dating book, The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, is in its own way just as alarmingly retrograde as Strauss’ book. It refers to “capturing” a man right in the title. Love and relationships are reduced to little more than a game of cat and mouse. You aren’t finding the right guy who shares your interests, values, and passions, and treats you with love and respect. You’re ensnaring an unwilling victim like a bear in trap jaws.
The first of the thirty-five “rules” validates the “animal trap” metaphor immediately:
Be a “Creature” Unlike Any Other. [xxx]
This is a variation of one of Strauss’ tactics: stand out as much as possible. In the world of the PUAs, it’s called “peacocking” (the animal metaphors just keep piling up), and the tactic is pretty much the same for both genders. Urbandictionary.com defines “peacocking” as follows:
“The action or actions exhibited in the beginning stages of courting. These actions are typically only temporary and exist during ‘the chase’ of a mate, much like a male peacock displaying the fruitful colors of his feathers to capture the attention of a mate.” [xxxi]
There is that word again, “capture.” It’s repeated in different variations so often in these two books (and countless others on the subject of dating) that it makes courtship sound like the most devious and depressing hunting expedition in the history of humankind. Notice that the word “temporary” is another key component. You don’t acquire a mate through your innate worth in their scenarios; you stage an elaborate and unsustainable scam that some poor sucker falls for. You’ll never learn how to create a healthy and enduring relationship, but you’ll learn how to become a better and more efficient con artist.
Reading through the other “rules” offered by Fein and Schneider, you’ll find absolutely nothing to help you find real compatibility or mature adult love. Instead, you’ll get advice like this:
Don’t talk to a man first (and don’t ask him to dance). [xxxii]
Don’t stare at men or talk too much. [xxxiii]
Don’t call him and rarely return his calls. [xxxiv]
Don’t open up too fast. [xxxv]
The advice is pretty clear, ladies. Shut up or lose your man forever. In fact, most of the rules tell you what not to do. For a book written by women, it certainly has little faith in your decision-making process. Try some more:
Don’t meet him halfway or go dutch on a date. [xxxvi]
Don’t accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday. [xxxvii]
Don’t see him more than once or twice a week. [xxxviii]
No more than casual kissing on the first date. [xxxix]
Dating sounds like a barrel of laughs, does it not? This book should come with a Catholic school nun to slap your hand with a ruler every time you fall out of line. But that’s not the most offensive thing about The Rules . No, that honor falls to the bald-faced and galling chauvinism the book wholeheartedly endorses. For example:
Don’t tell him what to do. [xl]
Let him take the lead. [xli]
Don’t expect a man to change or try to change him. [xlii]
Be honest but mysterious. [xliii]
Bind your feet like a geisha, and sit prostate before him as if he were an ancient Sumerian god.
Okay, I made the last one up, but you get the picture. Daddy runs the show, and you’ll do what he says, when he says, if you know what’s good for you. After the first few chapters, there are no surprises, just variations on a theme. Actually, the most surprising thing about the book is the year it was published—1995. Yes, twenty-three years after Roe v. Wade and seventy-five years after women got the vote, a dating book written by women tells you to speak when spoken to, keep your head down, and do what your man wants you to do.
I’ve not yet mentioned another of my favorite “rules.”
The first of the thirty-five “rules” validates the “animal trap” metaphor immediately:
Be a “Creature” Unlike Any Other. [xxx]
This is a variation of one of Strauss’ tactics: stand out as much as possible. In the world of the PUAs, it’s called “peacocking” (the animal metaphors just keep piling up), and the tactic is pretty much the same for both genders. Urbandictionary.com defines “peacocking” as follows:
“The action or actions exhibited in the beginning stages of courting. These actions are typically only temporary and exist during ‘the chase’ of a mate, much like a male peacock displaying the fruitful colors of his feathers to capture the attention of a mate.” [xxxi]
There is that word again, “capture.” It’s repeated in different variations so often in these two books (and countless others on the subject of dating) that it makes courtship sound like the most devious and depressing hunting expedition in the history of humankind. Notice that the word “temporary” is another key component. You don’t acquire a mate through your innate worth in their scenarios; you stage an elaborate and unsustainable scam that some poor sucker falls for. You’ll never learn how to create a healthy and enduring relationship, but you’ll learn how to become a better and more efficient con artist.
Reading through the other “rules” offered by Fein and Schneider, you’ll find absolutely nothing to help you find real compatibility or mature adult love. Instead, you’ll get advice like this:
Don’t talk to a man first (and don’t ask him to dance). [xxxii]
Don’t stare at men or talk too much. [xxxiii]
Don’t call him and rarely return his calls. [xxxiv]
Don’t open up too fast. [xxxv]
The advice is pretty clear, ladies. Shut up or lose your man forever. In fact, most of the rules tell you what not to do. For a book written by women, it certainly has little faith in your decision-making process. Try some more:
Don’t meet him halfway or go dutch on a date. [xxxvi]
Don’t accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday. [xxxvii]
Don’t see him more than once or twice a week. [xxxviii]
No more than casual kissing on the first date. [xxxix]
Dating sounds like a barrel of laughs, does it not? This book should come with a Catholic school nun to slap your hand with a ruler every time you fall out of line. But that’s not the most offensive thing about The Rules . No, that honor falls to the bald-faced and galling chauvinism the book wholeheartedly endorses. For example:
Don’t tell him what to do. [xl]
Let him take the lead. [xli]
Don’t expect a man to change or try to change him. [xlii]
Be honest but mysterious. [xliii]
Bind your feet like a geisha, and sit prostate before him as if he were an ancient Sumerian god.
Okay, I made the last one up, but you get the picture. Daddy runs the show, and you’ll do what he says, when he says, if you know what’s good for you. After the first few chapters, there are no surprises, just variations on a theme. Actually, the most surprising thing about the book is the year it was published—1995. Yes, twenty-three years after Roe v. Wade and seventy-five years after women got the vote, a dating book written by women tells you to speak when spoken to, keep your head down, and do what your man wants you to do.
I’ve not yet mentioned another of my favorite “rules.”
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