind you no longer fear dogs.
I mention this potential for faulty instincts as it dovetails nicely with an exercise I want you to try. Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On one side, write the qualities that you want in a romantic partner. I’m not going to suggest what those qualities should be. As I’ve said previously, these are your rules, not mine. However, the qualities should relate to a man’s direct interaction with you (for instance, “good listener”), and those behaviors which affect you indirectly (for instance, “good with money”).
Once you’ve written down
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